New York Day Too Lazy To Go Count “And The Hits Just Keep On Coming”

I haven’t blogged in a long time because everything that has been happening has been too personal to vent about.

What I can tell you is my situation in Brooklyn is about to become more permanent and more stable. I am fairly certain the third roommate of this apartment is moving out and I have been offered her room.

I can’t tell you how excited I am about this possibility. I would finally be living in a real apartment with a real kitchen I would have use to with people who not only speak my language but who I adore.

My trip to Illinois was much more wonderful than it rightfully should have been given all the complications I had getting that trip coordinated. I will say that I am not going back to Illinois till I can afford a rental car. Luckily my friend Dan has eluded to the possibility of his employees having use of a monthly account with “ZipCar” which is a car rental place growing in popularity especially in New York. I think most major cities have Zip Car and if I fly into O’Hare there is no reason I wouldn’t be able to rent one of those on the companies account and use it to see everyone I wanted to see.

I am on pins and needles waiting for my friend Alex to visit, I am ecstatic about my friend Travis coming here for the critic screening of “Raymond Did It” in January and I am elated about the possibility of the movie coming out unrated and finally getting this labor of love in front of some eyeballs.

I’m feeling more and more of an urge to finish the two books I have started and I finally am getting to a point mentally and emotionally where I feel I can do that. My spiritual life is slowly be rejuvenated by being surrounded by people who are spiritually minded. My roommate Amanda has introduced me to more than a few centering and cleansing rituals that have actually focused my mind and quieted my spirit quite a bit.

Before my loved ones get freaked out she is a Christian and though I am not entirely certain I fall under that title anymore nothing I have been doing could possibly be construed as heresy, just simple breathing exercises and herbal remedies that help quiet the mind.

Leaving Lauren after our visits is always a challenge but now that I live here they are an even greater ordeal. It tears at the heart and confuses the mind and I wish our situation was less complicated. But we persevere, we overcome and we do what we can to hold on to what we have been building.

I have a short film I will be doing in January and I am still trying to get the money together to be able to hunt for auditions as strongly as I did. Never the less it doesn’t cost anything to ask for a helping hand so I have been asking my friends to shoot me any breakdowns they think I might look good for.

That’s life in the Big Apple at the moment. Stay tuned because I get the feeling that things are just going to get more hectic/interesting for me (if that’s possible).

I love you all

KH-

"Knowing doesn't make it better it just makes it new"

I was going to blog about my shitty week but I just don't have the "give a fuck" required to do that right now so instead I'll just share with you my thoughts on some new news that came to me this weekend.

I started my weekend on Saturday with a phone call to my dad. I hadn't talked to him in a while and I wanted to catch up. He gave me the news that mom's official death certificate came in and we now have the details on what killed her.

The death certificate reads "Cardiac Arrhythmia, Cardiomegaly and Left Ventricular Hypertrophy. The laymen version is heart attack as a result of heart disease. Basically even if she went to the hospital a month before she died it wouldn't have helped, she needed a heart transplant.

If she did need a transplant she was a walking time bomb. She was 50 years old, a smoker, she already had a risky surgery under her belt when she got the gastrobipass about five years before it was as safe as it is now (which isn't saying a lot), she would be at the bottom of any list in the country for a transplant.

This information of course made me fall apart for a short while but I still don't know what to do with it. It doesn't help, it doesn't make things better but it is good to know. I can't really explain it, I'm glad I know but it changes nothing.

Some teachers at my Dad's school collected a thousand dollars and donated it to the American Heart Association and I now have myself a nifty blue and orange (bears colors) rubber bracelet with an inscription on the inside that reads "In memory of Phyllis W". That isn't the only heart warming and breaking commemoration for my mom.

Sunday Travis called me and asked me if I would like to have Raymond Did It dedicated to my mom. That moves me more than any memorial that has come out of this tragedy.
I came home for a holiday trip and being in this house is unnerving but not nearly as painful as I thought it would be...that could be just because I'm still trying to hold on desperately to the denial I have fallen into. I just noticed the "alter" so to speak that my dad has set up. It has mom's ashes in a beautiful blue urn and two really amazing pictures of her next to it. Sitting next to that is making it harder for me to pretend that she is just at work right now. That might be a healthy thing I don't know.

So...is knowing better than not knowing? I guess so. Has it helped me heal? No not really.
I have no resolution for this blog, no positive parting words or a personal revelation I just have what I'm feeling. I consistent struggle, a tug of war in my soul between two beasts of my nature. My intellect that is desperate to move on, to continue going after my dream and perpetuating life as usual, and my heart, that wants to spiral into madness, rip it's robe and cry to the heavens for a release from the grip of this hole in the world that she left.

Like I said there is no point to this other than getting my thoughts on paper.

I love you all
KH-

New York Day 92-93 "No Sleep Till Brooklyn"

The last you heard from me I had just packed my entire life up again and was getting ready to leave my very first New York apartment. I don't know if I suck at packing or if I have accumulated more crap than I realize but I used to be able to fit everything into a duffle bag and back pack. I was forced to add a garbage bag to the mix.

I woke up, packed up my blanket and got ready for operation smash and grab. The goal is to get out of the apartment unnoticed and vanish like a dead beat ghost. These people don't know my last name, I only paid in cash and they have been less than hospitable since I came back from Illinois so I don't have much guilt or paranoia regarding this move.

It was a site watching a six foot four inch three hundred and fifty pound man with a hundred pounds of luggage try and "sneak" out a closet sized bedroom. Fortunately the only person in the apartment was half asleep anyway. I lug my life to the C train and transfer to the B at 145th street. This was a mistake because 145th street is way uptown Manhattan and my destination was Brooklyn and this is a local train. I could have cut the time in half had I taken the A all the way down to the Lower West Side and THAN transfered but I'm an idiot.

But if I did that I wouldn't have gotten to see the college aged girl talking to herself on the train. She wasn't homeless as far as I could tell. She was nicely dressed, looked fairly hip and way too happy for a Monday morning. I am just assuming that whatever her destination it was too exciting to keep the thoughts in her head...it kind of freaked me out.

With the help of a very kind man I met on the street I was able to carry my stuff to my friends apartment. I settle in and Dawn and Amanda cook pasta and cookies and make mint martinis. It was a fantastic time and I am so lucky I have these two as friends, they are life savers.

I have a very strong feeling of serendipity with this situation. I feel the time I spend with these two will give way to some personal growth for all of us. Even if it doesn't I know I will be getting closer to two people I respect very much.

I also got to see my first New York snow.

Today I didn't do a whole lot but reflect on things that have happened and things that might happen. I'm looking forward to my future again and with mom not being here to see this I feel a renewed sense of responsibility to truly and earnestly seek out my dreams.

She told me not to give up, when I was at the end of my rope here she told me to stick it out and so that's what I'm doing.

My boss being the insanely generous man he is agreed to pay for half my plane ticket as long as I paid him back with my sales this weekend so that trip is a go. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and my family and mainly my woman.

I am happy that I get to do the holidays on my terms like I wanted. I'm trying to give myself a break from holidays...I'll face tradition next year when the wound of my mom's death is a bit more stale. Now, however, I'm going to see my family individually without being faced with all the memories all at once.

Christmas will still be hard but I feel I've made it a bit easier on myself.

I'm also brimming with anticipation to see my woman. We never get enough time with each other but every moment we do have is treasured.

That's all I got for you guys today. See you all next week.

I love you all

KH-

New York Day 85-91 "Three Months And Counting"

I have gone from rags to riches right back to rags. This week has been terrible for sales. It is the first week of the month, the first week after a major holiday and it's Hanukkah...all of these are bad things for comedy ticket sales and they are all happening at once.

I have money to eat I just don't know how I'm going to scratch together enough money to get home on the 12. Cross your fingers that next week is a better sales week and I pop back up to where I was last week.

On Tuesday my manager and friend (not two different people, one guy who is both of those things) asked me to go out on the town with him. I said sure and had a VERY interesting evening. He paid for all my drinks which added up to about five martinis, four shots ( I think) and four beers...I hadn't been that intoxicated in a long time.

The first bar we went to we made a bartender cry. She begged us to come drink at her bar because she was the only one there. She told us about her crappy boyfriend and my buddy left for about five minutes and came back with a thing of flowers. He said "on behalf of men everywhere I'm sorry the next one will be better" and she just starts to cry.

We than get kicked out of a bar because my friend and the bar tender of that place...lets just say she is crazy and he is intolerant of crazy. I got to hang out with a couple comedians that I know and enjoy and I got to break up a small altercation between my buddy and some coked out asshole.

I'm being vague because I don't want any debauchery involving my friend to be published on the off chance that it would make him look bad so you will have to forgive me.

At the end of the night he piled me into a cab, I went home and lost my breakfast lunch and dinner all over my fire escape.

Yesterday was my 90th day in New York. One of my friends from work was having a shitty day and my friend Lindsey was having a birthday party so I consolidated my friend responsibilities. I took Mike to Lindsey's party, arranged for him to get a couple drinks and let him loose to find some female companionship which he was able to find in the form of a fairly aggressive cougar...poor Mike didn't have a chance.

I got to hang out with friends, drink, enjoy the night and celebrate both Lindsey's birthday and my 3rd month on the same night. It was pretty fantastic.

