I realized recently that I have been using this blog for it’s purpose (to update loved ones on my status) but I haven’t been using it for it’s potential. I have a drive for entertainment, I have a readership that would like to hear about the experiences and unique stories I have about this city, why am I boring you all with the broad strokes when I could be entertaining you with the details? That being said look forward to more activity here and activity that is a bit more worth the read.
Whenever I hang out with my friend Crystal I always end up in settings that appeal to my inner punk noir sensibilities and having a damn good time while I’m at it. So when she asked me to go to a “suspension” party with her I jumped all over it. If you don’t know there are two ideas of what a suspension party entails. In the fetish world it simply refers to tying up scantily clad volunteers and hanging them from a rafter or some other weight baring apparatus...this was not that.
This suspension party entails piercing the back or chest of a volunteer with hooks, attaching those hooks to a pulley system attached to rafters and lifting them off the ground. I am sure you have seen something similar on riply’s believe it or not. Well believe it or not there is a subculture of performers and thrill seekers who live for this activity.
The night starts with me and Crystal waiting outside of the building for the (for lack of a better word) leader of the group to let us in. The entrance to this place was in possibly the darkest alley in Brooklyn and I am smoking a cigarette wearing a suit because I had just come from work...yes...I am a Sin City character.
We walk up the staircase, walk through a large metal door and enter an apartment I can only describe as being an artists loft. It was a large room that struck me as being a part of a warehouse. Blue wooden floors, high ceilings, the apartment would have been big enough to fit a skaters half pipe. I hesitate to even call it an apartment I only do so because people live there but it really was like a small warehouse space.
I watched the eyes of everyone as they tried to work out my purpose there. The people here were a mixture of technicolor raver kids and tattooed, pierced rockers who had no idea what to make of the 6’4” man wearing a suit with a red tie that just walked into their den. The entire thing cracked me up because these are the kinds of people who's company I preferred in high school and to be honest they looked like the kind of people I imagined most of my family hanging out with growing up. Still I understood the apprehension and it passed quickly once I took a swig of someone’s vodka, lit a cigarette and started taking part in the festivities.
I enjoyed meeting some new people and feeling out the crowd but as soon as people sat down to get their backs pierced I kept an ear on whatever conversation I was in but the majority of my attention was on the isolated sterile area where people where having large metal spikes shoved through the slack skin of their backs. I was at no time repulsed or grossed out just utterly fascinated.
I wasn’t just fascinated by the piercings but also of the professionalism involved. These are not a bunch of dumb drunk kids, in fact if you are going to suspend or help pierce you are sober the entire night. This also wasn’t about cheap thrills but about achieving a level of transcendence, pushing your limits, overcoming fears and physical barriers. I got to witness this time and again this night because the majority of people going up were first timers.
The first girl I saw going up was such a pleasant, lovely hippy girl. She made waffles for everyone and had a huge smile on her face the entire night. Getting pierced was no problem for her and I could see the excitement and fear on her face when they hooked the hooks up to the (I believe the technical term is) ring.
The man on the pulley rope pulled the slack of the rope and this girl was on her tippy toes trying to pump herself up enough to jump. I saw the pain on her face as her skin pulled away from her body, I saw her face flush and the tears start to well up. She gritted her teeth and listened intently to the positive affirmations of the man helping her. She stood there trying to get over the pain for a long time before she was ready. She stepped forward twice, back three steps, forward four, back five and than she jumped up and the pull man held on tight.
In that instant everyone watching started to applaud. She asked to be put down pretty shortly after and she tried to get off the ground again but the second go round was too much for her. Regardless she overcame something, she fought an inner battle and for a brief shining moment she won.
On the total other end of the spectrum I saw a second girl go up who dove right in and was dancing mid air like a ballerina on meat hooks for 15 minutes. I saw some of the regular guys do some performing and I got to see one girl go up by her knees. She made it but it didn’t look pleasant.
The way Crystal explains it these people will be feeling an endorphin high for the next week and I wont lie I was a little jealous of them. Not enough to do it but it takes guts to face the fear of pain, to face the fear of the unknown, to overcome that way. Not only that but it looks amazing.
My life here is continually filled with new awe inspiring experiences and it surprises me that I can still be surprised and delighted. I love doing something that I would have never had the opportunity to do otherwise simply because of where I lay my head. What I love more is the realization that this is not over, these things will continue to happen as long as I keep an open mind because new, inspiring, strange and different things happen here every day.
I love you all
KH
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
New York Yr1 Day 79 ...sup life...
Productivity, stability and serendipity. Those are the words that can best describe my life since the last time I updated you. In a strange turn of events my life has kind of come together. The evil troll known as hogell moved out (not without causing some physical damage to the apartment first of course) and I moved my things in.
The rhythm of the universe has finally caught up with me and one thing after another keeps falling into my lap. I found a job passing out flyers that kept my head above water just long enough to land myself a doorman job and a job at Godiva.
I was actually recruited for both jobs while either selling or promoting on the street. Apart from the practical, my life, my ego, my sense of self and well being have all been finding a kind of harmony. October came and went and I survived it, more than that I thrived.
I fully expected a heart wrenching month, the 1 year anniversary of my mothers death and the single most devastating moment of my life and it wasn’t impossible to get through. Tears happened but they were good tears. They were tears of healing and catharsis, they were tears of acceptance and understanding, they were the kind of tears that baptize you and bring a sense of emotional and spiritual salvation.
I am not one to believe that one “sticks around” after their passing but this October I felt the presence of my mother and it was palatable and I knew that while the pain will follow me for the rest of my life it serves no one for me to bare it like a cross. This is a pain that becomes apart of your skin and my mother’s memory is not honored by me cutting into this wound again and again in an effort to “not forget her”.
This acceptance and growth wouldn’t have even been fathomable without the friends I’ve made here. It’s like I just woke up one day to find that I had cultivated my very own NYC family. I have a real, honest to goodness home with a circle of people that honestly love me. This journey has made me a new person, I’m still figuring it out and I’m still in the middle of a metamorphosis but as of right now, for the first time in what feels like the past four years I have a moment to take a deep breath.
“But Kyle what about the reason you went to New York in the first place?” Yeah I know, all my posts have almost nothing to do with my acting or writing career. Well this year I guess I just needed to become the kind of man that could legitimately chase this dream. I had the ambition but not the tools.
Now I feel I have both. I am not auditioning, I have decided I will not be happy with the show unless I’m running it; so I have written a 20 min short that I plan on producing before the end of the year. I’m going to start fund raising for it in the next month so keep an eye out for that.
This project will serve as my acting, directing, writing, editing and production portfolio and with any luck it will bring me work I can really sink my teeth into. But I know I wont be sated by just making shorts and features and putting myself in them. This dream just got bigger and hopefully with the help from some talented friends both from good ol’ Rockford and from NYC I can put together a production company that is a resource not only for our own projects but something that is a resource for all kinds of filmmakers.
