New York day 51-53 "Feelings...Nothing More Than Feelings"

Day 51 was the day after my birthday and it was filled with a lot of things that where interesting pretty much only to me. Good company, good coffee, good...other things. It was a day where I was certain of my decision to come back so quickly. I had some very healthy dialogue about mom and moved on to more pleasant discussion.

Day 52 however was no where near as productive or positive. I woke up in tears and for a moment was confused as to why I was crying. Than I saw someone post a youtube reading of a book mom used to read to me on her profile...if it wasn't before my sanity for the rest of the day was officially fucked.

I lost it on the subway, I lost it at work...several times, I lost it on the way home, the only reason I didn't lose it after work is because for a little while I had other things and people interesting enough to guide my thoughts else where.

I was certain by the end of the day I had moved back too soon.

Than there was today. I woke up feeling like hammered shit that was warmed over than hammered again. I tried to call in to work but John offered me the day in a less strenuous position in the house so I wouldn't have to lose a day of pay (thank you John). I was losing it at work again than I was blinded with rage.

I am shirtless as usual but in a different part of the house, I'm shirtless because they couldn't find a wardrobe for that position that fit me so they went to the good old stand by "get naked and covered in blood." To there credit it is often very effective. At some point in the night a random asshole decides its a good idea to tweak my nipple.

He wasn't gay (as far as I know) at least I know he wasn't hitting on me, it wasn't an accident he was just molesting me for no good reason. I dropped what I was doing told the girl (Amanda) in the next room and she got security to throw him out (thank you again for that Amanda).
And when security did step up the guy scoffs and says "He's an actor." I'm assuming the implication of that is that I don't matter.

I felt angry and violated and I wanted to kill someone. So I ended the night once again feeling like I came back too quickly. I also got ahold of the copy of Time Out my picture was in and realized something.

Every accomplishment I have from here on out will be like honey turning to ash in my mouth, bittersweet doesn't begin to describe it. Every thing I do now will be overshadowed by the statement "I wish mom was alive to see this." I don't know how to fucking process that.

My feelings are new and strange beasts. They are shades I have never seen before and they have texture I don't remember. They are a tapestry woven by a madman and admired by my demons.

I am not really sure who I am in these new feelings I'm experiencing. I don't know what my reactions will be. All I know is that whatever is going on in my head and in my heart, it seems to be fairly profound and it is really terrifying.

Because tonight I was angry but I was also something else I couldn't put my finger on. I was sad and I was also something else. This is how my days have been. My strong emotions when analyzed now feel like walking into your room and sensing that everything has been moved slightly to the left.

New York (Day 50) "Happy Birthday To Me"

I woke up with about the same attitude I went to bed with, exhausted, depressed, scared, anxious. I called my woman to get a little pick me up, her voice has been a comfort lately and she has been someone I feel comfortable crying in front of on a consistent basis since mom died, and started my birthday. I remember thinking about all the things Mom used to do for my birthday. Potato pancakes just because I asked, using my dog to wake me up when I was little, singing happy birthday, I miss hearing that song from her.

I had to get out before I went back to work so I went to Times Square. I went there for three reasons, one, I really wanted a dollar pizza from two bros, two, I really wanted to feel that intense buzz of energy you can only get from standing in a crowd of thousands of people and three I missed the people I worked with there.

I stepped out of the metro station and got tingles from the energy. I ate my pizza with the reverence of a monk savoring every small bite, and I hung out with James from Pandora for a little while. It was a needed trip and I'm looking forward to seeing the other folks I work with there.

Than it was off to the Nightmare house. I walked in to find a huge welcome back card, hand made, signed by the cast, it was heartfelt, hilarious and it truly moved me. I didn't realize that the people at that house really even connected me in there minds as something other than a coworker they really liked. I now feel like I was hoping to feel, that I have, and am building, a second family here.

This was my first long night at the nightmare house but I got back into the swing of it almost instantly. It was grueling, and at times painful, and draining and I loved it. I'm so happy to be back.

I also am so glad to be apart of this House, I sometimes forget what a big deal this house is. Last night I was interviewed by HBO about the house, I just found out the house is nominated for the best haunted house in the country by MTV, the house is going to be on MTV for some show, and its frequented by Neil Patrick Harris, Vincent Denafrio, Tyra Banks apparently, and thousands upon thousands of New Yorkers. Saturday 2100 people came through the house.