I also did my first romantic scene the other day. I was doing a favor for some college students who's actors bailed on them. I always hear mixed things about romantic scenes, but really it wasn't any different than doing any other scene. The physical blocking is different obviously but when you are on set (at least for me) a stage kiss is just a stage kiss, in "actor world" it is non verbal dialogue.

I was lucky enough to be doing this scene with someone I know, trust and who respects the relationship I have with my woman. I also learned a few things and got a nice shot for my reel.

A couple days ago my landlord told me he needed me out of the apartment by Tuesday. So I have packed up all of my things and am moving in with some friends from Brooklyn for a little bit. The women I am staying with are so very kind and I'm lucky to have them as friends.

I just packed all my things and remembered my first night in this room. Yeah it was a shit hole but it was my shit hole. It was my first place I have ever lived in New York (leaved meaning paid rent for the place and not just couch surfing).

I still think it is a shit hole but I am going to look back at my time in this apartment fondly.

I am still aiming to be home by the 12th so be prepared for a phone call everyone.

See you in Brooklyn readers.

I love you all

KH-

New York (Day 78-84) "Turkey Cutting and Money Making"

This is turning into more of a weekly blog than A daily. I apologize for that but things aren't as exciting on a day to day basis as they used to be...maybe they are and I'm just getting used to it.

Anyway, my days have been taken up by work. I will soon be in a financial situation where I can get out of this shitty apartment situation. They said when I came back they needed me out by the end of the month however...this is the end of the month and they haven't confirmed everything...so I'm pretending I forgot.

If they do kick me out before I can raise the money to move I have a couple people who have offered me the kindness of there couch so I'm not insanely worried. I was in a position financially to buy a Parka do go over my coat to keep me warmer than my coat can which is leaps and bounds from where I was a couple weeks ago.

Selling is going really really well. Not a lot more drama at work, just enough to be annoying not enough to report about. The guy that got in my face did try making nice with me. I'll smile and nod, say everything is water under the bridge but I am not forgetting that the guy is a fucking phsyco and would love to see me and my entire team dead just because we are competition.

I got to shake Donald Glover's hand the other day while at work...my life is kind of being consumed by work but I will soon be in a position where I can get on some auditioning websites...maybe order some head shots and get back on the acting track. Maybe I can do something that isn't experimental theatre. The nightmare house was awesome and Jekyl and Hyde would have been great if I got it but I am ready for something with a script.

I love improv as well but improv is not why I love acting.

This was my first Thanksgiving in New York and what a Thanksgiving it was. I went to the grocery store (which was open...wtf?) and got potatoes, and wine and a few other things. I hopped on the train, took the wrong connecting train, got back on the train and finally arrived at my friends Dawn and Amanda's apt.

I made the Mashed taters with lumps just like ma used to make, I carved the turkey and remarked on the irony of the only vegetarian in the room cutting the bird, I ate insane amounts of food...really it was unseemly, drank an equally grotesque amount of wine and vodka and hung out with some of my favorite NYC peeps. Lindsey and Jessica had there own plans and Thanksgiving was kind of a nice reminder that I have been living here, I have built friendships here, I now have people who care about me here that aren't reserved to the Raymond Did It cast.


here are the rest of my holiday plans in case any of you are wondering. I don't want to do anything like a family christmas...I would rather wait till next year to do things that remind me of the traditions I can't have any more.
I also don't want to lose those sales days because they are big and they will probably carry me through the slow season which is the entire month of January and February.

So I think I will only be able to be in IL for a couple days the week before Christmas. The final plan will be figured out and announced once I figure it out.

That's all the news today, I wish I had something more interesting for you. I have five days till I've been here 3 months (not including the two weeks in october I went home) any ideas on something I should do to commemorate?

New York (Day 73-77) "A Rush Of Blood To The Head"

Never...a dull...moment.

Tuesday night I performed my scene at open mic night. I recorded it and put it on youtube. It went well, I got the usual rush one gets when performing in front of an audience. When I'm up there it feels like living art, it feels like I am orchestrating emotions and pulling back and pushing forward always walking the line of just the right inflection and emotion but not over the top and not too dull.

To be honest, performing in front of a crowd and grabbing the audience, to me, is pretty much exactly like seducing a woman. You open up and are genuine because if you aren't they will see it, but you don't open too much because you don't want to put them off, you make the audience laugh, you set the tone a little lower and when it starts to get too intense you break the tension again. You take them on a roller coaster and when you are done they have fallen in love.

Now I'm not saying that the crowd fell in love with me but performing feels a lot like that. After me Jessica and Stephie got some pizza and a guy who was at the open mic came up to me and complimented my work. It is one of the most gratifying feelings in the world and it is why I'm okay with having my name never remembered and my face never known...because as long as I can do this, perform, possibly making a living from it, than I will be happy.

Wed I started selling comedy tickets again. Wed and Thur was business as usual in the comedy ticket game, I sold nothing. I was also having a hard time talking to people, I'd lost my confidence. I don't know what happened on Friday though because as soon as the 7 o clock rush hit I was on fire. I didn't sell as many as my manager but I did sell the most tickets on my team. So with the help of 2 dear dear friends who sent me a donation via this blog (thank you again Robert and Travis) and a little salesmanship I am pulled out of the fire at the very last minute once again. I went from having .50c in my pocket to having just enough to pay rent, my phone, my metro card and food.

On Friday I had my last call back for Jekyll and Hyde. It didn't go as well as I would have liked. I was nervous and it through off my improve game and my voices. They only need a few people and I know at least 2 who are much more talented than I am in those areas that I am certain got the job. I probably wont get it but hey, that's good for me. It keeps me humble, reminds me that I need to and will get better. It reminds me that no matter how natural I think my talent may be everyone needs training to become the best. So my next step at some point is to get an acting coach or enroll in a workshop.

Now for the interesting part. Last night I was threatened and almost jumped. Here is the story. There is a rival promotions team on our same block and they are all bat shit insane. This one blond woman (I use the term woman very loosely here) asked me and my friend mike to move from our spots the other day. We politely said you have to speak with our boss about that.

Last night she decides to stand right in front of me and pitch so I can't. She also interrupts me and starts pitching people I am already speaking with. I got a little smart with her here and there, nothing serious though. After she stepped into my pitch she started pitching a different couple (by the way if you don't know pitching is just talking to people interested in buying) and when she is done I say "See how I didn't step into your pitch just then...that's how professionals act."

So I start talking to a group of four ( I can't say how much I make but I can tell you selling to a group of four is the kind of thing that buys your groceries) and they say they are interested but they want to make sure the club is legit. I say of course and begin to walk them to the end of the block to set up a reservation. I have to walk in front of this rival club to get there and blond girl tries to steal them again.

I politely tell them that if they just come with me I can show them the line up for the show I was talking about and if they decide to come to this club instead they are more than welcome...of course none of that was heard over this cunt's shrill, glass shattering voice (sorry, but the word applies).

Than...in response to nothing...a huge Redbeard looking bastard walks into my face and starts screaming "If you ever sell on this block again I'm gonna fucking kill you". He than calls me a bunch of names that seemed more creative in Junior high, takes my hat off my head and throws it in the street, steps on it when i try to pick it up,pushes me back, trips my legs up as I am walking away and screaming threats...somebody obviously wasn't hugged enough as a child...or maybe too much? Maybe he wasn't breast fed and is still bitter, maybe he was a child of a C section and feels robbed of the journey through the birthing canal...maybe Father Flarity requested a bit too much out of his penance...whatever the case this man has issues.

Now some things you should know, this man is out of his mind and built...and irish...so I would have probably lost this fight had I perpetuated it...but I REALLY wanted to make him remember my name at the very least. I didn't because I didn't feel like getting hit in the face and because I didn't feel like going to jail. Just so you know however I didn't just stand there and take it passively. I told him to move and than I screamed back in his face "Get the fuck out of my way!" and so on and on forth...but I wasn't about to raise a hand to this man no matter how badly he needed the beating.

I walked up to my manager...fists clenched, hands shaking, breath heavy...it takes me a moment to get the words out. ".....that....that....that FUCKING MICK just pushed me and threatened me" I tell my manager the story.

He tells me to sit down, I roll a cigarette (barely, my hands where shaking so badly) I take a drink of water and I calm down. The owner of the club comes out and says that we are going to file a report. We file a report with the police.

Here is why I am not nervous about the future, if the cops don't handle it my bosses will...lets just say they have friends in low places and leave it at that.

I am a little nervous and I think I may have to invest in some kind of protective measure just because I was really shook up...I was pissed...and shook up. I'm a vegetarian for Christ's sake I don't like solving anything with violence, I'm too damn smart to have to throw down. But I am also not worried about my ability to defend myself, my dad taught me the essentials to self defense and he said pretty much the same thing my friend Derek said. "there is no such thing as a 'big guy' we are all built the same (points to the throat and the eyes)"

I do think it is unfair that the cops couldn't do anything but file a report because I didn't have any visible injuries...it's also unfair that if he had swung at me and I hit him in defense I would being going to jail as well.

Afterward the club owner hooked us up with an AMAZING meal at the restaurant next door to the club and a really spectacular glass of pinot. Despite that asshole I made sales and am going to be eating well for the next week or so. I am looking forward to thanksgiving with friends, I miss my family, I feel like mom dying has brought us all closer together, but it might be good to have a foreign thanksgiving experience, it makes it just far removed enough from my own experiences that maybe mom not being there wont devastate me as much as it would if I were home.