I feel like I finally have the know how, the ambition and the faith to get this done. All I needed was a few years of hell and a moment of clarity to make me see it all.
In short?...sup life
I love you all
KH-
The rhythm of the universe has finally caught up with me and one thing after another keeps falling into my lap. I found a job passing out flyers that kept my head above water just long enough to land myself a doorman job and a job at Godiva.
I was actually recruited for both jobs while either selling or promoting on the street. Apart from the practical, my life, my ego, my sense of self and well being have all been finding a kind of harmony. October came and went and I survived it, more than that I thrived.
I fully expected a heart wrenching month, the 1 year anniversary of my mothers death and the single most devastating moment of my life and it wasn’t impossible to get through. Tears happened but they were good tears. They were tears of healing and catharsis, they were tears of acceptance and understanding, they were the kind of tears that baptize you and bring a sense of emotional and spiritual salvation.
I am not one to believe that one “sticks around” after their passing but this October I felt the presence of my mother and it was palatable and I knew that while the pain will follow me for the rest of my life it serves no one for me to bare it like a cross. This is a pain that becomes apart of your skin and my mother’s memory is not honored by me cutting into this wound again and again in an effort to “not forget her”.
This acceptance and growth wouldn’t have even been fathomable without the friends I’ve made here. It’s like I just woke up one day to find that I had cultivated my very own NYC family. I have a real, honest to goodness home with a circle of people that honestly love me. This journey has made me a new person, I’m still figuring it out and I’m still in the middle of a metamorphosis but as of right now, for the first time in what feels like the past four years I have a moment to take a deep breath.
“But Kyle what about the reason you went to New York in the first place?” Yeah I know, all my posts have almost nothing to do with my acting or writing career. Well this year I guess I just needed to become the kind of man that could legitimately chase this dream. I had the ambition but not the tools.
Now I feel I have both. I am not auditioning, I have decided I will not be happy with the show unless I’m running it; so I have written a 20 min short that I plan on producing before the end of the year. I’m going to start fund raising for it in the next month so keep an eye out for that.
This project will serve as my acting, directing, writing, editing and production portfolio and with any luck it will bring me work I can really sink my teeth into. But I know I wont be sated by just making shorts and features and putting myself in them. This dream just got bigger and hopefully with the help from some talented friends both from good ol’ Rockford and from NYC I can put together a production company that is a resource not only for our own projects but something that is a resource for all kinds of filmmakers.
I feel like I finally have the know how, the ambition and the faith to get this done. All I needed was a few years of hell and a moment of clarity to make me see it all.
In short?...sup life
I love you all
KH-
Sunday, September 11, 2011
New York Yr 1 Day 24 "9/11"
A couple walked up to me tonight, he had his arm around her, she was pressing against him. They looked older than they were. They walked up to me with hope and sadness in there eyes telling a story of loss I couldn’t begin to speculate on. They seemed frail and weary and the last thing I expected them to ask about was my comedy show.
“You have a comedy show tonight?” They asked. “I do would you like to hear about it?” I said with all the pep and confidence you would expect from a salesman and the tenderness of understanding and foresight you wouldn’t.
The woman shrugged, they looked at me again and said , with meek but sincere smiles they struggled to maintain through out our conversation, “We just really want to laugh” and I could tell written on their faces the word need where want was spoken.
I began my show description no longer in the tone of a salesman but with the soft voice of hope, making certain to take any hint of patronization or pity out of my voice and leaving only tenderness and reassurance, listing off the names of the comedians as if to say “for a night, yes, yes I can help you forget.” I toyed with the idea of giving them the tickets out of my pocket but that just seemed like pity to me and these two deserved better. I cut them the best deal I could and it was still the saddest sale I had ever made.
The remainder of the night was spent with militant determination. It was a Sunday and the kick off of football season and if we didn’t sell enough tickets (which was entirely possible under these conditions) we wouldn’t have a show...and I needed that couple to have a show.
It turned out to be a better sales night than was expected and moments before show time I saw that couple across the street laughing with some friends, truly enjoying the night in a way only two people determined to focus on the joys of the world could. They drank in the laughter, it moved their entire being, they were savoring it as if it were their first drops of joy after a long and tedious drought.
...it was a good night...
I love you all
KH-
“You have a comedy show tonight?” They asked. “I do would you like to hear about it?” I said with all the pep and confidence you would expect from a salesman and the tenderness of understanding and foresight you wouldn’t.
The woman shrugged, they looked at me again and said , with meek but sincere smiles they struggled to maintain through out our conversation, “We just really want to laugh” and I could tell written on their faces the word need where want was spoken.
I began my show description no longer in the tone of a salesman but with the soft voice of hope, making certain to take any hint of patronization or pity out of my voice and leaving only tenderness and reassurance, listing off the names of the comedians as if to say “for a night, yes, yes I can help you forget.” I toyed with the idea of giving them the tickets out of my pocket but that just seemed like pity to me and these two deserved better. I cut them the best deal I could and it was still the saddest sale I had ever made.
The remainder of the night was spent with militant determination. It was a Sunday and the kick off of football season and if we didn’t sell enough tickets (which was entirely possible under these conditions) we wouldn’t have a show...and I needed that couple to have a show.
It turned out to be a better sales night than was expected and moments before show time I saw that couple across the street laughing with some friends, truly enjoying the night in a way only two people determined to focus on the joys of the world could. They drank in the laughter, it moved their entire being, they were savoring it as if it were their first drops of joy after a long and tedious drought.
...it was a good night...
I love you all
KH-
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
New York Yr 1 Day 20 "On The Road"
To catch you up here is my situation. For reasons I will not get into I was forced to leave my apartment. In the mean time I have been sleeping on my friend’s couch until his roommate, who desperately wants to move out (they don’t get along) moves.
A couple days ago my friend Reagan’s roommate (lets just call him Hoggel because well...he is an angry little troll) got a wild hair up his ass and decided he wanted to squeeze me for money. I had been sleeping on this couch un-protested for a month and the only reason I wasn’t looking for other places to live is because Hoggel said he was going to move. Now Hoggel has moved his move day again and again to the point of it being an indefinite situation...some how, for some reason this justifies him throwing me out on the street with no warning. I would have had no problem paying Hoggel and Reagan for my time on the couch but Hoggel brought it to Reagan before he brought it to me and Reagan, the kind soul that he is, refused that thought out right and began his defense of me.
I was caught un aware and off guard by all of this but I could hear them arguing in the living room while I was in Reagan’s room...brought there by Amanda so we could both avoid the fight because this altercation was about much more than me. I could hear hoggle flippantly decided my fate. When Reagan had said his peace I walked out and Hoggle, with all the authority a troll can muster, says “hey listen man you gotta get out.” I was in the kitchen...I set my fork down...”That’s not going to happen” I say. “Excuse me?” He says...I sit down in front of him and begin explaining the situation. I begin explaining to him that what he is doing is wrong and childish.