And I am apart of that. I looked up at our wall of press and there is a page in Time Out Magazine that is a picture of me with reviews printed on top of it. How did I stumble on this thing?

I went out for drinks with the cast after and went to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I think I'll take today to enjoy some of the city I've been missing. Yesterday was a good day I really hope that trend continues.

I love you all

KH-

New York (Day...lets just say 49) "Welcome Home...Kinda"

Enough happened last night to justify another post about it. I said goodbye to my girlfriend and hated every second of it before I got on the plane. I didn't anticipate how hard it would be saying bye to her. We have been around each other for two weeks and she has been nothing but a rock for me and I miss her a lot already.

I then got on the smallest plane in the world and connected to an even smaller plane than that. I got off the plane decided to take a cab back to my place and was really excited to be back in this city. That excitement didn't last long.

I get back to my place and find that all my stuff had been packed up and cleared out. Turns out they didn't think I was coming back. They said if I paid two weeks i could stay. No problem I thought, I should have 200 in my account and I have 150 in my pocket...I don't know where this money went but I only had 27 dollars in my account.

I paid them the 150 and they said I could pay them back later because it didn't really matter...apparently they are no longer renting this room at the end of November, which was news to me. They didn't throw my stuff out so they brought that up and I am kind of set back up in this place.

I'm once again hoping and praying everything works out. I went from having home cooked meals every day and a place to sleep to nutrigrain bars and a fear of tomorrow...again. It's like I had forgotten about the struggle and as punishment for that the struggle punched me in the jaw.

In times like this the one thing that could make me feel better, that could console me more than anything is a call to my mom...she would float me a few dollars and tell me to take things one day at a time and right now just be thankful for the roof over my head and the nutrigrain bar in my belly...but it means so much more coming from her...and she can't do that for me any more.

Before I went to bed I looked at the clock...5 A.M...well...Happy Birthday to me...

I'm slowly getting the feeling that the person in charge of writing the play that is my life is a sadist.

I love you all...so much,

thank you to everyone who reads this for being there for me, for your words of encouragement and for your thoughts...it has helped me get through this with much more sanity than I would have had otherwise to know so many people are keeping tabs and thinking of me.

KH-

New York –Intermission- “Journey Home.”

It has taken me a bit longer than I had expected to get back to NYC. When I wrote the last blog I had planned on leaving that week. I wasn't ready for that. I decided to go visit my girlfriend in MI for a day and a half first just to spend some time away from both the house with so many memories and the city that moves so quickly.

I found a cheaper flight leaving two days after my original plan so I have been in Michigan since Tuesday it is now Saturday. This is the longest I have spent around my long distance girlfriend and it has been both amazing and nerve wracking. It is a big step to go from never seeing each other to being around each other for two weeks strait.

I got some perspective that broke me down last night. Last night was Lauren’s dad’s birthday. He turned 51 and his parents where there. He was 51 and his mom was at his 51^st birthday party. That just makes me think I should have had another 30 years with my mom.

Jake got me the documentary footage that turned out to be the last face to face conversation I had with my mom. Ive watched it more times than I care to count. I cry almost every time. The concerned looks and questions of “how are you doing?” and “are you alright?” Are sweet, I appreciate them but I also just want to look at the questioner and say “Badly, no I’m not alright and I’m not going to be for a very long time, possibly never.” Because that is the truth, but than I make that poor soul feel either really awkward or really terrible.

The social interactions surrounding grief are exhausting. I am scared to go back to the city mainly because I’m not sure if I have an apartment when I get back. At the same time I miss it terribly and I can’t wait. I feel just as conflicted as I did the first time I left and this time I have even less money. I also have found out how awesome it can be being around Lauren all the time and it pains me to think of how I’m going to have to be without for at least another couple months.

I’ll do what I always do, be it a place to lay my head, food to eat or company to keep, I’ll figure it out. Wish me luck I go back to the city a broken man needing direction and a sense of self now more than ever. I went to the city to build an acting career and to find out who I really was, both of those things have never seemed more important.

I love you all

KH-

P.S. I now have a donate button on this blog on the upper right hand side of the page. If you decide to donate please also send me a message that you did so I can send you a thank you post card or something. I haven’t set up the add a note feature on the button yet so shoot me a message or something. Thank you.

A Hole In The World.

(My family is going through something very profound and my father asked me to try and put something on paper, he has asked the use of my words for his grief so I am going to attempt to put my observations of pain into words.)

