I was going to blog about my shitty week but I just don't have the "give a fuck" required to do that right now so instead I'll just share with you my thoughts on some new news that came to me this weekend.
I started my weekend on Saturday with a phone call to my dad. I hadn't talked to him in a while and I wanted to catch up. He gave me the news that mom's official death certificate came in and we now have the details on what killed her.
The death certificate reads "Cardiac Arrhythmia, Cardiomegaly and Left Ventricular Hypertrophy. The laymen version is heart attack as a result of heart disease. Basically even if she went to the hospital a month before she died it wouldn't have helped, she needed a heart transplant.
If she did need a transplant she was a walking time bomb. She was 50 years old, a smoker, she already had a risky surgery under her belt when she got the gastrobipass about five years before it was as safe as it is now (which isn't saying a lot), she would be at the bottom of any list in the country for a transplant.
This information of course made me fall apart for a short while but I still don't know what to do with it. It doesn't help, it doesn't make things better but it is good to know. I can't really explain it, I'm glad I know but it changes nothing.
Some teachers at my Dad's school collected a thousand dollars and donated it to the American Heart Association and I now have myself a nifty blue and orange (bears colors) rubber bracelet with an inscription on the inside that reads "In memory of Phyllis W". That isn't the only heart warming and breaking commemoration for my mom.
Sunday Travis called me and asked me if I would like to have Raymond Did It dedicated to my mom. That moves me more than any memorial that has come out of this tragedy.
I came home for a holiday trip and being in this house is unnerving but not nearly as painful as I thought it would be...that could be just because I'm still trying to hold on desperately to the denial I have fallen into. I just noticed the "alter" so to speak that my dad has set up. It has mom's ashes in a beautiful blue urn and two really amazing pictures of her next to it. Sitting next to that is making it harder for me to pretend that she is just at work right now. That might be a healthy thing I don't know.
So...is knowing better than not knowing? I guess so. Has it helped me heal? No not really.
I have no resolution for this blog, no positive parting words or a personal revelation I just have what I'm feeling. I consistent struggle, a tug of war in my soul between two beasts of my nature. My intellect that is desperate to move on, to continue going after my dream and perpetuating life as usual, and my heart, that wants to spiral into madness, rip it's robe and cry to the heavens for a release from the grip of this hole in the world that she left.
Like I said there is no point to this other than getting my thoughts on paper.
I love you all
KH-
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