What happened after that I don’t know because I went red I do know that in an instant I decided to pack my shit. He had already called the police the second I wanted to talk about leaving instead of just leaving. I brought my things down stairs and smoked a cigarette while Amanda tried to talk me down from boarding the next flight to Illinois. The cops came told Hoggel he had no legal grounds to kick me out and went along there way to do some real police work.
I didn’t care...I couldn’t stay in that apartment. I went to Amanda’s had a relatively normal day and than had a lovely evening at a diner. I was jonesing for a diner for some reason and it was all I could have hoped for. It did what diners do, it reminded me of every beautiful ragamuffin I have ever met, it’s food was just as amazingly mediocre but in the perfectly charming way. That night I was to stay at Amanda’s again but once again my presence was a point of contention.
Something broke in me. I should point out here that the reason I lost the first apartment was a series of unfortunate events but it was through no fault of my own. So here I am, feeling like a leper, a scum bag, a leach. But this isn’t “Kyle still isn’t on his feet when is he going to get it together?” No, I had it together, I had a place and I was on a lease and that all went away. I felt as if every strip of dignity had finally been taken from me. I felt like I couldn’t put my head down anymore. I didn’t have anymore “thank you ma’am and thank you sir” for people who collect favors and enjoy making themselves better than others in me. I couldn’t feel helpless and take charity one more night. I refused to stay one more night in a place where I wasn’t 100% welcome. Reagan and Amanda would house me till judgment if they had to and I would do the same for them but this wasn’t about them.
I grabbed my bag and went right back to that diner. I was going to sit in that diner all night...what I was going to do after that night I wasn’t sure...maybe stay with a different friend I hadn’t decided but I knew I was done feeling this way...I needed to reclaim my dignity by doing something undignified and have my first truly homeless night in New York City.
I scribbled in my note book as the night went on, as I drank my coffee and read “On The Road” by Jack Kerouac (the irony wasn’t lost on me). The remaineder of this blog is what I wrote last night and today.
-------------------------------------around 1:00AM riding the Q to atalntic ave----
When I die I want people to say I had integrity. I want to be a man known for living life as completely as I could with as much integrity as I could muster. I want to be known for handling being road weary with grace.
But what I want today is my dignity back.
-------------------------------2:37 at the Diner------
It’s only 2:37 how will I make this night?
---------------4:00AM------
Piano man just came on the radio. It’s 4 AM, I’m in a 24hr Brooklyn Diner reading On The Road listening to Piano man and drinking diner coffee tasting the way only diner coffee can taste. I’m tired, road weary, fed up and waiting for morning...
---------------Around 5:00 AM------------
I’ve started to nod off here and there. Thankfully I’ve been so into my book the diner staff haven’t noticed. I dreamt of being held by a beautiful blonde woman. She holds my head to her chest, stroking my hair, kissing me and telling me everything will be okay. An angel come to help me heal even if just for a little while.
I hate myself a little for having this dream, for needing...
My thoughts of healing always go to women. I hate that I let women define me. I don’t think that's so much of a problem these days though. But I do find myself believing that I need a woman. I’m almost certain this has something to do with my mother or the fact that I was raised by women. Or maybe it’s just because the female archetype has always been the symbol of healing and tenderness. “god and the goddess” “Mother” earth ect.
I do love women though. There is something achieved in my friendships with women that I haven’t tapped into with men yet and I don’t quite know what it is.
------------------------around 5:30 AM---------
Why am I here in this diner?
I can no longer let small power crazed control freaks strip me of my dignity. If I am not 100% wanted some place I refuse to stay there anymore. I have no more “keep your head down” in me. I will no longer let these people hold some kind of assumed power over me. I can’t do it anymore...I wont.
The real reason is the rug was pulled from under me and now I’m struggling once again to forge a tangible place in the world and have been driven to my breaking point. I NEED to start winning my dignity back.
Fuck em’ I know who loves me and I am so thankful for them...anyone that isn’t them or me can take a leap...I’m getting my power back.
-----------------6:00 AM----------
Still haven’t slept. Heard a con ed guy talking to his buddy. One asked the other how he was doing and he emphasized many times, he “had no complaints”...I wonder what that’s like...
-----------------around 6:30 AM--------
My body is starting to feel like my heart...sick and toxic
--------------8:00 AM---------------(around 5 I texted jessica asking if I could nap at her place after she wakes up so at least I can go sell tickets with some sleep in me)
Took the train to Jessica's in the hopes I could find a place to lay my head for a few hours. Got some winks on the subway. Just rolled a cigarette for a 40 something aspiring voice actor. Meeting strangers always makes me feel good about being a wanderer. I realized this is the first night in NY I truly had no place to go. I’m sitting on the sidewalk smoking like a proper bum and while I appreciate the novelty I can’t help but to hear one thought echoing in my head “Never Again”.
When this gets sorted I’m holding on to whatever situation I have for dear life. I refuse to be a burden, I refuse, I refuse, I refuse I refuse.
--------------around 8:30---------
I’m trying to look like a writer not a hobo...but in the grand scheme I don’t suppose they are so different...
--------------------a little while after that------------
I would probably cry if I weren't so tired.
-----------9:43 AM---------
I think some guy thought I was another homeless youth and gave me a drag or 2 off his amazing joint...I mean I am another homeless youth but thats not the point...the point is I feel goooood.
Honestly I think he was just a kind soul who saw I needed a breather....or he needed a light and I looked down for that...either way I’m feeling markedly better about everything right now...also I think this improves my hand writing...
-------------------a little after 10---------
another guy stopped to share a J with me...that has never happened to me before...I’m going to have to come to this spot more often.
--------------------9:27PM----------
I made it through the night and Jessica let me sleep the day away in her bed.
I think my only option is to swallow my dignity and go back to amanda’s. Good news is I might only be a day away from having my own place again. It sounds like as soon as I talk to the landlord and work out the finer points of the lease I am home free...finally.
Don’t get too excited Kyle...Miles to go.
-------------------------------
I have to PS all this by reiterating that I am not a vagrant. I had a place, I lost that place and now I'm struggling to get back what I had. I have 2 jobs and money saved up, I'm not some slacker, I'm not some lazy ass who doesn't take control of his life...life is just a bitch sometimes.
And I am ending this night with a full stomach, drinking wine with two people who have fought tooth and nail for my happiness. I don't' want anyone to worry...I just couldn't take it anymore and guess I just needed to spend a night beholden to no one.
Thank you again Jessica and Lauren....the Pallete girls always got my back and I'll never for get it :)
I love you all
KH-
A couple days ago my friend Reagan’s roommate (lets just call him Hoggel because well...he is an angry little troll) got a wild hair up his ass and decided he wanted to squeeze me for money. I had been sleeping on this couch un-protested for a month and the only reason I wasn’t looking for other places to live is because Hoggel said he was going to move. Now Hoggel has moved his move day again and again to the point of it being an indefinite situation...some how, for some reason this justifies him throwing me out on the street with no warning. I would have had no problem paying Hoggel and Reagan for my time on the couch but Hoggel brought it to Reagan before he brought it to me and Reagan, the kind soul that he is, refused that thought out right and began his defense of me.