More adventures to come I'm sure.

I love you all

KH-

New York (Day 71-72) "Back In The Saddle"

Nothing too terribly interesting happened Sunday, just keeping Lindsey company in an empty bar so I'll skip to the somewhat interesting bits.

Yesterday I felt a lot more like my old self than I have in a while. I was busy all day, I haven't been motivated enough to stay as busy as I have been in the past and it felt nice being forced to get out.

I went to the call back for the Jekyl and Hyde club. Really it was more like an orientation disguised as a call back. I was educated as to the history of all the animatronics puppets land there voices. I was shown how to operate them and was tested on it a bit. It was really interesting. Working there is kind of like being part performer part conductor, I felt like the Wizard Of Oz behind his curtain in that control booth.

I discovered I am not nearly as good at voices as I used to be but I think I'm just out of practice. The director gave me a disc of all the characters voices so I could work on it and scheduled me for one last call back on Friday.

When I left I was starving and decided to use my last 4 dollars of food money (till today) on my Brooklyn Bagel. I was on 56th st and the Bagel shop is on 25th but I hadn't walked around the city in a while and kind of wanted to earn my food, so I walked the 31 blocks for my bagel.

I don't know if it was because I kind of like overcast, or if it was the christmas lights that were scattered around different stores or if it was just that I hadn't walked around the city much since I had gotten back but everything I looked at seemed intensely beautiful for some reason.

Walking down 6th street the way the buildings looked, the steam coming out of vent shafts on construction sites, the way the streets looked in the overcast light, how everything is built, like God had a conversation with man about how both our creations could compliment each other in just the right way, it was all gorgeous. half way to the bagel place I just remembered that I'm meant to be here...this is where I belong.

My bagel was blissful as usual and it was about time for me to be getting to my friends Amanda and Lauren's production. They where in a variety show called "Barely Dressed" and it was pretty fantastic if I do say so myself. It is also the first show (not counting comedy shows) I've seen in New York.

While I was sitting there before it all started I just thought, this is just here...this small theatre and dozens like it are just here...housing talent...show casing the arts, giving me something better than the movies...and it is all just here like nothing is special about it.

On a Monday night in Belvidere I would be doing, probably nothing. But in New York...well you get the point. After the show it was off to the Nightmare cast party. I missed open bar because of the show but several people found it necessary, so after about 4 margaritas and a beer I was having myself a grand time.

Loud singing, booze, dollar pizza and dear dear friends...it was one of the best nights I've had since I have been back, and I really owe it entirely to the Nightmare crew. The director of Nightmare, John, got me the audition at Jekyl, Amanda and Lauren invited me to this show and the rest of the night was with the entire cast and crew. So once again, thank all of you, I don't know what I'm going to do without that haunted house.

Wed I start selling comedy tickets again and I'm looking for more work right now. I don't know what's going to happen at the end of the month, if anyone needs a roommate let me know, but I do know I will figure it out.

Tonight I'm getting up for open mic night and enjoying the company of a couple friends who are the reason for me coming here, Lindsey and Jessica, I needed this week, I really did.

I love you all

KH-

New York (Day 66-70) "The Notes Change But The Song Remains The Same"

A lot keeps happening I just don't have the energy to keep the updates coming daily so by the time I get around to it I have a mountain information to convey, so I apologize for that...not saying it'll change just letting you know I'm aware of the flaw in my format.

I guess the first bit of news is that on Monday I have my call back for Jekyll and Hyde. I might have told you that already but what I didn't say is that I found out the call back is really just an excuse to find out if I'm an asshole to work with and that I basically have the job. an hourly wage in order to act...it's not Broadway but it's a job and it is something I'm going to enjoy.

Last Tuesday I went to the open mic night I heard about at the Jekyll and Hyde audition. Penny's Open Mic is in a small theater that is literally underneath St Marks Place (a street in the east village) and the theater is called poignantly "Under St. Marks". It is a safe place filled with art enthusiasts and artists that people can come to and work shop there material.

I saw brilliant comedians, moving musicians, dynamic story tellers and a few acts I'm not sure how to categorize. I didn't perform but I plan to next week. The people at this place where really amazing to hang around. Think of all of your outgoing funny and chill friends getting together every Tuesday to put on a show with 4 dollar tall boys and you have pretty much what I experienced on Tuesday.

After the show (which ended at around 4 because they go until everyone who wants to perform does) I joined a few people for breakfast and enjoyed a really great conversation.

I also discovered something amazing. a block away from my house is a deli. These delis are all over the city on almost every other corner, they are not what you would think of a deli they are a deli/ convenience store. I was walking home at 5 in the morning and went in to buy some crackers to eat when I realized that this deli served sandwiches.

I ordered an egg and cheese on a hero and watched a man clean is flat iron grill, crack two eggs, beat the eggs, fry them up, melt the cheese and put it on the toasted bread...it was amazing and it wasn't gross processed nonsense from Mcdonalds and I am now addicted.

Last night was the last night at the Nightmare house. If you go to a haunted house go the last night. This night was epic we destroyed minds and came dangerously close to something that could be considered illegal. It was epic and I think I may have made a woman have a mental break.

Drinks came after the show and we went out with a bang. I am going to miss this family. The Nightmare House was there for me in my darkest hour, they were family when that is all I needed, and they are some of the greatest people you could hope to meet in the big apple. I am so happy that the bulk of my New York experience thus far has been that house. If you are going to build a network of people who care about you and who you care about working at that house was probably the best thing I could have done.


I am in a transition period but what else is new? It seems like I have been transitioning for the past 2 years and I guess that is what my 20s is about but it is so exhausting.

The emotional trauma of mom dying is effecting my personal relationships and is making me doubt every step I make. I am about to transition jobs again, I am trying to find a new place to live in before I get kicked out of this one...I need quiet the problem is that isn't in the cards for me.

Perhaps quiet isn't what I need seeing as quiet doesn't seem an option...we do what we have to do to get by and that is where I am today. Today I am going to get the second care package my mom sent and try and spend the rest of the day having fun.

Wish me luck.

I love you all

KH-

New York (Day 59-65) "Tiny Moments Of Nirvana"

It's been a week? really? since I last updated you? Insane. My silence isn't due to being too busy or anything profound I just haven't had the drive, also not a lot of interesting things happened. The only days worth mentioning where today and yesterday.

Yesterday was filled with small moments of nirvana that I held on to for all they were worth. Sometimes you need to take the little moments that don't matter but still make you smile and revel in them.

I woke up crying, as has been my routine for the past month. I figured it was going to be another day of acting like I'm okay in the hopes that at some point the lie will become my truth. I made a decision after my shower...I was going to get my goddamn bagel.

When I moved here Jessica introduced me to the Brooklyn Bagel and Coffee Company and there bagels where my breakfast for two weeks strait. I loved these bagels, they allowed me a moment to get collect myself and enjoy a filling flavorful breakfast at the same time. I have been depressed for an entire month and hadn't had a bagel from this place in longer...it was time...for my...goddamn...bagel.

I walked into the shop with a mission. "An everything toasted with low fat veggie" I said with conviction and purpose. I sat down with my bagel, bit in to that little bit of heaven, tasted that low fat veggie cream cheese and let the world fall away.

Than I was walking down the street and I passed a pizza shop and thought "you know what, I'm getting a slice of New York Pizza and walking to my station because that makes me smile and I fucking can." So that is what I did.

When I got to work Ihad a lot of time and made another decision. I hate Top tobacco but I have been smoking it because Travis was kind enough to buy some for me. I decided that I was going to buy myself a pouch of my brand, drum tobacco. I sat on the stoop of my work place and rolled that cigarette to perfection and lit it with one match and enjoyed.

In that moment I had the goofiest look on my face, I chose not to worry about anything and experienced the contentment of a child for just a few moments. Those moments where real and they where precious.

After work I enjoyed a glass of wine and a hookah session with friends and the night was complete. I spent some money I will regret spending later but I spent it on moments of happiness and it was totally worth it.

Today I had an audition for The Jekyll and Hyde club. I was nervous I thought I didn't do that well but I got a call back already. So monday I find out if I have another acting gig. In the process of auditioning I made some new friends. The past two days have been filled with pleasant surprises and I truly hope they keep coming.

I love you all

KH-

Surivivng New York Part 1, Subways

Over the past couple months this blog has gained a lot of popularity among the people I know and love. I have discovered that there are a lot more of you than I realized. I feel however, that my story is one that is gaining traction in circles of people I don't really know that well. Which leads me to believe that this blog has much more potential now than I ever gave it credit for.

That being said I am going to take breaks from updates from time to time to write things that are more universally entertaining but still pertinent to the topic at hand. I'm just going to come right out and say it, I'm hoping this will make the blog more popular and as a result make it more profitable. You have to work every angle right?

That being said I now bring you the first installment of,

Surviving New York: Part 1, Subways

There are certain essentials about this city that when asked about is usually met with a tepid response of "you'll figure it out." The truth is that most of the time you really will figure it out on your own but if you are anything like my girlfriend this answer is unacceptable.

The subways is a perfect example of this. For someone who has never lived in a city any where near as big as New York one of the most intimidating aspects is travel. How does one get around a city as big as New York without breaking the bank...especially when you don't know where anything is?

So here are my answers to the questions I had when I got here.

Are subways really all that necessary? Why not take a cab where you need to go and walk?

