The last few days have been a blur but I'll try and keep this as chronological as I can. A few days ago I went to see Jessica, she had just gotten back into town and wanted to buy me lunch (thank you again Jessica). She was also holding on to one of the care packages my mom sent...we don't know where the other one is sadly. She brought it out and, you guessed it, I lost it.
I opened the box with my mother's handwriting on it and see a box of Fiber One...of course. I laughed to myself and thought "I love you mom". All of my movies where in a cd case and she gave me a long sleeved shirt and and MP3 player.
She was always looking out for me...
I was obviously beside myself at this point really debating going into work at all. Jessica did a cleansing of me with some sage (which had a very calming effect I don't care what you say I dig that kind of thing) and I took a few more minutes before I went in to work.
I spent about an hour in my rabbit room before I started violently weeping. I realized in hind sight one of the reasons this room is so hard for me to be in now is because of how proud mom was of me for getting this role. John came in and got someone to switch places with me while I calmed down in the break room.
Once again the cast and crew of the Nightmare house treat me like family. I spent a couple hours crying and talking than went through the house as a customer once I had calmed down. It gave me a few laughs and surprisingly, because i knew everyone i didn't expect it, a few scares. After that John offered me another less stressful room. I put on the black shirt mom sent me and a silicone mask and went to work jumping out at people which was really fun actually.
The next three days are a blur of work, work and more work. 12-13 hr days of scaring the piss out of people. I was accidently hit in the face more times than I can remember, I made a few people fall on there ass in fear, I was hit on by drunken Halloween sluts and I barely slept or ate.
The break neck pace and the fact that I was moved really helped me take my mind off of things. The truth is that what people see now is a total act. It is me putting on a face for the comfort of those around me. I am falling apart inside, feeling like I'm on the brink, but if I show that all the time people don't know how to deal with that.
However, I've learned that if you act like something long enough than for brief moments that grow longer with time, you start to become that. If I act like I'm okay eventually I might be.
Last night the entire house followed and terrorized the last group to go through and than we partied in the break room. I got clown make up put on me by Andrew, I put Chris on my shoulders I sang with Cat I laughed with Amanda, posed for Stovetop, I ate cupcakes with Crystal, I shared stories and I drank with everyone and I realized that this is exactly what I needed.
I was worried about not having a support system in NYC but that worry turned out to be groundless. I don't know if these bonds will remain for long after we wrap up production but I do know that they where there and very real in a time when I needed them most and that is really what matters.
I have no money again, little to no food, I'm living day to day again and I am...again...okay with all of that. Mom made me strong, it took her dying to make me see just how strong. I will never not be a broken boy who needs his mother but at least now I know that I can survive that way.
The road to healing is no where near over but at least I am accepting the things I can't change. After I am done with nightmare I am going to look for more acting work but I am also going to find a more steady source of income other than the sales job. I need some stability right now...a little hush would suit me nicely right about now.
Today I made a new friend, Holly, who is an actor/producer/writer who said she would throw me some PA work if she could. So know that when I say I'm off to find a strait job that doesn't mean I'm putting my dream down. I'm still actively pursuing it I'm just going to find a less stressful way of going about it.
I love you all
KH-
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