It has taken me a bit longer than I had expected to get back to NYC. When I wrote the last blog I had planned on leaving that week. I wasn't ready for that. I decided to go visit my girlfriend in MI for a day and a half first just to spend some time away from both the house with so many memories and the city that moves so quickly.
I found a cheaper flight leaving two days after my original plan so I have been in Michigan since Tuesday it is now Saturday. This is the longest I have spent around my long distance girlfriend and it has been both amazing and nerve wracking. It is a big step to go from never seeing each other to being around each other for two weeks strait.
I got some perspective that broke me down last night. Last night was Lauren’s dad’s birthday. He turned 51 and his parents where there. He was 51 and his mom was at his 51st birthday party. That just makes me think I should have had another 30 years with my mom.
Jake got me the documentary footage that turned out to be the last face to face conversation I had with my mom. Ive watched it more times than I care to count. I cry almost every time. The concerned looks and questions of “how are you doing?” and “are you alright?” Are sweet, I appreciate them but I also just want to look at the questioner and say “Badly, no I’m not alright and I’m not going to be for a very long time, possibly never.” Because that is the truth, but than I make that poor soul feel either really awkward or really terrible.
The social interactions surrounding grief are exhausting. I am scared to go back to the city mainly because I’m not sure if I have an apartment when I get back. At the same time I miss it terribly and I can’t wait. I feel just as conflicted as I did the first time I left and this time I have even less money. I also have found out how awesome it can be being around Lauren all the time and it pains me to think of how I’m going to have to be without for at least another couple months.
I’ll do what I always do, be it a place to lay my head, food to eat or company to keep, I’ll figure it out. Wish me luck I go back to the city a broken man needing direction and a sense of self now more than ever. I went to the city to build an acting career and to find out who I really was, both of those things have never seemed more important.
I love you all
KH-
P.S. I now have a donate button on this blog on the upper right hand side of the page. If you decide to donate please also send me a message that you did so I can send you a thank you post card or something. I haven’t set up the add a note feature on the button yet so shoot me a message or something. Thank you.
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