Yes, they are essential. Cabs are incredibly expensive if taken all the time. It costs you 2.50 just to get in the cab, Also this city is so big that you will end up spending at least 10 dollars to get where you need to go. That doesn't sound like a lot but it adds up. Also, that bottom line gets jacked sky high when you start dealing with traffic. Traffic is also the reason why I don't consider buses as an option. Sometimes you'll be forced to take one (even though I have never been) if you are going to a part of the city that is a bit out of the way but for the most part they are not as reliably fast as Subways are.
And don't even think about bringing your car here. New York traffic will slowly drive you out of your mind, and your wallet. Parking is insane and expensive and so is gas. New York has one of the greatest public transit system in the country, you do not need a car, it's that simple.

How expensive is the Subway?
It costs about 2.75 to get through the turn style. You have to buy a Metro card and you have a few options here. If you plan on going all around the city on a daily basis than don't even bother putting money on a metro card you have to buy yourself an unlimited metro card.

You can by a 24 hr pass for just over 7 dollars, which is a steal if you are job hunting for a day or if you happen to be in the city site seeing for a day. A week costs 27 dollars, and a month costs 89. When you do the math more often than not it is more economical to get an unlimited ride even if you are just visiting for a week.

How hard is it to navigate?
It is really intimidating the first week or so but eventually you get used to it. My advice, get a subway map and if you learn the subway maps and learn what trains connect to each other you can get anywhere. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

I live way uptown on 163rd and I work way downtown in SoHo (Which means south of Houston street). The trains closest to me are the A train the C train and the 1 train. Non of them go directly to the stop closest to my job. So what I do is I take the A (which is an express train) till I get to a stop that allows me to transfer to the train that does go where I am going.

Now this all sounds complicated but it really is one of those things that once you start doing it it becomes second nature. It is kind of like learning to drive a car all over again. At first its confusing and scary and intimidating but eventually it becomes instincts.

Are they dangerous at night?
Only to your sanity. Trains run much slower at night so if you find yourself needing to go somewhere past 12 AM than get ready for a long wait. This is the only time (if I have the money) I will take a cab.

I have never had a problem, other than being tired and annoyed, on the subway at night however I am a very large man. Just make sure to take the same precautions you should be taking anyway and you'll be fine. Get some mace, or a small weapon of some kind but really the subway at night is relatively harmless.

How do I know which subway is the fastest route to my destination?
Google maps has a button that looks like a train, if you click that it will give you the exact subway route you need. This mixed with a subway map and you will be golden. Subway maps are free upon request, there is a metro attendant in every metro station, just ask the person behind the glass for a map and they will hand one over.

My last tip for subway survival is this, use your eyes. There are posters put up all over the station that let you know if there are service changes which is something that is good to be aware of but more important than that there are huge signs hanging over every stairwell and hallway telling you which train you are headed towards.

My second week here (which was my first week without my NYC guide Jessica) I figured the subways out just by paying attention to the signs outside and inside the subway stations. You would be surprised how quickly you pick up how to navigate the subways if you just remember to pay attention to which train is going up town and which is going downtown.

You will get lost, you will get on the wrong train, you will take an uptown when you need to take a downtown, you will get confused, the sooner you stop thinking these things are the end of the world the easier you will be able to navigate around the city. Everyone gets lost and you are no exception just remember that trial and error is the best education you could ask for.

I love you all

Make sure to tell me what you think of this latest addition to the blog and if you would be interested in reading more articles like it. Also if you have suggestions on what you would like to learn about surviving the Big Apple let me know.

KH-

New York (Day 54-58) "Learning To Breath (Faking It Till I Make It)"

The last few days have been a blur but I'll try and keep this as chronological as I can. A few days ago I went to see Jessica, she had just gotten back into town and wanted to buy me lunch (thank you again Jessica). She was also holding on to one of the care packages my mom sent...we don't know where the other one is sadly. She brought it out and, you guessed it, I lost it.

I opened the box with my mother's handwriting on it and see a box of Fiber One...of course. I laughed to myself and thought "I love you mom". All of my movies where in a cd case and she gave me a long sleeved shirt and and MP3 player.

She was always looking out for me...

I was obviously beside myself at this point really debating going into work at all. Jessica did a cleansing of me with some sage (which had a very calming effect I don't care what you say I dig that kind of thing) and I took a few more minutes before I went in to work.

I spent about an hour in my rabbit room before I started violently weeping. I realized in hind sight one of the reasons this room is so hard for me to be in now is because of how proud mom was of me for getting this role. John came in and got someone to switch places with me while I calmed down in the break room.

Once again the cast and crew of the Nightmare house treat me like family. I spent a couple hours crying and talking than went through the house as a customer once I had calmed down. It gave me a few laughs and surprisingly, because i knew everyone i didn't expect it, a few scares. After that John offered me another less stressful room. I put on the black shirt mom sent me and a silicone mask and went to work jumping out at people which was really fun actually.

The next three days are a blur of work, work and more work. 12-13 hr days of scaring the piss out of people. I was accidently hit in the face more times than I can remember, I made a few people fall on there ass in fear, I was hit on by drunken Halloween sluts and I barely slept or ate.

The break neck pace and the fact that I was moved really helped me take my mind off of things. The truth is that what people see now is a total act. It is me putting on a face for the comfort of those around me. I am falling apart inside, feeling like I'm on the brink, but if I show that all the time people don't know how to deal with that.

However, I've learned that if you act like something long enough than for brief moments that grow longer with time, you start to become that. If I act like I'm okay eventually I might be.

Last night the entire house followed and terrorized the last group to go through and than we partied in the break room. I got clown make up put on me by Andrew, I put Chris on my shoulders I sang with Cat I laughed with Amanda, posed for Stovetop, I ate cupcakes with Crystal, I shared stories and I drank with everyone and I realized that this is exactly what I needed.

I was worried about not having a support system in NYC but that worry turned out to be groundless. I don't know if these bonds will remain for long after we wrap up production but I do know that they where there and very real in a time when I needed them most and that is really what matters.

I have no money again, little to no food, I'm living day to day again and I am...again...okay with all of that. Mom made me strong, it took her dying to make me see just how strong. I will never not be a broken boy who needs his mother but at least now I know that I can survive that way.

The road to healing is no where near over but at least I am accepting the things I can't change. After I am done with nightmare I am going to look for more acting work but I am also going to find a more steady source of income other than the sales job. I need some stability right now...a little hush would suit me nicely right about now.

Today I made a new friend, Holly, who is an actor/producer/writer who said she would throw me some PA work if she could. So know that when I say I'm off to find a strait job that doesn't mean I'm putting my dream down. I'm still actively pursuing it I'm just going to find a less stressful way of going about it.

I love you all

KH-

New York day 51-53 "Feelings...Nothing More Than Feelings"

Day 51 was the day after my birthday and it was filled with a lot of things that where interesting pretty much only to me. Good company, good coffee, good...other things. It was a day where I was certain of my decision to come back so quickly. I had some very healthy dialogue about mom and moved on to more pleasant discussion.

Day 52 however was no where near as productive or positive. I woke up in tears and for a moment was confused as to why I was crying. Than I saw someone post a youtube reading of a book mom used to read to me on her profile...if it wasn't before my sanity for the rest of the day was officially fucked.

I lost it on the subway, I lost it at work...several times, I lost it on the way home, the only reason I didn't lose it after work is because for a little while I had other things and people interesting enough to guide my thoughts else where.

I was certain by the end of the day I had moved back too soon.

Than there was today. I woke up feeling like hammered shit that was warmed over than hammered again. I tried to call in to work but John offered me the day in a less strenuous position in the house so I wouldn't have to lose a day of pay (thank you John). I was losing it at work again than I was blinded with rage.

I am shirtless as usual but in a different part of the house, I'm shirtless because they couldn't find a wardrobe for that position that fit me so they went to the good old stand by "get naked and covered in blood." To there credit it is often very effective. At some point in the night a random asshole decides its a good idea to tweak my nipple.

He wasn't gay (as far as I know) at least I know he wasn't hitting on me, it wasn't an accident he was just molesting me for no good reason. I dropped what I was doing told the girl (Amanda) in the next room and she got security to throw him out (thank you again for that Amanda).
And when security did step up the guy scoffs and says "He's an actor." I'm assuming the implication of that is that I don't matter.

I felt angry and violated and I wanted to kill someone. So I ended the night once again feeling like I came back too quickly. I also got ahold of the copy of Time Out my picture was in and realized something.

Every accomplishment I have from here on out will be like honey turning to ash in my mouth, bittersweet doesn't begin to describe it. Every thing I do now will be overshadowed by the statement "I wish mom was alive to see this." I don't know how to fucking process that.

My feelings are new and strange beasts. They are shades I have never seen before and they have texture I don't remember. They are a tapestry woven by a madman and admired by my demons.

I am not really sure who I am in these new feelings I'm experiencing. I don't know what my reactions will be. All I know is that whatever is going on in my head and in my heart, it seems to be fairly profound and it is really terrifying.

Because tonight I was angry but I was also something else I couldn't put my finger on. I was sad and I was also something else. This is how my days have been. My strong emotions when analyzed now feel like walking into your room and sensing that everything has been moved slightly to the left.