I was caught un aware and off guard by all of this but I could hear them arguing in the living room while I was in Reagan’s room...brought there by Amanda so we could both avoid the fight because this altercation was about much more than me. I could hear hoggle flippantly decided my fate. When Reagan had said his peace I walked out and Hoggle, with all the authority a troll can muster, says “hey listen man you gotta get out.” I was in the kitchen...I set my fork down...”That’s not going to happen” I say. “Excuse me?” He says...I sit down in front of him and begin explaining the situation. I begin explaining to him that what he is doing is wrong and childish.
What happened after that I don’t know because I went red I do know that in an instant I decided to pack my shit. He had already called the police the second I wanted to talk about leaving instead of just leaving. I brought my things down stairs and smoked a cigarette while Amanda tried to talk me down from boarding the next flight to Illinois. The cops came told Hoggel he had no legal grounds to kick me out and went along there way to do some real police work.
I didn’t care...I couldn’t stay in that apartment. I went to Amanda’s had a relatively normal day and than had a lovely evening at a diner. I was jonesing for a diner for some reason and it was all I could have hoped for. It did what diners do, it reminded me of every beautiful ragamuffin I have ever met, it’s food was just as amazingly mediocre but in the perfectly charming way. That night I was to stay at Amanda’s again but once again my presence was a point of contention.
Something broke in me. I should point out here that the reason I lost the first apartment was a series of unfortunate events but it was through no fault of my own. So here I am, feeling like a leper, a scum bag, a leach. But this isn’t “Kyle still isn’t on his feet when is he going to get it together?” No, I had it together, I had a place and I was on a lease and that all went away. I felt as if every strip of dignity had finally been taken from me. I felt like I couldn’t put my head down anymore. I didn’t have anymore “thank you ma’am and thank you sir” for people who collect favors and enjoy making themselves better than others in me. I couldn’t feel helpless and take charity one more night. I refused to stay one more night in a place where I wasn’t 100% welcome. Reagan and Amanda would house me till judgment if they had to and I would do the same for them but this wasn’t about them.
I grabbed my bag and went right back to that diner. I was going to sit in that diner all night...what I was going to do after that night I wasn’t sure...maybe stay with a different friend I hadn’t decided but I knew I was done feeling this way...I needed to reclaim my dignity by doing something undignified and have my first truly homeless night in New York City.
I scribbled in my note book as the night went on, as I drank my coffee and read “On The Road” by Jack Kerouac (the irony wasn’t lost on me). The remaineder of this blog is what I wrote last night and today.
-------------------------------------around 1:00AM riding the Q to atalntic ave----
When I die I want people to say I had integrity. I want to be a man known for living life as completely as I could with as much integrity as I could muster. I want to be known for handling being road weary with grace.
But what I want today is my dignity back.
-------------------------------2:37 at the Diner------
It’s only 2:37 how will I make this night?
---------------4:00AM------
Piano man just came on the radio. It’s 4 AM, I’m in a 24hr Brooklyn Diner reading On The Road listening to Piano man and drinking diner coffee tasting the way only diner coffee can taste. I’m tired, road weary, fed up and waiting for morning...
---------------Around 5:00 AM------------
I’ve started to nod off here and there. Thankfully I’ve been so into my book the diner staff haven’t noticed. I dreamt of being held by a beautiful blonde woman. She holds my head to her chest, stroking my hair, kissing me and telling me everything will be okay. An angel come to help me heal even if just for a little while.
I hate myself a little for having this dream, for needing...
My thoughts of healing always go to women. I hate that I let women define me. I don’t think that's so much of a problem these days though. But I do find myself believing that I need a woman. I’m almost certain this has something to do with my mother or the fact that I was raised by women. Or maybe it’s just because the female archetype has always been the symbol of healing and tenderness. “god and the goddess” “Mother” earth ect.
I do love women though. There is something achieved in my friendships with women that I haven’t tapped into with men yet and I don’t quite know what it is.
------------------------around 5:30 AM---------
Why am I here in this diner?
I can no longer let small power crazed control freaks strip me of my dignity. If I am not 100% wanted some place I refuse to stay there anymore. I have no more “keep your head down” in me. I will no longer let these people hold some kind of assumed power over me. I can’t do it anymore...I wont.
The real reason is the rug was pulled from under me and now I’m struggling once again to forge a tangible place in the world and have been driven to my breaking point. I NEED to start winning my dignity back.
Fuck em’ I know who loves me and I am so thankful for them...anyone that isn’t them or me can take a leap...I’m getting my power back.
-----------------6:00 AM----------
Still haven’t slept. Heard a con ed guy talking to his buddy. One asked the other how he was doing and he emphasized many times, he “had no complaints”...I wonder what that’s like...
-----------------around 6:30 AM--------
My body is starting to feel like my heart...sick and toxic
--------------8:00 AM---------------(around 5 I texted jessica asking if I could nap at her place after she wakes up so at least I can go sell tickets with some sleep in me)
Took the train to Jessica's in the hopes I could find a place to lay my head for a few hours. Got some winks on the subway. Just rolled a cigarette for a 40 something aspiring voice actor. Meeting strangers always makes me feel good about being a wanderer. I realized this is the first night in NY I truly had no place to go. I’m sitting on the sidewalk smoking like a proper bum and while I appreciate the novelty I can’t help but to hear one thought echoing in my head “Never Again”.
When this gets sorted I’m holding on to whatever situation I have for dear life. I refuse to be a burden, I refuse, I refuse, I refuse I refuse.
--------------around 8:30---------
I’m trying to look like a writer not a hobo...but in the grand scheme I don’t suppose they are so different...
--------------------a little while after that------------
I would probably cry if I weren't so tired.
-----------9:43 AM---------
I think some guy thought I was another homeless youth and gave me a drag or 2 off his amazing joint...I mean I am another homeless youth but thats not the point...the point is I feel goooood.
Honestly I think he was just a kind soul who saw I needed a breather....or he needed a light and I looked down for that...either way I’m feeling markedly better about everything right now...also I think this improves my hand writing...
-------------------a little after 10---------
another guy stopped to share a J with me...that has never happened to me before...I’m going to have to come to this spot more often.
--------------------9:27PM----------
I made it through the night and Jessica let me sleep the day away in her bed.
I think my only option is to swallow my dignity and go back to amanda’s. Good news is I might only be a day away from having my own place again. It sounds like as soon as I talk to the landlord and work out the finer points of the lease I am home free...finally.
Don’t get too excited Kyle...Miles to go.