On Monday I saw my dad in a new light. He wasn't my dad that day, he was a man weeping over the casket of the love of his life. This is a man that served his country, shed blood, sweat and tears for the red white and blue broken by the lose of a woman that gave him purpose. This is a man who shouldered more tragedy in his life that I could possibly begin to understand and did it with a stiff lip, and when his love was taken from this world he openly wept at the reality of this, the greatest of his losses.

He has dwelt in the solace of the two pups turned children, Princess and Adorellba who have taken to cleaning his face of his tears of loss. He stands strong, like he always has, by the love he has for my mother. The matriarch of that love is gone but that hasn't changed the crippling reality of that love.

I have seen my dad literally kiss my mother's feet, I have seen them rub each others shoulders, steal kisses in the kitchen and playfully poke fun at each other. He has shouldered an imaginary burden of responsibility, tortured over what would have been if he hadn't gone to work like he always did, if by some freak of nature he could have possibly anticipated the nightmare we are now living through.

For a man dedicated to the protection of his family it is a back breaking thought to harbor. I know that no matter how many days pass he will always sense some kind of imaginary fault for what happened. The true tragedy is that what me and my father need is for Phyllis Walter to hold us both and tell us there was nothing we could do.This house has sheltered a singular family. We had a dynamic all our own that only the people under this roof can really understand, and now that dynamic has changed forever.

Both my father and I shuffle through this house of memories, memories of a protective mother, of a kind lover, of a woman that lived in strength. We walk in this house falling apart at the seems, having been robbed of the glue that kept us sane. This house, our hearts, our mannerisms, they all scream her name.

Broken is the only word that can be used to describe the man who took the job of my father when no one else wanted it. When the practicalities, the paper work is all done, all the T's are crossed and I's are dotted we are still left with a hole in our world.We are all we have now, and if a man has two options, to fight, or flight, than the former is the one we are choosing. We could let this drive a wedge, let ourselves drift from one another but mom's love wasn't the kind that lent it's self to weakness.

She made us strong, she made us brave and now that she is gone that is all we have left. Memories, courage and each other.

New York -Intermission- “Home Coming”

My uncle Jamie asked me once “when do you think you are going to be a real New Yorker.” I didn’t know how to answer that question until today. You are a New Yorker when you reach a place where you don’t feel like you can call any place else home.

Without mom this place, this town, this state is the place my family lives and a place I need to keep coming back to in order to see the people that I love but I can’t call it home anymore without lying to my instincts.

That being said it’s time I went back home. With the generosity of family and friends I have just enough to get back. I’ll go back with the attitude I entered the city with “I’ll figure it out.” I don’t know if my apartment is still waiting for me but I know my job and my friends there are and that’s all I need to keep chasing this dream.

I’ve seen tragedy bring out the very worst in the nature of some of those closest to me. I have also seen it bring together a family that seemed to be tied together by the very thread that was cut a week ago. And while the world around me is clamoring to ideals and practicalities that don’t really matter in the wake of this tragedy I am setting my sites on the prize my mother was so proud of me for chasing.

I will forever carry a tundra of melancholy, it will follow me for the rest of my life where ever I may roam. The absence of my mother will continue to fill me with a sense of displacement, and a consistent sorrow. She will live on in those closest to her and while I take comfort in that I also remember the words of CS Lewis. In a way of paraphrase he says that grief is not something you can get over, not in the case of a lost loved one. Grief is something that becomes a part of you, it becomes a partner of yours, it is part of your journey and when you can accept that than you can move on.

I’m not waiting for an esoteric revelation to kick me back in the game. I’m just going to make the decision and accept the fact that I have to live with this hole in my heart and move on. I’m going back to New York this week and I’m doing it feeling less protected than I ever have before. I’m doing it because mom would have wanted that. I’m doing that in spite of my lost motivation brought on by this depression. I’m doing it because really what else am I going to do?

New York is home now...and I want to go home.

I love you all

KH-

New York -Intermission- "Breath"

The funeral ends and the rest of the world goes on with there lives. Meanwhile every single moment is a struggle to get through for the family she left behind. I have been fluxuating still from being ok to being really not ok.

Lauren and I had a movie day and saw Social Network and Devil. Both good movies the quality however may have been undercut by my constant emotional flux. I woke up this morning feeling kind of like a normal person again. I don't know how long this is going to last so I'm going to make the best of it while I can.