New York (Day 50) "Happy Birthday To Me"

I woke up with about the same attitude I went to bed with, exhausted, depressed, scared, anxious. I called my woman to get a little pick me up, her voice has been a comfort lately and she has been someone I feel comfortable crying in front of on a consistent basis since mom died, and started my birthday. I remember thinking about all the things Mom used to do for my birthday. Potato pancakes just because I asked, using my dog to wake me up when I was little, singing happy birthday, I miss hearing that song from her.

I had to get out before I went back to work so I went to Times Square. I went there for three reasons, one, I really wanted a dollar pizza from two bros, two, I really wanted to feel that intense buzz of energy you can only get from standing in a crowd of thousands of people and three I missed the people I worked with there.

I stepped out of the metro station and got tingles from the energy. I ate my pizza with the reverence of a monk savoring every small bite, and I hung out with James from Pandora for a little while. It was a needed trip and I'm looking forward to seeing the other folks I work with there.

Than it was off to the Nightmare house. I walked in to find a huge welcome back card, hand made, signed by the cast, it was heartfelt, hilarious and it truly moved me. I didn't realize that the people at that house really even connected me in there minds as something other than a coworker they really liked. I now feel like I was hoping to feel, that I have, and am building, a second family here.

This was my first long night at the nightmare house but I got back into the swing of it almost instantly. It was grueling, and at times painful, and draining and I loved it. I'm so happy to be back.

I also am so glad to be apart of this House, I sometimes forget what a big deal this house is. Last night I was interviewed by HBO about the house, I just found out the house is nominated for the best haunted house in the country by MTV, the house is going to be on MTV for some show, and its frequented by Neil Patrick Harris, Vincent Denafrio, Tyra Banks apparently, and thousands upon thousands of New Yorkers. Saturday 2100 people came through the house.

And I am apart of that. I looked up at our wall of press and there is a page in Time Out Magazine that is a picture of me with reviews printed on top of it. How did I stumble on this thing?

I went out for drinks with the cast after and went to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I think I'll take today to enjoy some of the city I've been missing. Yesterday was a good day I really hope that trend continues.

I love you all

KH-

New York (Day...lets just say 49) "Welcome Home...Kinda"

Enough happened last night to justify another post about it. I said goodbye to my girlfriend and hated every second of it before I got on the plane. I didn't anticipate how hard it would be saying bye to her. We have been around each other for two weeks and she has been nothing but a rock for me and I miss her a lot already.

I then got on the smallest plane in the world and connected to an even smaller plane than that. I got off the plane decided to take a cab back to my place and was really excited to be back in this city. That excitement didn't last long.

I get back to my place and find that all my stuff had been packed up and cleared out. Turns out they didn't think I was coming back. They said if I paid two weeks i could stay. No problem I thought, I should have 200 in my account and I have 150 in my pocket...I don't know where this money went but I only had 27 dollars in my account.

I paid them the 150 and they said I could pay them back later because it didn't really matter...apparently they are no longer renting this room at the end of November, which was news to me. They didn't throw my stuff out so they brought that up and I am kind of set back up in this place.

I'm once again hoping and praying everything works out. I went from having home cooked meals every day and a place to sleep to nutrigrain bars and a fear of tomorrow...again. It's like I had forgotten about the struggle and as punishment for that the struggle punched me in the jaw.

In times like this the one thing that could make me feel better, that could console me more than anything is a call to my mom...she would float me a few dollars and tell me to take things one day at a time and right now just be thankful for the roof over my head and the nutrigrain bar in my belly...but it means so much more coming from her...and she can't do that for me any more.

Before I went to bed I looked at the clock...5 A.M...well...Happy Birthday to me...

I'm slowly getting the feeling that the person in charge of writing the play that is my life is a sadist.

I love you all...so much,

thank you to everyone who reads this for being there for me, for your words of encouragement and for your thoughts...it has helped me get through this with much more sanity than I would have had otherwise to know so many people are keeping tabs and thinking of me.

KH-

New York –Intermission- “Journey Home.”

It has taken me a bit longer than I had expected to get back to NYC. When I wrote the last blog I had planned on leaving that week. I wasn't ready for that. I decided to go visit my girlfriend in MI for a day and a half first just to spend some time away from both the house with so many memories and the city that moves so quickly.

I found a cheaper flight leaving two days after my original plan so I have been in Michigan since Tuesday it is now Saturday. This is the longest I have spent around my long distance girlfriend and it has been both amazing and nerve wracking. It is a big step to go from never seeing each other to being around each other for two weeks strait.

I got some perspective that broke me down last night. Last night was Lauren’s dad’s birthday. He turned 51 and his parents where there. He was 51 and his mom was at his 51^st birthday party. That just makes me think I should have had another 30 years with my mom.

Jake got me the documentary footage that turned out to be the last face to face conversation I had with my mom. Ive watched it more times than I care to count. I cry almost every time. The concerned looks and questions of “how are you doing?” and “are you alright?” Are sweet, I appreciate them but I also just want to look at the questioner and say “Badly, no I’m not alright and I’m not going to be for a very long time, possibly never.” Because that is the truth, but than I make that poor soul feel either really awkward or really terrible.

The social interactions surrounding grief are exhausting. I am scared to go back to the city mainly because I’m not sure if I have an apartment when I get back. At the same time I miss it terribly and I can’t wait. I feel just as conflicted as I did the first time I left and this time I have even less money. I also have found out how awesome it can be being around Lauren all the time and it pains me to think of how I’m going to have to be without for at least another couple months.

I’ll do what I always do, be it a place to lay my head, food to eat or company to keep, I’ll figure it out. Wish me luck I go back to the city a broken man needing direction and a sense of self now more than ever. I went to the city to build an acting career and to find out who I really was, both of those things have never seemed more important.

I love you all

KH-

P.S. I now have a donate button on this blog on the upper right hand side of the page. If you decide to donate please also send me a message that you did so I can send you a thank you post card or something. I haven’t set up the add a note feature on the button yet so shoot me a message or something. Thank you.

A Hole In The World.

(My family is going through something very profound and my father asked me to try and put something on paper, he has asked the use of my words for his grief so I am going to attempt to put my observations of pain into words.)

On Monday I saw my dad in a new light. He wasn't my dad that day, he was a man weeping over the casket of the love of his life. This is a man that served his country, shed blood, sweat and tears for the red white and blue broken by the lose of a woman that gave him purpose. This is a man who shouldered more tragedy in his life that I could possibly begin to understand and did it with a stiff lip, and when his love was taken from this world he openly wept at the reality of this, the greatest of his losses.

He has dwelt in the solace of the two pups turned children, Princess and Adorellba who have taken to cleaning his face of his tears of loss. He stands strong, like he always has, by the love he has for my mother. The matriarch of that love is gone but that hasn't changed the crippling reality of that love.

I have seen my dad literally kiss my mother's feet, I have seen them rub each others shoulders, steal kisses in the kitchen and playfully poke fun at each other. He has shouldered an imaginary burden of responsibility, tortured over what would have been if he hadn't gone to work like he always did, if by some freak of nature he could have possibly anticipated the nightmare we are now living through.

For a man dedicated to the protection of his family it is a back breaking thought to harbor. I know that no matter how many days pass he will always sense some kind of imaginary fault for what happened. The true tragedy is that what me and my father need is for Phyllis Walter to hold us both and tell us there was nothing we could do.This house has sheltered a singular family. We had a dynamic all our own that only the people under this roof can really understand, and now that dynamic has changed forever.

Both my father and I shuffle through this house of memories, memories of a protective mother, of a kind lover, of a woman that lived in strength. We walk in this house falling apart at the seems, having been robbed of the glue that kept us sane. This house, our hearts, our mannerisms, they all scream her name.

Broken is the only word that can be used to describe the man who took the job of my father when no one else wanted it. When the practicalities, the paper work is all done, all the T's are crossed and I's are dotted we are still left with a hole in our world.We are all we have now, and if a man has two options, to fight, or flight, than the former is the one we are choosing. We could let this drive a wedge, let ourselves drift from one another but mom's love wasn't the kind that lent it's self to weakness.

She made us strong, she made us brave and now that she is gone that is all we have left. Memories, courage and each other.

New York -Intermission- “Home Coming”

My uncle Jamie asked me once “when do you think you are going to be a real New Yorker.” I didn’t know how to answer that question until today. You are a New Yorker when you reach a place where you don’t feel like you can call any place else home.

Without mom this place, this town, this state is the place my family lives and a place I need to keep coming back to in order to see the people that I love but I can’t call it home anymore without lying to my instincts.

That being said it’s time I went back home. With the generosity of family and friends I have just enough to get back. I’ll go back with the attitude I entered the city with “I’ll figure it out.” I don’t know if my apartment is still waiting for me but I know my job and my friends there are and that’s all I need to keep chasing this dream.

I’ve seen tragedy bring out the very worst in the nature of some of those closest to me. I have also seen it bring together a family that seemed to be tied together by the very thread that was cut a week ago. And while the world around me is clamoring to ideals and practicalities that don’t really matter in the wake of this tragedy I am setting my sites on the prize my mother was so proud of me for chasing.

I will forever carry a tundra of melancholy, it will follow me for the rest of my life where ever I may roam. The absence of my mother will continue to fill me with a sense of displacement, and a consistent sorrow. She will live on in those closest to her and while I take comfort in that I also remember the words of CS Lewis. In a way of paraphrase he says that grief is not something you can get over, not in the case of a lost loved one. Grief is something that becomes a part of you, it becomes a partner of yours, it is part of your journey and when you can accept that than you can move on.

