New York -Intermission- "A Living Nightmare"

About five or six hours after I posted my last blog I got a call. I was trying to fall back asleep after walking out a cramp. I look over at my ringing phone to see the caller ID "Mom". "Oh good because I missed a call from her the other day" I thought. "Hello?" "Kyle this is your Father you have to come home mom passed away." "what?" "You have to come home mom passed." "What? no...what?" "Mom died we need to get you on a flight." "My mom?" "Your mother my wife we need to get you home." "Nonononononononono, that's not...this isn't...that's not." ...you get the point from there.
After that it was a series of "What the fuck happened?" I was on the phone the rest of the day talking to friends, my girlfriend, my family, orchestrating a flight home. I told the people I pay rent to I'll be away for a bit. I called John from the Nightmare house and he was incredibly understanding.
From what I'm told my mother's heart expanded to three times it's normal size and she passed in her sleep.
2 o'clock came and I caught a cab with the understanding that I had money my family put in my account. I got to the airport and found out it hadn't cleared yet. After finally finding a way to pay the cabbie and my baggage claim cost the rest of the flight proceedings went fairly smoothly.
They gave three passengers some extra air miles to volunteer there seats to me and two other people because the flight was so booked. I walked on the plane and looked at my seat in between two very well dressed people both with the same look of terror in there eyes. They see my size and know "this is going to be a greeeat flight." I just looked at them and said "yup" and they moved to make room. "Finally a moment of levity." I thought.
Plane rides are kind of like a time vortex. You have no communication to the outside world and everything seems to slow down for a few hours. I got picked up by my aunt and cried some more as she drove me to belvidere. I drove through this town remembering leaving...remembering the last time I saw my mom was when I was saying goodbye. I see the house and feel like puking.
I walk in and hug my father like I never had before. I hug my grandmother and than I really lose it. I fell to my knees and pounded my fists against the kitchen floor screaming till my voice gave out. Screaming apologies, screaming for reality to return because this couldn't possibly be real. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed.
Than my grandmother told me tales of my mom's hell raising days over chinese food. Some I have heard before some I hadn't. Everyone in my family I see I can't help but weep for what they are going through as well. My grandmother lost a daughter...you don't bury your kids you just don't. My uncles and aunts lost a big sister...my father lost a wife...and my mom is gone.
This woman gave everything for me. She quit her hell raising to go to college so she could support me. Every piece of wisdom I have is due to her. there are no words for what she meant to me. She wasn't just my mother she was one of my best friends.
And as I sit here tears streaming I can hear her from beyond the grave whispering the one lesson that will never ever leave me "What did you learn from this?"
Mom, I learned that I will never love a human being as much as I loved you, I learned that your entire world can change in an instant. I learned that every single moment we have is sacred, it is to be respected and reverenced...and I learned that you being a rock for this family is one of the reasons why I am so proud to call myself a Hoskins.
Mom, I learned that I'm not ready to be without you but I will do my best with what you taught me. I learned the importance of ceremony, and tradition and I learned that nothing matters but today and the people you love.
Mom I learned that you where the best teacher i have or ever will have.

I love you mom and I'm going back to New York and I'm making you proud. I'm going to take care of your husband the best I can, and your mom and siblings and your other mom Sharon, I'm going to be your strong baby boy and than I am going to take New York by the balls and show them what "phyllis' kid" is really capable of.
I love you mom, I love you i love you I love you and I will never be the same.

My world is forever changed and I just thank God mom spent so much time on me because I can feel her beating in my chest.
when I ended these with "I love you all" I was always thinking of mom so this only seems appropriate.

I love you Mom
KH-