It's a short post today because part of the reason I feel normal today is because I've gone kind of cold. I feel numb and it is harder to write when I feel that way. New York seems farther away it feels ghoulish to say I'm sitting around waiting for insurance money to fly me out and set me up back in NY but that is the way it is.

My mom's car is going to get fixed soon and when that happens I'll get a job just to occupy my time and get some walking around money until the insurance comes in. Mean while I have to sit and watch dad lose his hair over money and bills that mom used to take care of. I'm not sure how to help all I know is I really want to.

That's all for now.

I love you all

KH-

New York -Intermission- "I'm sorry for your loss"

Over the past few days I have been barely holding on to my sanity. One moment I'm fine, the next moment, literally in the middle of a sentence completely unrelated to my mother I break down. The morning of the funeral for some reason I reacted the same was as I did when ai first got home
.
I flipped a couple chairs and beat the holy hell out of my back yard, scared the shit out of my girlfriend, who shortly after that episode doped me up on some anti anxiety meds which were a god send. The meds helped me not to collapse again but it didn't numb me which I feel is important...I needed to feel my feelings.

My dad struggled with feeling the need to be strong as he visibly fell apart at the seems. I walked into the room and by the end of the day if you said "the room" everyone knew what you where talking about.

I saw the casket and the tears welled up I took one look at the shell that used to contain my mother and broke down with my father. Everyone said she looked beautiful...I didn't think she looked like my mother.

I stood there for as long as I could and went outside to smoke. I was greeted by everyone at my father's work. Kind faces with kind but empty words filed past me one by one. Empty not because they had no sentiment to them but because I didn't know who they were. But they meant the world to dad so I'm happy they were there.
I also met the majority of mom's staff. I remember some names and some of them based on the stories my mom told should have been slapped for coming within a ten mile radios of that funeral home.

Every so often someone would walk in I was desperate to see. A weight would lift from my shoulders and my resolve would fade and I felt truly comforted. different family friends when anyone from my family showed up, my friends they all took the bite out of the day. I would break down now and again and my girlfriend, the rock, was there for me every single moment. She was there for me when I needed her and she took her distance when I needed that as well...she was perfect.

My ex wife walked in and for some reason in this i feel a strong connection because my mother was her mother, legality aside my mom was there in the most formidable times in both our lives for both of us. I took Sherri into the room and she cried...than I lost it. I had to run out of the funeral home.

The day dragged on and on and on. I started the day not wanting to hear anything that even sounded like "It's going to be okay" or "I'm sorry for your loss" and I spent the day listening to that soundtrack. I started to get bitter at everyone who stopped and said "your mother was an amazing woman." Yeah? She gave up her life to support me, she managed every hurtle that came her way and she did it with a smile on her face...yes thank you I knew my mother is an amazing fucking woman now get the hell away from me person I don't know and will never see again.

But I guess it's nice to know that your mom had a full and diverse life filled with people who loved her. The wisest of my friends said nothing or simply said they didn't have anything to say. No close family or friend made a point to tell me how awesome she was because they knew that we all knew how awesome she was.

The service started and I had reached an interesting place, I felt strong like I could hold it together no problem. I kind of half listened to what pastor Willie was saying because nothing he had to say was going to matter to me or make me feel any better.
Than I got up and said a few words, I read from the sheet I had written and said some more from the heart and I felt after I said that that no more needed to be said...I was good...I said goodbye.

I hugged Sherri while she wept for a few minutes and than waited for everyone to leave the room. Grandma gave me mom's cross necklace and left. I said my final good byes and closed the casket.

Finally the longest day of my life was over. I woke up today still so tired. I don't think I'll ever get over this but at least I might be able to stop crying...it seems to make people uncomfortable.
I want to stop here and thank everyone who came it meant so much to me to see all of you. The people that read this blog and that are on facebook are the people who needed to be there yesterday, whose words did offer me comfort, who did help me carry my burden that day. You all helped lighten my load and I love you all for that.

Now I am going to take one moment at a time. I'm still not sure when I'll be able to get back to NYC but there is no question...I'm going back and at least for now, the blog will become a chronicle of both dealing with my pain and my progress in getting back to my field of gold NYC.