-------------------------------
I have to PS all this by reiterating that I am not a vagrant. I had a place, I lost that place and now I'm struggling to get back what I had. I have 2 jobs and money saved up, I'm not some slacker, I'm not some lazy ass who doesn't take control of his life...life is just a bitch sometimes.
And I am ending this night with a full stomach, drinking wine with two people who have fought tooth and nail for my happiness. I don't' want anyone to worry...I just couldn't take it anymore and guess I just needed to spend a night beholden to no one.
Thank you again Jessica and Lauren....the Pallete girls always got my back and I'll never for get it :)
I love you all
KH-
Thursday, August 18, 2011
253 New York Day 365 “Year of the Tiger In The Concrete Jungle”
So here it is, 1 year in the big apple and holy hell has it been a trip. “These streets will make you feel brand new, bright lights will inspire you, let’s hear it for New York.” Yes...lets, but Alicia you left out the part where this city will also ride you hard and put you away wet.
Don’t mistake my tone for complaining, I’m just saying people who come here expecting not to get eaten alive are kidding themselves. This has been the single most enlightening, heart breaking, exciting, educational experience of my 24 years on this planet.
I have been a sucker and a con man, I’ve been an emperor and a drifter, I have been a king and the court jester and I have lived more in 365 days than most people do in 5 years. I haven’t achieved any grand ideals of stage or film, but at the end of the day that doesn’t really matter.
I have learned what it means to make things happen. Going from living on bread and water to dining out nightly and back again is the karmic equivalent of a masters program and I am grateful for it.
At the moment however I am faced with one haunting question. “Is it worth it?” I have sacrificed so much to be here, given up so much to pursue a dream that to all outside observers seems like chasing the wind.
I have had to put even that aside just to keep my head above water. Every day is an endless struggle and for what exactly? It’s hard to keep site of your goals when you are dealing with a broken heart. All I have wanted these past few weeks is to run home and cry to momma so to speak.
But if she were here she would be telling me how proud she is of the strength I’ve shown in staying and that I should continue marching forward.
I still look around at this beautiful city of mine and take it all in, I’m still awe stricken that I live here, that this is the place I call home. I am still proud that I have carved my way out of stone here. I am proud of the lessons I have learned and of the man I am becoming because of what this place and the people here have taught me.
I am proud of the decisions I have made and I am proud of the character those decisions have given me. I know so much more about myself now. I know that if I narrow my gaze and embrace the pain of my decisions I will come out of it with either the end goal I had started with or with an outcome that is above all else positive.
I’m proud of who I am and this city is a big part of that.
I came here a lost boy to either find myself or to get more lost and some how I have accomplished both.
This blog is kind of a mixed bag but so is this city so I guess it’s fitting.
Synopsis? I came here with awe of what the city had to offer...I still have that awe but I also have much different eyes to see the world with and I think that kind of change only comes with hardship, and I’m happy with these new eyes.
I love you all
KH-
Don’t mistake my tone for complaining, I’m just saying people who come here expecting not to get eaten alive are kidding themselves. This has been the single most enlightening, heart breaking, exciting, educational experience of my 24 years on this planet.
I have been a sucker and a con man, I’ve been an emperor and a drifter, I have been a king and the court jester and I have lived more in 365 days than most people do in 5 years. I haven’t achieved any grand ideals of stage or film, but at the end of the day that doesn’t really matter.
I have learned what it means to make things happen. Going from living on bread and water to dining out nightly and back again is the karmic equivalent of a masters program and I am grateful for it.
At the moment however I am faced with one haunting question. “Is it worth it?” I have sacrificed so much to be here, given up so much to pursue a dream that to all outside observers seems like chasing the wind.
I have had to put even that aside just to keep my head above water. Every day is an endless struggle and for what exactly? It’s hard to keep site of your goals when you are dealing with a broken heart. All I have wanted these past few weeks is to run home and cry to momma so to speak.
But if she were here she would be telling me how proud she is of the strength I’ve shown in staying and that I should continue marching forward.
I still look around at this beautiful city of mine and take it all in, I’m still awe stricken that I live here, that this is the place I call home. I am still proud that I have carved my way out of stone here. I am proud of the lessons I have learned and of the man I am becoming because of what this place and the people here have taught me.
I am proud of the decisions I have made and I am proud of the character those decisions have given me. I know so much more about myself now. I know that if I narrow my gaze and embrace the pain of my decisions I will come out of it with either the end goal I had started with or with an outcome that is above all else positive.
I’m proud of who I am and this city is a big part of that.
I came here a lost boy to either find myself or to get more lost and some how I have accomplished both.
This blog is kind of a mixed bag but so is this city so I guess it’s fitting.
Synopsis? I came here with awe of what the city had to offer...I still have that awe but I also have much different eyes to see the world with and I think that kind of change only comes with hardship, and I’m happy with these new eyes.
I love you all
KH-
Monday, August 8, 2011
New York Day 355 "here we are again"
Haven’t done this in a while. Sat down to the key board, put on some tunes and wrote. It’s one of many things I’m hoping to introduce to my life again. I have been so overwhelmed I haven’t been able to even consider putting the proverbial pen to paper in what feels like months.
I’m not going to go into details, mainly because of how painful those details are, but at the moment I am drifting again. Luckily I have the resources this time around that I have a definite end date in site.
The short story is that I was going to move, those moving plans fell through but not before my roommates took a security deposit from someone intending to take over what was supposed to be my vacancy. Shortly after that my friend Reagan expressed a need for a roommate and while my moving situation was FUBAR acts of extreme gratitude and maturity allowed me the resources to take over Reagan’s soon to be vacant room. So now I am in a living situation limbo until the old roomie moves out.
I don’t mind it terribly actually...at this moment I kind of like being a leaf on the wind. I think that’s just because the hardships of drifting make you appreciate everything. My friend Cara is staying with her man tonight and has allowed me her room which has a real, honest to goodness bed...I’ve been sleeping on a futon for 8 months so this is heavenly. It’s moments like this, solitude and privacy when you are used to exposure, comfort when you are used to compromise, safety when you are used to uncertainty that just makes everything worth it.
On top of that I am in the process of shifting my career focus. I had been putting so much of my time, effort and energy into a project that I believed in but ultimately wasn’t something that suited me. Thankfully my boss and friend Dan is understanding enough to continue to offer me enough work that could potentially pay my bills while I also try to find a second job and focus finally on acting.
There are other things happening that are a bit more traumatic but nothing I want to air out in public. Lets just leave it at this, this has been and intensely stressful few months...actually when I think about it it’s been that this entire year.
The choices I have made, the roads I have chosen to travel have led me through some of the most painful and stressful situations I have ever encountered and if pressed I would say I don’t really believe things will ever get this insane for me again, because well, not to tempt fate but how could they?
Aside from that though I have grown more, learned more about life and myself, and experienced more life in the past year than I think I have in the previous 23. When I moved here my mother said “I just want you to have life experiences” well mom...your welcome.
