New York -Intermission- "I'm sorry for your loss"

Over the past few days I have been barely holding on to my sanity. One moment I'm fine, the next moment, literally in the middle of a sentence completely unrelated to my mother I break down. The morning of the funeral for some reason I reacted the same was as I did when ai first got home
.
I flipped a couple chairs and beat the holy hell out of my back yard, scared the shit out of my girlfriend, who shortly after that episode doped me up on some anti anxiety meds which were a god send. The meds helped me not to collapse again but it didn't numb me which I feel is important...I needed to feel my feelings.

My dad struggled with feeling the need to be strong as he visibly fell apart at the seems. I walked into the room and by the end of the day if you said "the room" everyone knew what you where talking about.

I saw the casket and the tears welled up I took one look at the shell that used to contain my mother and broke down with my father. Everyone said she looked beautiful...I didn't think she looked like my mother.

I stood there for as long as I could and went outside to smoke. I was greeted by everyone at my father's work. Kind faces with kind but empty words filed past me one by one. Empty not because they had no sentiment to them but because I didn't know who they were. But they meant the world to dad so I'm happy they were there.
I also met the majority of mom's staff. I remember some names and some of them based on the stories my mom told should have been slapped for coming within a ten mile radios of that funeral home.

Every so often someone would walk in I was desperate to see. A weight would lift from my shoulders and my resolve would fade and I felt truly comforted. different family friends when anyone from my family showed up, my friends they all took the bite out of the day. I would break down now and again and my girlfriend, the rock, was there for me every single moment. She was there for me when I needed her and she took her distance when I needed that as well...she was perfect.

My ex wife walked in and for some reason in this i feel a strong connection because my mother was her mother, legality aside my mom was there in the most formidable times in both our lives for both of us. I took Sherri into the room and she cried...than I lost it. I had to run out of the funeral home.

The day dragged on and on and on. I started the day not wanting to hear anything that even sounded like "It's going to be okay" or "I'm sorry for your loss" and I spent the day listening to that soundtrack. I started to get bitter at everyone who stopped and said "your mother was an amazing woman." Yeah? She gave up her life to support me, she managed every hurtle that came her way and she did it with a smile on her face...yes thank you I knew my mother is an amazing fucking woman now get the hell away from me person I don't know and will never see again.

But I guess it's nice to know that your mom had a full and diverse life filled with people who loved her. The wisest of my friends said nothing or simply said they didn't have anything to say. No close family or friend made a point to tell me how awesome she was because they knew that we all knew how awesome she was.

The service started and I had reached an interesting place, I felt strong like I could hold it together no problem. I kind of half listened to what pastor Willie was saying because nothing he had to say was going to matter to me or make me feel any better.
Than I got up and said a few words, I read from the sheet I had written and said some more from the heart and I felt after I said that that no more needed to be said...I was good...I said goodbye.

I hugged Sherri while she wept for a few minutes and than waited for everyone to leave the room. Grandma gave me mom's cross necklace and left. I said my final good byes and closed the casket.

Finally the longest day of my life was over. I woke up today still so tired. I don't think I'll ever get over this but at least I might be able to stop crying...it seems to make people uncomfortable.
I want to stop here and thank everyone who came it meant so much to me to see all of you. The people that read this blog and that are on facebook are the people who needed to be there yesterday, whose words did offer me comfort, who did help me carry my burden that day. You all helped lighten my load and I love you all for that.

Now I am going to take one moment at a time. I'm still not sure when I'll be able to get back to NYC but there is no question...I'm going back and at least for now, the blog will become a chronicle of both dealing with my pain and my progress in getting back to my field of gold NYC.

I love you all

KH-