I love you all

KH-

New York -Intermission- "A Living Nightmare"

About five or six hours after I posted my last blog I got a call. I was trying to fall back asleep after walking out a cramp. I look over at my ringing phone to see the caller ID "Mom". "Oh good because I missed a call from her the other day" I thought. "Hello?" "Kyle this is your Father you have to come home mom passed away." "what?" "You have to come home mom passed." "What? no...what?" "Mom died we need to get you on a flight." "My mom?" "Your mother my wife we need to get you home." "Nonononononononono, that's not...this isn't...that's not." ...you get the point from there.
After that it was a series of "What the fuck happened?" I was on the phone the rest of the day talking to friends, my girlfriend, my family, orchestrating a flight home. I told the people I pay rent to I'll be away for a bit. I called John from the Nightmare house and he was incredibly understanding.
From what I'm told my mother's heart expanded to three times it's normal size and she passed in her sleep.
2 o'clock came and I caught a cab with the understanding that I had money my family put in my account. I got to the airport and found out it hadn't cleared yet. After finally finding a way to pay the cabbie and my baggage claim cost the rest of the flight proceedings went fairly smoothly.
They gave three passengers some extra air miles to volunteer there seats to me and two other people because the flight was so booked. I walked on the plane and looked at my seat in between two very well dressed people both with the same look of terror in there eyes. They see my size and know "this is going to be a greeeat flight." I just looked at them and said "yup" and they moved to make room. "Finally a moment of levity." I thought.
Plane rides are kind of like a time vortex. You have no communication to the outside world and everything seems to slow down for a few hours. I got picked up by my aunt and cried some more as she drove me to belvidere. I drove through this town remembering leaving...remembering the last time I saw my mom was when I was saying goodbye. I see the house and feel like puking.
I walk in and hug my father like I never had before. I hug my grandmother and than I really lose it. I fell to my knees and pounded my fists against the kitchen floor screaming till my voice gave out. Screaming apologies, screaming for reality to return because this couldn't possibly be real. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed.
Than my grandmother told me tales of my mom's hell raising days over chinese food. Some I have heard before some I hadn't. Everyone in my family I see I can't help but weep for what they are going through as well. My grandmother lost a daughter...you don't bury your kids you just don't. My uncles and aunts lost a big sister...my father lost a wife...and my mom is gone.
This woman gave everything for me. She quit her hell raising to go to college so she could support me. Every piece of wisdom I have is due to her. there are no words for what she meant to me. She wasn't just my mother she was one of my best friends.
And as I sit here tears streaming I can hear her from beyond the grave whispering the one lesson that will never ever leave me "What did you learn from this?"
Mom, I learned that I will never love a human being as much as I loved you, I learned that your entire world can change in an instant. I learned that every single moment we have is sacred, it is to be respected and reverenced...and I learned that you being a rock for this family is one of the reasons why I am so proud to call myself a Hoskins.
Mom, I learned that I'm not ready to be without you but I will do my best with what you taught me. I learned the importance of ceremony, and tradition and I learned that nothing matters but today and the people you love.
Mom I learned that you where the best teacher i have or ever will have.

I love you mom and I'm going back to New York and I'm making you proud. I'm going to take care of your husband the best I can, and your mom and siblings and your other mom Sharon, I'm going to be your strong baby boy and than I am going to take New York by the balls and show them what "phyllis' kid" is really capable of.
I love you mom, I love you i love you I love you and I will never be the same.

My world is forever changed and I just thank God mom spent so much time on me because I can feel her beating in my chest.
when I ended these with "I love you all" I was always thinking of mom so this only seems appropriate.

I love you Mom
KH-

New York 46-48 (Oct 5-7) "I am... the son who runs the farthest"

I got some more care package goodness today I however have not been able to see whats inside because I am either to busy or tired to go to Jessica's to get it but tomorrow I have to so I'm excited for that.

I haven't had much going on but the Nightmare House so I have had time for some self reflection which isn't always a good thing. I made some interesting realizations, one of them being that tag line of this blog is no joke, I am one lost son.

When I left I thought I had a fairly good grasp on who I was, what I wanted, and while my career goals haven't change I am becoming more and more confused as to who the man in the mirror in front of me actually is. It isn't a bad thing necessarily, change is good. Where I am getting myself into trouble however is the areas of myself that I can see changing but I don't know which way they are going to go.

It is a trying and confusing time for many more reasons that one and the past couple days have been dark days of the spirit.