I am looking on the horizon of my life and I don’t know where it is going and at the moment I am devastated over missing pieces...huge chunks in my life that should be there but aren’t, but logistically I am seeing things come together that (I say with bated breath) seem to offer a sense of security and normalcy finally. Now lets see if I can finally making some headway in the goals I came out here to achieve.
In about 10 days it will be 1 year since I made the trip...I guess I’ll talk to you again than.
I love you all...especially you....you know who you are and I miss you.
KH-
I’m not going to go into details, mainly because of how painful those details are, but at the moment I am drifting again. Luckily I have the resources this time around that I have a definite end date in site.
The short story is that I was going to move, those moving plans fell through but not before my roommates took a security deposit from someone intending to take over what was supposed to be my vacancy. Shortly after that my friend Reagan expressed a need for a roommate and while my moving situation was FUBAR acts of extreme gratitude and maturity allowed me the resources to take over Reagan’s soon to be vacant room. So now I am in a living situation limbo until the old roomie moves out.
I don’t mind it terribly actually...at this moment I kind of like being a leaf on the wind. I think that’s just because the hardships of drifting make you appreciate everything. My friend Cara is staying with her man tonight and has allowed me her room which has a real, honest to goodness bed...I’ve been sleeping on a futon for 8 months so this is heavenly. It’s moments like this, solitude and privacy when you are used to exposure, comfort when you are used to compromise, safety when you are used to uncertainty that just makes everything worth it.
On top of that I am in the process of shifting my career focus. I had been putting so much of my time, effort and energy into a project that I believed in but ultimately wasn’t something that suited me. Thankfully my boss and friend Dan is understanding enough to continue to offer me enough work that could potentially pay my bills while I also try to find a second job and focus finally on acting.
There are other things happening that are a bit more traumatic but nothing I want to air out in public. Lets just leave it at this, this has been and intensely stressful few months...actually when I think about it it’s been that this entire year.
The choices I have made, the roads I have chosen to travel have led me through some of the most painful and stressful situations I have ever encountered and if pressed I would say I don’t really believe things will ever get this insane for me again, because well, not to tempt fate but how could they?
Aside from that though I have grown more, learned more about life and myself, and experienced more life in the past year than I think I have in the previous 23. When I moved here my mother said “I just want you to have life experiences” well mom...your welcome.
I am looking on the horizon of my life and I don’t know where it is going and at the moment I am devastated over missing pieces...huge chunks in my life that should be there but aren’t, but logistically I am seeing things come together that (I say with bated breath) seem to offer a sense of security and normalcy finally. Now lets see if I can finally making some headway in the goals I came out here to achieve.
In about 10 days it will be 1 year since I made the trip...I guess I’ll talk to you again than.
I love you all...especially you....you know who you are and I miss you.
KH-
Sunday, May 15, 2011
New York Day 254 "I'm A Hustla' Baby"
I know it’s been a while and part of that is because I have been focusing a lot on my Youtube channel. www.youtube.com/theshadowed1 if you are interested. I am still not doing great financially but I have pulled myself out of the hopelessness of the situation I was in when I last updated you.
What has happened this month indeed. Well, I was apart of a show called “Something Wicked” and as per usual in any performance I have been in I made some friends and met some really amazing people. It didn’t win any awards or anything, it didn’t get me paid but it was essentially an “off broadway” play in New York City and it was the first stage I have been on in New York that wasn’t an open mic so it was a mile marker if anything.
I am coming back to illinois in August to film another project Travis Legge is working on and I can not wait to see some old friends and be on a set under Travis’ direction and Tim Stotz’s keen eye again. I miss working with people I have known for years, I miss talking with people and working with people who understand my short hand and who’s short hand I understand. More importantly I miss being around a group of people that make me laugh harder than I ever have. Don’t get me wrong, me and Dan have a blast talking about whats going on around us but there is no beating standing in a room with people you have known for ages reliving inside jokes for hours on end.
I have been taking an outside objective look at myself lately because I have noticed changes in who I am. It’s kind of like the same sensation you get when you look in the mirror after a long time of gradually losing weight to suddenly realize “oh hold up...something is different.”
I have become quicker on the draw when it comes to banter but that is superficial and the result of realizing that need after months and months of working on the streets of Manhattan interacting with it’s residence.
I feel my critical mind has become keener out of necessity, I have been faced with more instances of needing to be able to smell BS and dissect logic because of how it can be used to obfuscate here than I have ever been faced with in Illinois. I am more aware of what is important of what needs to be done than I used to be. My definition of “important” has changed a lot and the way I interact with people has become much, what I consider to be, safer.
I used to be able to read people right off the bat and I can still do that but now instead of relating to them and believing every piece of information they hand me about themselves I am able to step back and see what is really being said, what agenda if any is really being perpetrated. Most people I meet are well meaning, nice, harmless and not looking for the advantage. Make no mistake however, the danger you find here is rarely at the hands of a mugger or at the end of a blade, the danger here lies behind the eyes of a hustler.
I say that now being able to speak as one among the hustler ranks (according to the guys in Harlem I have sold tickets too). But all of this is basically to say that I still love it here. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I am more confident now than I ever have been, I’m more sure of myself and my passions, I’m more aware of what is best for me and I am less willing to compromise for my ultimate benefit.
You ride the subway, you go to work, you walk home you repeat and somewhere in there this city shows you not only who you really are but what you are capable of. It shows you what it will take to bring home the gold and it dares you to take it. The city stands like a centurion in front of your objective and beckons you to challenge it...and when you do you earn it’s respect. Once you realize that the beast you are fighting isn’t really the city but yourself, that it is just wearing a New York colored shield than you can embrace what this place has to offer.
But maybe I’m getting a bit over dramatic.
I love you all
KH-
What has happened this month indeed. Well, I was apart of a show called “Something Wicked” and as per usual in any performance I have been in I made some friends and met some really amazing people. It didn’t win any awards or anything, it didn’t get me paid but it was essentially an “off broadway” play in New York City and it was the first stage I have been on in New York that wasn’t an open mic so it was a mile marker if anything.
I am coming back to illinois in August to film another project Travis Legge is working on and I can not wait to see some old friends and be on a set under Travis’ direction and Tim Stotz’s keen eye again. I miss working with people I have known for years, I miss talking with people and working with people who understand my short hand and who’s short hand I understand. More importantly I miss being around a group of people that make me laugh harder than I ever have. Don’t get me wrong, me and Dan have a blast talking about whats going on around us but there is no beating standing in a room with people you have known for ages reliving inside jokes for hours on end.
I have been taking an outside objective look at myself lately because I have noticed changes in who I am. It’s kind of like the same sensation you get when you look in the mirror after a long time of gradually losing weight to suddenly realize “oh hold up...something is different.”
I have become quicker on the draw when it comes to banter but that is superficial and the result of realizing that need after months and months of working on the streets of Manhattan interacting with it’s residence.
