Day 51 was the day after my birthday and it was filled with a lot of things that where interesting pretty much only to me. Good company, good coffee, good...other things. It was a day where I was certain of my decision to come back so quickly. I had some very healthy dialogue about mom and moved on to more pleasant discussion.
Day 52 however was no where near as productive or positive. I woke up in tears and for a moment was confused as to why I was crying. Than I saw someone post a youtube reading of a book mom used to read to me on her profile...if it wasn't before my sanity for the rest of the day was officially fucked.
I lost it on the subway, I lost it at work...several times, I lost it on the way home, the only reason I didn't lose it after work is because for a little while I had other things and people interesting enough to guide my thoughts else where.
I was certain by the end of the day I had moved back too soon.
Than there was today. I woke up feeling like hammered shit that was warmed over than hammered again. I tried to call in to work but John offered me the day in a less strenuous position in the house so I wouldn't have to lose a day of pay (thank you John). I was losing it at work again than I was blinded with rage.
I am shirtless as usual but in a different part of the house, I'm shirtless because they couldn't find a wardrobe for that position that fit me so they went to the good old stand by "get naked and covered in blood." To there credit it is often very effective. At some point in the night a random asshole decides its a good idea to tweak my nipple.
He wasn't gay (as far as I know) at least I know he wasn't hitting on me, it wasn't an accident he was just molesting me for no good reason. I dropped what I was doing told the girl (Amanda) in the next room and she got security to throw him out (thank you again for that Amanda).
And when security did step up the guy scoffs and says "He's an actor." I'm assuming the implication of that is that I don't matter.
I felt angry and violated and I wanted to kill someone. So I ended the night once again feeling like I came back too quickly. I also got ahold of the copy of Time Out my picture was in and realized something.
Every accomplishment I have from here on out will be like honey turning to ash in my mouth, bittersweet doesn't begin to describe it. Every thing I do now will be overshadowed by the statement "I wish mom was alive to see this." I don't know how to fucking process that.
My feelings are new and strange beasts. They are shades I have never seen before and they have texture I don't remember. They are a tapestry woven by a madman and admired by my demons.
I am not really sure who I am in these new feelings I'm experiencing. I don't know what my reactions will be. All I know is that whatever is going on in my head and in my heart, it seems to be fairly profound and it is really terrifying.
Because tonight I was angry but I was also something else I couldn't put my finger on. I was sad and I was also something else. This is how my days have been. My strong emotions when analyzed now feel like walking into your room and sensing that everything has been moved slightly to the left.
I lost my Dad 5 years ago. I still have a moment, whenever I accomplish anything, where I think "man, I wish Dad could see this."
ReplyDeleteI don;t know if that will ever go away, but I till get easier to swallow. Keep accomplishing. Pretty soon it will be like a mouthful of sweet honey that you accidentally flicked a cigarette ash on. Sure there's still a tinge of carbon bitterness but not enough to make it less sweet.
Take care. Hope your illness has passed.
And remember...
"I didn't say Park Drive, I said through the park."