I got my check today and it was missing a lot of hours on it...so I have to wait till the next check for that to be fixed. Which means I have enough money to pay rent and 8 dollars left over till next week. I might be able to work this weekend for pandora which will buy my metro card and more food.

Either way I am not worried. A change I am enjoying is New York is beating the fear out of me. I discovered that not only can I make 8 dollars last a week but I can also survive that long without the 8 bucks. It is hard and it isn't something I WANT to do but goddamn it if it isn't something I can do now.

when the next check does come or if someone ends up giving me some cash for my birthday I'm spending 68 of it on getting on Actors Access.com NYcastins is doing shit for me and I hear nothing but good things about Actors Access. I need to find a new project that starts in November so I can keep calling myself a working actor.

Also the highlight of my week, tonight a guy (whos name escapes me) from Gossip Girls came in the Nightmare House and I scared the crap out of him. I also heard that vincent denafreo is a regular yearly customer at the Nightmare house...as well as Neal Patrick Harris....I just may shit myself.

Finally a word to the wise...don't spit on a person in a haunted house or you just might "Accidentally" get tons of fake blood in your hair...and you also might get a gross fake rabbit stuffed in your whore face...just saying.

I love you all

KH-

New York Day 43-45 (Oct 2-4) "Money....It's A Gas"

The highlight of the past three days has been not having a penny to my name because western union has a bitch without a brain working for them. I went to Western Union to cash my check from the Nightmare House.

She was understandably nervous to cash it because I had an out of state ID. She called Art Meets Commerce (AMC the company that prints our checks) and she got a voicemail and decided not to cash it. She had a valid ID out of state or not, she had my social security number and my phone number, she had the number to a legitimate company and she had a legit check which she could have scanned to find out for sure....even if you she couldn't validate the check by getting ahold of someone at AMC she still had my ass with all that information if the check bounced. I didn't understand.

I also didn't want to deposit it because I needed the cash quickly. I still couldn't cash it on friday so I spent the entire weekend not being able to do with this piece of paper that said I had money all weekend. I bummed smokes, I bummed food, I felt like an ass.

Finally on monday I went to Western Union again because at this point I had one ride left on my metro card so I had no choice. The guy behind the counter took all the same information the first girl took, he called the same company got the same vm and still cashed it no problem...wtf...

All of that aside my days have been fairly uneventful. I had a long relaxing peaceful day yesterday and intend on having a similar one today. All this real life, blase boring everyday stuff, like not being able to cash a check is really making me finally get into "hey I live in NY mode" which has been interesting. The city is taking on a new kind of romance separate from the wide eyed fresh idealism kind of romance I came here with. I can't exactly explain it at the moment I just know I really like it.

I love you all

KH-

PS. I forgot to link you to the Raymond Did It Trailer in the last post so here that is now...(there travis stop giving me shit lol)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rugfGyRaOh8

New York Day 40-42 "Lord I Was Born A Ramblin' Man"

Today is the 1st and it is a Thursday, I'm saying that more for me because keeping track of these days is becoming a pain.

On Tuesday I took another day off and I joined my friend Gwen and her friend Rachel busking (Playing on the street for money) on broadway. We moved to the lower west side and on the way there jammed with a violin player in the subway.

I played my harmonica and sang house of the rising sun for a few hours. Talking, smoking, eating with these two hippies. Meeting there traveler friends and some gutter punks along the way. Really that night was the kind of thing I have always wanted to do but never had the chance.

Hanging out playing amazing music on the street sharing cigarettes and food and hanging with street kids. I slept in the next day as well and went right back to the lower west side. We went to Washington Square Park where I found out that on wed if I am hard up for cash the church near by feeds people in that park. They also hang out clothes.

Another day of learning how to live cheaply and getting to know some people drifting experiencing life through a lens not many have the chances to see through.
I was also schooled in Harmonica by an old hippie jamming in that park.

Yesterday I went back to the nightmare house. This job is going to really take a toll. But I also got paid. I now have money for rent food and possibly my phone if I can ever get to a bank to deposit this thing. I'm doing fairly well right now, I have a month of this comfort left I'm going to enjoy every second.

Yesterday the Trailer for Raymond Did It finally came out. Seeing that green band before the trailer blew me away. Than I watched it and remembered what an amazing time in my life that was. It is when I realized I couldn't live without persuing my dream. It's when I met people who became my family. It was the time where my current path came to a head. Raymond Did It is responsible for everything that is happening now and I couldn't be more grateful.

I love you all

KH-