I’m not waiting for an esoteric revelation to kick me back in the game. I’m just going to make the decision and accept the fact that I have to live with this hole in my heart and move on. I’m going back to New York this week and I’m doing it feeling less protected than I ever have before. I’m doing it because mom would have wanted that. I’m doing that in spite of my lost motivation brought on by this depression. I’m doing it because really what else am I going to do?

New York is home now...and I want to go home.

I love you all

KH-

New York -Intermission- "Breath"

The funeral ends and the rest of the world goes on with there lives. Meanwhile every single moment is a struggle to get through for the family she left behind. I have been fluxuating still from being ok to being really not ok.

Lauren and I had a movie day and saw Social Network and Devil. Both good movies the quality however may have been undercut by my constant emotional flux. I woke up this morning feeling kind of like a normal person again. I don't know how long this is going to last so I'm going to make the best of it while I can.

It's a short post today because part of the reason I feel normal today is because I've gone kind of cold. I feel numb and it is harder to write when I feel that way. New York seems farther away it feels ghoulish to say I'm sitting around waiting for insurance money to fly me out and set me up back in NY but that is the way it is.

My mom's car is going to get fixed soon and when that happens I'll get a job just to occupy my time and get some walking around money until the insurance comes in. Mean while I have to sit and watch dad lose his hair over money and bills that mom used to take care of. I'm not sure how to help all I know is I really want to.

That's all for now.

I love you all

KH-

New York -Intermission- "I'm sorry for your loss"

Over the past few days I have been barely holding on to my sanity. One moment I'm fine, the next moment, literally in the middle of a sentence completely unrelated to my mother I break down. The morning of the funeral for some reason I reacted the same was as I did when ai first got home
.
I flipped a couple chairs and beat the holy hell out of my back yard, scared the shit out of my girlfriend, who shortly after that episode doped me up on some anti anxiety meds which were a god send. The meds helped me not to collapse again but it didn't numb me which I feel is important...I needed to feel my feelings.

My dad struggled with feeling the need to be strong as he visibly fell apart at the seems. I walked into the room and by the end of the day if you said "the room" everyone knew what you where talking about.

I saw the casket and the tears welled up I took one look at the shell that used to contain my mother and broke down with my father. Everyone said she looked beautiful...I didn't think she looked like my mother.

I stood there for as long as I could and went outside to smoke. I was greeted by everyone at my father's work. Kind faces with kind but empty words filed past me one by one. Empty not because they had no sentiment to them but because I didn't know who they were. But they meant the world to dad so I'm happy they were there.
I also met the majority of mom's staff. I remember some names and some of them based on the stories my mom told should have been slapped for coming within a ten mile radios of that funeral home.

Every so often someone would walk in I was desperate to see. A weight would lift from my shoulders and my resolve would fade and I felt truly comforted. different family friends when anyone from my family showed up, my friends they all took the bite out of the day. I would break down now and again and my girlfriend, the rock, was there for me every single moment. She was there for me when I needed her and she took her distance when I needed that as well...she was perfect.

My ex wife walked in and for some reason in this i feel a strong connection because my mother was her mother, legality aside my mom was there in the most formidable times in both our lives for both of us. I took Sherri into the room and she cried...than I lost it. I had to run out of the funeral home.

The day dragged on and on and on. I started the day not wanting to hear anything that even sounded like "It's going to be okay" or "I'm sorry for your loss" and I spent the day listening to that soundtrack. I started to get bitter at everyone who stopped and said "your mother was an amazing woman." Yeah? She gave up her life to support me, she managed every hurtle that came her way and she did it with a smile on her face...yes thank you I knew my mother is an amazing fucking woman now get the hell away from me person I don't know and will never see again.

But I guess it's nice to know that your mom had a full and diverse life filled with people who loved her. The wisest of my friends said nothing or simply said they didn't have anything to say. No close family or friend made a point to tell me how awesome she was because they knew that we all knew how awesome she was.

The service started and I had reached an interesting place, I felt strong like I could hold it together no problem. I kind of half listened to what pastor Willie was saying because nothing he had to say was going to matter to me or make me feel any better.
Than I got up and said a few words, I read from the sheet I had written and said some more from the heart and I felt after I said that that no more needed to be said...I was good...I said goodbye.

I hugged Sherri while she wept for a few minutes and than waited for everyone to leave the room. Grandma gave me mom's cross necklace and left. I said my final good byes and closed the casket.

Finally the longest day of my life was over. I woke up today still so tired. I don't think I'll ever get over this but at least I might be able to stop crying...it seems to make people uncomfortable.
I want to stop here and thank everyone who came it meant so much to me to see all of you. The people that read this blog and that are on facebook are the people who needed to be there yesterday, whose words did offer me comfort, who did help me carry my burden that day. You all helped lighten my load and I love you all for that.

Now I am going to take one moment at a time. I'm still not sure when I'll be able to get back to NYC but there is no question...I'm going back and at least for now, the blog will become a chronicle of both dealing with my pain and my progress in getting back to my field of gold NYC.

I love you all

KH-

New York -Intermission- "A Living Nightmare"

About five or six hours after I posted my last blog I got a call. I was trying to fall back asleep after walking out a cramp. I look over at my ringing phone to see the caller ID "Mom". "Oh good because I missed a call from her the other day" I thought. "Hello?" "Kyle this is your Father you have to come home mom passed away." "what?" "You have to come home mom passed." "What? no...what?" "Mom died we need to get you on a flight." "My mom?" "Your mother my wife we need to get you home." "Nonononononononono, that's not...this isn't...that's not." ...you get the point from there.
After that it was a series of "What the fuck happened?" I was on the phone the rest of the day talking to friends, my girlfriend, my family, orchestrating a flight home. I told the people I pay rent to I'll be away for a bit. I called John from the Nightmare house and he was incredibly understanding.
From what I'm told my mother's heart expanded to three times it's normal size and she passed in her sleep.
2 o'clock came and I caught a cab with the understanding that I had money my family put in my account. I got to the airport and found out it hadn't cleared yet. After finally finding a way to pay the cabbie and my baggage claim cost the rest of the flight proceedings went fairly smoothly.
They gave three passengers some extra air miles to volunteer there seats to me and two other people because the flight was so booked. I walked on the plane and looked at my seat in between two very well dressed people both with the same look of terror in there eyes. They see my size and know "this is going to be a greeeat flight." I just looked at them and said "yup" and they moved to make room. "Finally a moment of levity." I thought.
Plane rides are kind of like a time vortex. You have no communication to the outside world and everything seems to slow down for a few hours. I got picked up by my aunt and cried some more as she drove me to belvidere. I drove through this town remembering leaving...remembering the last time I saw my mom was when I was saying goodbye. I see the house and feel like puking.
I walk in and hug my father like I never had before. I hug my grandmother and than I really lose it. I fell to my knees and pounded my fists against the kitchen floor screaming till my voice gave out. Screaming apologies, screaming for reality to return because this couldn't possibly be real. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed.
Than my grandmother told me tales of my mom's hell raising days over chinese food. Some I have heard before some I hadn't. Everyone in my family I see I can't help but weep for what they are going through as well. My grandmother lost a daughter...you don't bury your kids you just don't. My uncles and aunts lost a big sister...my father lost a wife...and my mom is gone.
This woman gave everything for me. She quit her hell raising to go to college so she could support me. Every piece of wisdom I have is due to her. there are no words for what she meant to me. She wasn't just my mother she was one of my best friends.
And as I sit here tears streaming I can hear her from beyond the grave whispering the one lesson that will never ever leave me "What did you learn from this?"
Mom, I learned that I will never love a human being as much as I loved you, I learned that your entire world can change in an instant. I learned that every single moment we have is sacred, it is to be respected and reverenced...and I learned that you being a rock for this family is one of the reasons why I am so proud to call myself a Hoskins.
Mom, I learned that I'm not ready to be without you but I will do my best with what you taught me. I learned the importance of ceremony, and tradition and I learned that nothing matters but today and the people you love.
Mom I learned that you where the best teacher i have or ever will have.

I love you mom and I'm going back to New York and I'm making you proud. I'm going to take care of your husband the best I can, and your mom and siblings and your other mom Sharon, I'm going to be your strong baby boy and than I am going to take New York by the balls and show them what "phyllis' kid" is really capable of.
I love you mom, I love you i love you I love you and I will never be the same.

My world is forever changed and I just thank God mom spent so much time on me because I can feel her beating in my chest.
when I ended these with "I love you all" I was always thinking of mom so this only seems appropriate.

I love you Mom
KH-

New York 46-48 (Oct 5-7) "I am... the son who runs the farthest"

I got some more care package goodness today I however have not been able to see whats inside because I am either to busy or tired to go to Jessica's to get it but tomorrow I have to so I'm excited for that.

I haven't had much going on but the Nightmare House so I have had time for some self reflection which isn't always a good thing. I made some interesting realizations, one of them being that tag line of this blog is no joke, I am one lost son.

When I left I thought I had a fairly good grasp on who I was, what I wanted, and while my career goals haven't change I am becoming more and more confused as to who the man in the mirror in front of me actually is. It isn't a bad thing necessarily, change is good. Where I am getting myself into trouble however is the areas of myself that I can see changing but I don't know which way they are going to go.