I feel my critical mind has become keener out of necessity, I have been faced with more instances of needing to be able to smell BS and dissect logic because of how it can be used to obfuscate here than I have ever been faced with in Illinois. I am more aware of what is important of what needs to be done than I used to be. My definition of “important” has changed a lot and the way I interact with people has become much, what I consider to be, safer.
I used to be able to read people right off the bat and I can still do that but now instead of relating to them and believing every piece of information they hand me about themselves I am able to step back and see what is really being said, what agenda if any is really being perpetrated. Most people I meet are well meaning, nice, harmless and not looking for the advantage. Make no mistake however, the danger you find here is rarely at the hands of a mugger or at the end of a blade, the danger here lies behind the eyes of a hustler.
I say that now being able to speak as one among the hustler ranks (according to the guys in Harlem I have sold tickets too). But all of this is basically to say that I still love it here. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I am more confident now than I ever have been, I’m more sure of myself and my passions, I’m more aware of what is best for me and I am less willing to compromise for my ultimate benefit.
You ride the subway, you go to work, you walk home you repeat and somewhere in there this city shows you not only who you really are but what you are capable of. It shows you what it will take to bring home the gold and it dares you to take it. The city stands like a centurion in front of your objective and beckons you to challenge it...and when you do you earn it’s respect. Once you realize that the beast you are fighting isn’t really the city but yourself, that it is just wearing a New York colored shield than you can embrace what this place has to offer.
But maybe I’m getting a bit over dramatic.
I love you all
KH-
Sunday, April 3, 2011
New York Day 212 "Carry On My Wayward Son"
Things need to change.
I’ve hit a financial roadblock. I am having trouble selling for some reason and that is a problem. I have become totally isolated. The only person I see these days is my boss and it’s been hard to catch him in a decent mood which makes my days even more difficult. He isn’t lording over me or anything I am just very responsive to vibes, energies, I’m extremely empathetic basically and if I am hanging around him or anyone and he or anyone else is annoyed I am annoyed. My cash flow issue means I don’t have enough to get an unlimited metro card so I can zip around and see whoever I want. Instead I’ve had to spend 4.50 a day on one trip metro fare and use the rest of the money on silly things like food...
I’m starting to feel the isolation and it is starting to get to me. Today was a decent sales day though so I am hoping I have stumbled back into my niche. If I could do what my boss does and make 100 to 150 a day I would be fine...and that is my goal this month to start selling as much as he does. Because I need to stop this nonsense. I need to earn enough to get some stability again and I NEED to find enough money to go visit my girlfriend. She is graduating soon and I REALLY want to go to her graduation.
This isn’t a plea by the way, this is me updating you all...just so we are clear.
Aside from needing to sell more I am going to start looking for part time hourly work. My boss looks down on that because he figures if you can do this job you don’t need it but I”m done living on the wire I need some stability damn it. Sure, a lot of the time you can make the money selling but nothing is guaranteed in this job and I need some guarantees.
I’ve applied for a few hourly jobs that are writing gigs which are my pie in the sky hopes. Truthfully I will probably start filling out some restaurant apps. At least I’ll be on stage again soon. Something Wicked opens this month and while I only have a few lines and a pretty epic fight scene I’m just happy to be in some kind of production.
Keeping in the spirit of looking on the bright side, my recent financial straits has cut my smoking habit down to 3 or 4 cigarettes a day. I’ve been buying loosies (loose cigarettes) at the corner deli for .50 cents a piece and letting that get me through the day...and I kind of like it. Even when I do pull myself out of this (and I will) I think I might stick to that.
The real reason I’m pissed about having a dry bank is I haven’t been able to go to yoga which really burns me up. I was really starting to like it and seeing results, but it’s on the top of my lists to start doing again when I’m once again liquid.
That’s New York kids, the highs are intense, the lows are bleaker than bleak and you carry on. If you can make it here you can make it anywhere...they weren’t talking about show biz, they’re talking rent check my friends.
Things really do need to change but if there is anything about life here I love it's this; when I said things need to change in Belvidere I kept pining and working and nothing would be different, here if I try even a little bit my entire world can be turned upside down in a day or two.
I love you all
KH-
I’ve hit a financial roadblock. I am having trouble selling for some reason and that is a problem. I have become totally isolated. The only person I see these days is my boss and it’s been hard to catch him in a decent mood which makes my days even more difficult. He isn’t lording over me or anything I am just very responsive to vibes, energies, I’m extremely empathetic basically and if I am hanging around him or anyone and he or anyone else is annoyed I am annoyed. My cash flow issue means I don’t have enough to get an unlimited metro card so I can zip around and see whoever I want. Instead I’ve had to spend 4.50 a day on one trip metro fare and use the rest of the money on silly things like food...
I’m starting to feel the isolation and it is starting to get to me. Today was a decent sales day though so I am hoping I have stumbled back into my niche. If I could do what my boss does and make 100 to 150 a day I would be fine...and that is my goal this month to start selling as much as he does. Because I need to stop this nonsense. I need to earn enough to get some stability again and I NEED to find enough money to go visit my girlfriend. She is graduating soon and I REALLY want to go to her graduation.
This isn’t a plea by the way, this is me updating you all...just so we are clear.
Aside from needing to sell more I am going to start looking for part time hourly work. My boss looks down on that because he figures if you can do this job you don’t need it but I”m done living on the wire I need some stability damn it. Sure, a lot of the time you can make the money selling but nothing is guaranteed in this job and I need some guarantees.
I’ve applied for a few hourly jobs that are writing gigs which are my pie in the sky hopes. Truthfully I will probably start filling out some restaurant apps. At least I’ll be on stage again soon. Something Wicked opens this month and while I only have a few lines and a pretty epic fight scene I’m just happy to be in some kind of production.
Keeping in the spirit of looking on the bright side, my recent financial straits has cut my smoking habit down to 3 or 4 cigarettes a day. I’ve been buying loosies (loose cigarettes) at the corner deli for .50 cents a piece and letting that get me through the day...and I kind of like it. Even when I do pull myself out of this (and I will) I think I might stick to that.
The real reason I’m pissed about having a dry bank is I haven’t been able to go to yoga which really burns me up. I was really starting to like it and seeing results, but it’s on the top of my lists to start doing again when I’m once again liquid.
That’s New York kids, the highs are intense, the lows are bleaker than bleak and you carry on. If you can make it here you can make it anywhere...they weren’t talking about show biz, they’re talking rent check my friends.
Things really do need to change but if there is anything about life here I love it's this; when I said things need to change in Belvidere I kept pining and working and nothing would be different, here if I try even a little bit my entire world can be turned upside down in a day or two.
I love you all
KH-
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
New York Day 201 "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo"
HOLY CRAP I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY 7 MONTHS!!! and this is what I did on my two hundred and first day in the big apple.
Hippie thine name is Kyle.