It is a trying and confusing time for many more reasons that one and the past couple days have been dark days of the spirit.

I got my check today and it was missing a lot of hours on it...so I have to wait till the next check for that to be fixed. Which means I have enough money to pay rent and 8 dollars left over till next week. I might be able to work this weekend for pandora which will buy my metro card and more food.

Either way I am not worried. A change I am enjoying is New York is beating the fear out of me. I discovered that not only can I make 8 dollars last a week but I can also survive that long without the 8 bucks. It is hard and it isn't something I WANT to do but goddamn it if it isn't something I can do now.

when the next check does come or if someone ends up giving me some cash for my birthday I'm spending 68 of it on getting on Actors Access.com NYcastins is doing shit for me and I hear nothing but good things about Actors Access. I need to find a new project that starts in November so I can keep calling myself a working actor.

Also the highlight of my week, tonight a guy (whos name escapes me) from Gossip Girls came in the Nightmare House and I scared the crap out of him. I also heard that vincent denafreo is a regular yearly customer at the Nightmare house...as well as Neal Patrick Harris....I just may shit myself.

Finally a word to the wise...don't spit on a person in a haunted house or you just might "Accidentally" get tons of fake blood in your hair...and you also might get a gross fake rabbit stuffed in your whore face...just saying.

I love you all

KH-

New York Day 43-45 (Oct 2-4) "Money....It's A Gas"

The highlight of the past three days has been not having a penny to my name because western union has a bitch without a brain working for them. I went to Western Union to cash my check from the Nightmare House.

She was understandably nervous to cash it because I had an out of state ID. She called Art Meets Commerce (AMC the company that prints our checks) and she got a voicemail and decided not to cash it. She had a valid ID out of state or not, she had my social security number and my phone number, she had the number to a legitimate company and she had a legit check which she could have scanned to find out for sure....even if you she couldn't validate the check by getting ahold of someone at AMC she still had my ass with all that information if the check bounced. I didn't understand.

I also didn't want to deposit it because I needed the cash quickly. I still couldn't cash it on friday so I spent the entire weekend not being able to do with this piece of paper that said I had money all weekend. I bummed smokes, I bummed food, I felt like an ass.

Finally on monday I went to Western Union again because at this point I had one ride left on my metro card so I had no choice. The guy behind the counter took all the same information the first girl took, he called the same company got the same vm and still cashed it no problem...wtf...

All of that aside my days have been fairly uneventful. I had a long relaxing peaceful day yesterday and intend on having a similar one today. All this real life, blase boring everyday stuff, like not being able to cash a check is really making me finally get into "hey I live in NY mode" which has been interesting. The city is taking on a new kind of romance separate from the wide eyed fresh idealism kind of romance I came here with. I can't exactly explain it at the moment I just know I really like it.

I love you all

KH-

PS. I forgot to link you to the Raymond Did It Trailer in the last post so here that is now...(there travis stop giving me shit lol)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rugfGyRaOh8

New York Day 40-42 "Lord I Was Born A Ramblin' Man"

Today is the 1st and it is a Thursday, I'm saying that more for me because keeping track of these days is becoming a pain.

On Tuesday I took another day off and I joined my friend Gwen and her friend Rachel busking (Playing on the street for money) on broadway. We moved to the lower west side and on the way there jammed with a violin player in the subway.

I played my harmonica and sang house of the rising sun for a few hours. Talking, smoking, eating with these two hippies. Meeting there traveler friends and some gutter punks along the way. Really that night was the kind of thing I have always wanted to do but never had the chance.

Hanging out playing amazing music on the street sharing cigarettes and food and hanging with street kids. I slept in the next day as well and went right back to the lower west side. We went to Washington Square Park where I found out that on wed if I am hard up for cash the church near by feeds people in that park. They also hang out clothes.

Another day of learning how to live cheaply and getting to know some people drifting experiencing life through a lens not many have the chances to see through.
I was also schooled in Harmonica by an old hippie jamming in that park.

Yesterday I went back to the nightmare house. This job is going to really take a toll. But I also got paid. I now have money for rent food and possibly my phone if I can ever get to a bank to deposit this thing. I'm doing fairly well right now, I have a month of this comfort left I'm going to enjoy every second.

Yesterday the Trailer for Raymond Did It finally came out. Seeing that green band before the trailer blew me away. Than I watched it and remembered what an amazing time in my life that was. It is when I realized I couldn't live without persuing my dream. It's when I met people who became my family. It was the time where my current path came to a head. Raymond Did It is responsible for everything that is happening now and I couldn't be more grateful.

I love you all

KH-

New York Day 34-39 "Miles To Go"

Wow it's been a while. I apologize for the laps in posts but when you hear about my week you will understand.

We started the haunted house a few days ago. The first day was a dry run through with Time Out magazine (I think) and the people who won tickets through them. I screamed, I yelled, I grossed people out.

The second day was an actual open house and on that day NBC came through the house camera crew and all. So this Halloween I may be half naked and screaming on national television which would be awesome.

My voice is toast though, I can barely talk right now which means its probably a good thing we are off for a few days. I took on a third job this weekend just so I could pay the rent with guaranteed money not this commission BS.

The job is promoting Pandora Jewelry. Don't get excited mom I don't get any discounts, I wear a flag on my back (its attached to a back pack) and pass out flyers for seventy a day.

So this is how my days have looked. I wake up at 8, go to work and stand all day, get off at 5, rush the the House where I don't get off till 11 or 12, finally sit down when I get home at around 1, go to sleep, wake up at 8 repeat.

I forgot what being well rested felt like till this morning. its all worth it because this is what I came here to do. I got my first acting gig and two steady strait jobs in the first month I was out here. I have my own room in a renowned entertainment attraction, AND I'm getting paid for it, and I live in the greatest city in the country...I'll sacrifice some comfort for that pay off.

I'm tired but Im happy.

I also got a care package of food from my woman this week so I am well fed. Some how she found a way to take care of me from thousands of miles away. I think she may have been born with a stamp on her forehead that says "KEEPER"


I love you all

KH-

New York Day 31-33 "Fast As You Can"

Work and than work, work and than work. I have made six sales in seven days of working this job...I feel like I'm getting better though. However I'm not making the big money yet so I don't have enough cash to play. I've had just enough to eat but that is in large part due to dear dear friends of mine who have found it in there heart not to let a fat man miss a meal.

It is really starting ware on me. I need some fun, some drunken debauchery, some chance encounters with new people, some laughs in a setting other than work. I need to go out. I have a dinner party on sunday with a friend from out here so that may just perk me up and if it doesn't than hey...free food.

I had my orientation for the haunted house yesterday and found out that along with paying us a living wage for full time work they are also feeding us an hour before show time which is really exciting.

I got to see my room today. I am not going to be "boo" scary but I will be incredibly disgusting and disturbing. That is all I am saying until it's all said and done so you either have to come visit me for this show or you are going to have to wait till November.

It blows my mind every time I skip a few blogs and realize it's only been three days. A day in this town feels like a week. I guess that is just because of how busy I am here. I like it though, the productivity, the motivation, it's a positive influence I just need a release. I'm getting complacent and irritable and that needs to change soon.

Because I work in Times Square I can actually see the drop in tourism now that fall is here. It was pretty impressive. The city to me is taking on an entirely different atmosphere. People are starting to settle in and get ready for a winter that is alien to me. It is palatable though, the attitude shift. It isn't a bad thing, it's actually kind of nice, it makes me feel more like a New Yorker I guess.

I suppose if this where a novel now would be the time to say "I'm broke, and tired in an alien city...and it's getting cold." and than leave you with an ominous blank page but that's not the case. The winter is making me nervous but I can't live months from now. I live moment to moment here and that is what will get me through anything that comes at me.

I love you all

KH-

New York Day 30 "Would You Like To Go To A Comedy Show?"

I went to bed last night totally and completely exhausted. I got up, got my "Brooklyn Bagel & Coffee Company" bagel, went to work and sucked at it for a few hours. At some point during the day the owner of my marketing company "Big Apple Marketing" decided to take me under his wing.

This included walking with him through Time Square to the ATT store so everyone would know I was with him. Than it involved going to the Lower west side to sell tickets for another five hours at a better location. I made my first and second sale but it took me ten hours.

If i didn't have this nightmare job i would have given up on this one but i see the potential to make real money here and i can pay the rent with the nightmare house while I'm learning this.

Ten hours of saying weird things to people to get them to stop and talk to me about buying comedy tickets and I am still really enjoying this job. I would have liked to grab a drink or something on the one month anniversary of my coming to New York but I'll settle for an extra thirty bucks in my pocket and a bagel this morning.

Love you all

KH-

New York Day 27-29 "If You Can Make It Here..."

Bleary eyed and somber I type this blog tonight with hopes for the future and mixed feelings for the present. The last couple days has been an interesting experience. My new job selling tickets for Big Apple Marketing has been the most fun job I've ever had...It's just a shame I am making zero dollars. I have confidence however that I will do well eventually. The only difference between what I'm doing and what the guys who have been making money hand over fist for eight years are doing is a mixture of utilizing knowledge and experience accrued over the years and a degree of confidence I haven't mastered just yet...but I will.

But I think it is good that I am having fun while I am not making any money. Today I decided to wear my kilt and turns out, New Yorkers aren't impressed, a lot of people liked it but not a lot of people where caught off guard by it. Also, the vast majority of tourists I deal with are from over seas and they really are also not fazed by a grown man wearing a kilt. I got a call half way through my shift today "Hello is this Kyle?" I know who it is before they even finish "sure is." "Hey this is John from 'Nightmare' we wanted to know if you wanted to stand in a room and chop up bunnies for us 7 nights a week." "Hells yes!"

So starting Monday I have a job working in THE haunted house in America. It gets tons of write ups from local news papers and magazines...and by local I mean the New York Times. The mayor as well as some other VIP's and press are coming for a private showing of the house on Thursday. Not only that but this means three things that are very important to me. Number one, I have no worries about staying in New York or keeping a roof over my head for at least the next two months because this is indeed a paying gig. Number two, I can officially call myself a working actor, with two paying gigs under my belt I think that qualifies me for the title. Number three I just booked my very first New York audition...so far my track record is looking pretty great.

This also means however that I will not be able to visit Illinois in October for my birthday. You all probably don't realize this but my time here is fairly lonely. The three close friends I have here have lives they need to tend to obviously and I spend a vast majority of my time alone. Granted my new job has fixed that but all that means is I made some work friends which is all fine and good but I also spend the times I am not alone being rejected by what feels like the entirety of Times Square. I was really looking forward to coming home and seeing my friends, I was really looking forward to seeing Lauren, I was really looking forward to seeing my family, I was really looking forward to seeing my mom and dad's dogs...I was looking forward to drinking in Kryptonite again.

I am going to get very excited about this house very soon but right now I have to have mixed feelings about it because I am pretty lonely. That is all about to change though, I am about to meet a group of interesting crazy people who work in a haunted house and hopefully I can start making some friends that are my friends not the people who know me solely as Jessica or Lindsay's friend.

Tomorrow marks my 30th day in New York. I have officially made it a full month in this city and haven't died, gotten beat up, gotten into a fight at all, gotten addicted to any substance other than the one that is fairly socially acceptable (I should clarify...I mean tobacco because out here 'socially acceptable substance' is relative) and I haven't given up. What I have done is party like a rock star, find a job, find a place, lose a job, live poor as all hell for a bit, play for pennies, go hungry a couple nights, eaten like a trailer trash king, couch surfed, got scared, got lonely, got excited, felt fulfilled, got angry, got sad, got happy, got another job, booked my first NY audition and learned more about myself in a short 4 weeks than I have my entire 23 years of living.

Here is to another 30 days...now tomorrow I might just get smashed with the scott and the irishman I work with because really is there any better way to celebrate? Also I need to turn these work buddies into real life buddies cus Jesus H I am tired of feeling like the new kid in school.

I love you all.

KH-

New York Day 27-29 "If You Can Make It Here..."

Bleary eyed and somber I type this blog tonight with hopes for the future and mixed feelings for the present. The last couple days has been an interesting experience. My new job selling tickets for Big Apple Marketing has been the most fun job I've ever had...It's just a shame I am making zero dollars. I have confidence however that I will do well eventually. The only difference between what I'm doing and what the guys who have been making money hand over fist for eight years are doing is a mixture of utilizing knowledge and experience accrued over the years and a degree of confidence I haven't mastered just yet...but I will.

But I think it is good that I am having fun while I am not making any money. Today I decided to wear my kilt and turns out, New Yorkers aren't impressed, a lot of people liked it but not a lot of people where caught off guard by it. Also, the vast majority of tourists I deal with are from over seas and they really are also not fazed by a grown man wearing a kilt. I got a call half way through my shift today "Hello is this Kyle?" I know who it is before they even finish "sure is." "Hey this is John from 'Nightmare' we wanted to know if you wanted to stand in a room and chop up bunnies for us 7 nights a week." "Hells yes!"

So starting Monday I have a job working in THE haunted house in America. It gets tons of write ups from local news papers and magazines...and by local I mean the New York Times. The mayor as well as some other VIP's and press are coming for a private showing of the house on Thursday. Not only that but this means three things that are very important to me. Number one, I have no worries about staying in New York or keeping a roof over my head for at least the next two months because this is indeed a paying gig. Number two, I can officially call myself a working actor, with two paying gigs under my belt I think that qualifies me for the title. Number three I just booked my very first New York audition...so far my track record is looking pretty great.

This also means however that I will not be able to visit Illinois in October for my birthday. You all probably don't realize this but my time here is fairly lonely. The three close friends I have here have lives they need to tend to obviously and I spend a vast majority of my time alone. Granted my new job has fixed that but all that means is I made some work friends which is all fine and good but I also spend the times I am not alone being rejected by what feels like the entirety of Times Square. I was really looking forward to coming home and seeing my friends, I was really looking forward to seeing Lauren, I was really looking forward to seeing my family, I was really looking forward to seeing my mom and dad's dogs...I was looking forward to drinking in Kryptonite again.

I am going to get very excited about this house very soon but right now I have to have mixed feelings about it because I am pretty lonely. That is all about to change though, I am about to meet a group of interesting crazy people who work in a haunted house and hopefully I can start making some friends that are my friends not the people who know me solely as Jessica or Lindsay's friend.

Tomorrow marks my 30th day in New York. I have officially made it a full month in this city and haven't died, gotten beat up, gotten into a fight at all, gotten addicted to any substance other than the one that is fairly socially acceptable (I should clarify...I mean tobacco because out here 'socially acceptable substance' is relative) and I haven't given up. What I have done is party like a rock star, find a job, find a place, lose a job, live poor as all hell for a bit, play for pennies, go hungry a couple nights, eaten like a trailer trash king, couch surfed, got scared, got lonely, got excited, felt fulfilled, got angry, got sad, got happy, got another job, booked my first NY audition and learned more about myself in a short 4 weeks than I have my entire 23 years of living.

Here is to another 30 days...now tomorrow I might just get smashed with the scott and the irishman I work with because really is there any better way to celebrate? Also I need to turn these work buddies into real life buddies cus Jesus H I am tired of feeling like the new kid in school.

I love you all.

KH-

New York day 24-26 "The Ever Changing Landscape"

It has been a long weekend and a productive Monday. I spent Saturday relaxing and regrouping. I did a little writing a lot of worrying but by and large the theme of the day was "I can't do anything till monday and I need to chill out so that's what I'm gonna do" and in that respect I was successful.

Sunday I checked my bank account because I was avoiding it saturday...I didn't need to be any more upset. Than I saw that I had negative 17 in my account...cue the sound of breaking glass and the rushing fear that my NY adventure was coming to a close before it could even start.

I had exactly 30 dollars in my pocket and some of that had to go to food. I did what anyone would do in my situation I called mommy to freak out. Yeah, I'm a big mamma's boy but what good is having a loving supporting family if you never call on them?

My mother took the action she knew would serve me best. She told me to hold on, she told me she would send me some cash to float me by and told me I should do what I came here to do...if what she can provide is another week here than I should stay another week.

Thank you mom

Because the last thing I want to do is give up. After that call I went to central park to play harmonica for some dollars, hopefully enough to buy a meal. After a few hours I made just over 1.50. I took that gladly and used that plus what I had in my pocket to buy myself a lunch that was more than bread cheese and water.

After wandering around a bit I decided I should just go home. I was tired, I was cold I was wet from the rain and up until twenty minutes before I got on the train I was hungry most the day. I go to use my metro card "Insufficient fare"...Jesus...H...Christ...

I go to pay cash for more metro fare but all I have is a twenty and they have a six dollar change limit so I put in fifteen bucks and call it an investment. I'm discouraged, i'm tired and all i want is to be around someone I love. Well the woman I'm crazy about was vacationing in Florida and all my friends here were otherwise occupied. Fuck this...I'm going to sleep.

I wake up with a deep sense of melancholy and a certainty of failure but damn if I wasn't going to go out swinging. I went to my monday interview with the NY comedy club. The manager informs me it is a commission based ticket selling job. The tickets are twenty a piece for the first week or so I will make 50% commission 75 after that. He also tells me I can start tomorrow morning.

So i guess I have a job. I am excited because with what my mother and my Aunt Sharon are sending me all i have to do is sell 6 tickets tomorrow and I can pay rent. I am then called by a non prof 10$ an hour gig for an interview tomorrow. I will probably stick with the NY comedy job because they are really flexible, like "call in if you have an audition it's cool with us...hell if it's a really nice day out go ahead and call in just remember if your not selling your not making money" flexible. But I am going to reschedule the non prof interview for friday just in case i work this NY comedy job after a few days and realize it isn't going to work out.

After spending the rest of the day in Madison Square Park reading beat poetry and writing (cus I'm totally hipster like that) it was time for my very first NY audition for THE haunted house in America. The house is called "Nightmare" and it is the biggest haunted house in America...its a big deal. It's a "this looks damn good on a resume and gets crazy NY exposure" big. I walk in and the first thing the auditioned says is "awesome."

I feel like I did a good job, I feel like I nailed it. The only down side to this if I get the part is I wont be able to visit home in October. I will be back in Nov and I will figure out a way to see Lauren before than...I will make whatever I have to work because if I book my very first audition and can call myself a working actor after only a month of being here I can not pass up that opportunity.

Afterwards Jessica fed me (which is good because I had barely eaten today) and gave me booze. I'm going to bed with a full stomach, a slight buzz and a good feeling about the next few weeks.

Today was a good day...cross your fingers and send prayers that I can have a few more like this.

KH-