Today was a very granola day. After some drudgery at work and no sales I went to yoga (early today thankfully) and had my ass kicked. I am making progress though, I am going longer and longer before I need to drop down into child’s pose and collect my breath. I am also slowly but surely holding the poses longer and longer which is amazing to me.
At Yoga For The People you aren’t guaranteed what teacher you will get, they try and avoid teachers gaining a following because yoga is supposed to be about you and your practice (or some bullshit like that) and the teacher I had today was phenomenal.
As a side note an observer someone getting there yoga certification I assume, said that I have “really great body awareness” I have some idea of what she means by that and it makes me happy.
After yoga I met my friend Ashley at SGI buddhist temple/whatever it is. She wanted to introduce me to the practice a bit since I showed interest. I am going to a meeting tomorrow that is more about explaining things but today I just went into the temple and listened to people chant.
After I listened and got some information on what they where chanting about I joined in. SGI practices what is called “Nichiren Buddhism” one of the main forms of practice being chanting of “Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo” Here is a link to some more in depth information on what that translates into and what it all means. I wont type it out if there is an existing explanation. I will tell you what I translate the practice into.
From what I can understand you are using this chant as a tool. You have a focal point (which is generally the Chinese characters of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo) and you chant as a way to search inside yourself. The phrase is essentially engaging the universe. From what I can tell this particular brand of Buddhism holds many of the same tenants I do. That we are in with and of the universe, that there is a binding organic force moving the wheels, an element that connects us all. I believe that element is both physical (being atoms and such) and spiritual in nature.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo is their way of engaging the universe and connecting to it. It is a form of motivation and a source of clarity. Some people call it praying because you are focusing on things you need and want from your life but really it is a kind of reprogramming or self fulfilling prophecies. You use this chant to channel your emotions and state of mind into a positive place, a place of action, a place of willingness to do what is needed to achieve your goals and the belief that those goals are attainable.
There are a number of other tenants to this I am looking into. I am not swallowing this whole I have a lot of digging to do and already I need clarifying on certain things I’m reading and intend to seek out that clarification. But if you take the chant and the motivation behind that chant alone, I approve more than that I think I can get behind that kind of mindset.
That’s about it for now.
I love you all
KH-
Hippie thine name is Kyle.
Today was a very granola day. After some drudgery at work and no sales I went to yoga (early today thankfully) and had my ass kicked. I am making progress though, I am going longer and longer before I need to drop down into child’s pose and collect my breath. I am also slowly but surely holding the poses longer and longer which is amazing to me.
At Yoga For The People you aren’t guaranteed what teacher you will get, they try and avoid teachers gaining a following because yoga is supposed to be about you and your practice (or some bullshit like that) and the teacher I had today was phenomenal.
As a side note an observer someone getting there yoga certification I assume, said that I have “really great body awareness” I have some idea of what she means by that and it makes me happy.
After yoga I met my friend Ashley at SGI buddhist temple/whatever it is. She wanted to introduce me to the practice a bit since I showed interest. I am going to a meeting tomorrow that is more about explaining things but today I just went into the temple and listened to people chant.
After I listened and got some information on what they where chanting about I joined in. SGI practices what is called “Nichiren Buddhism” one of the main forms of practice being chanting of “Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo” Here is a link to some more in depth information on what that translates into and what it all means. I wont type it out if there is an existing explanation. I will tell you what I translate the practice into.
From what I can understand you are using this chant as a tool. You have a focal point (which is generally the Chinese characters of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo) and you chant as a way to search inside yourself. The phrase is essentially engaging the universe. From what I can tell this particular brand of Buddhism holds many of the same tenants I do. That we are in with and of the universe, that there is a binding organic force moving the wheels, an element that connects us all. I believe that element is both physical (being atoms and such) and spiritual in nature.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo is their way of engaging the universe and connecting to it. It is a form of motivation and a source of clarity. Some people call it praying because you are focusing on things you need and want from your life but really it is a kind of reprogramming or self fulfilling prophecies. You use this chant to channel your emotions and state of mind into a positive place, a place of action, a place of willingness to do what is needed to achieve your goals and the belief that those goals are attainable.
There are a number of other tenants to this I am looking into. I am not swallowing this whole I have a lot of digging to do and already I need clarifying on certain things I’m reading and intend to seek out that clarification. But if you take the chant and the motivation behind that chant alone, I approve more than that I think I can get behind that kind of mindset.
That’s about it for now.
I love you all
KH-
Sunday, March 20, 2011
New York Day 198 "A Rush Of Blood"
“A Rush Of Blood”
So much going on I don’t even know where to start. Did I mention yet I’m in a play called “Something Wicked”? It’s a modern day adaptation of Macbeth I play Murderer 1. It isn’t a grammy winning role or anything but I get to rough up an English girl and look scary which is pretty much what I do best.
I got another short paying gig. The director of Something Wicked is also a film student and I got 10 dollars an hour to be in his short film. I also was cast as “Chef Randy” in an upcoming web sitcom called “Doc and Marty’s”
It’s about 2 managers who run a Back To The Future themed restaurant. Filming for the pilot (which I’m not in) starts in a couple weeks. Episode 2 has a few chef Randy features in it that I’m looking forward to.
Summer is coming which means sales are getting better...I’m still running scared with the money thing but things are looking like it is going to be feast instead of famine again in a couple weeks.
I started going to yoga. There is a place called “Yoga For The People” in the East Village that hosts yoga sessions for donations and it has been amazing. Not only is my body getting it’s ass kicked but you would be surprised what yoga does for ones mental well being. Regular work outs have nothing on this stuff.
Put aside the fact that it constricts and releases arteries to provide a full arterial flush and cleans out my system but focusing my breathing and being lead in some light mediation has really opened some doors to me.
I’ve been more present for my own life which has been an issue recently. I think I’m becoming a little dependent because I haven’t been to yoga in a couple days and already I’m starting to feel a little disconnected again.
I’v even started to make some emotional break throughs that I have really been looking for in direct response to the yoga. The other day I was riding the train home from the session and I almost started to break down on the train when I realized the core issue of my denial about mom.
I have accepted the fact that mom is gone and that is the reality of my life now, I have embraced reality so as to go on living a normal life. I have said to myself I will be okay and it’s going to be okay. I have never said and believed, really believed that it’s okay that mom is dead.
I’ve never accepted the possibility that the fact that she is gone is okay...it isn’t good by any means but it’s okay...I don’t know if that makes sense. What I mean to say is that it is the natural order of things, people come and people go and that is okay...it’s not something anyone likes but it is what it is. That isn’t something I’m willing to accept just yet but at least I know where I’m trying to go now. Before that I had no idea what exiting my denial and acceptance looked like.
Life in the city continues to surprise and delight me. Adventures, new friends, hardships to keep it interesting, self discovery and not to mention .75 cent mini custard pies and 4 for 6 veggie dumplings in china town (a new discovery) and dollar pizza.(an old stand by)
I should probably mention China town. I saw the middle of China town for the first time really a couple days ago. It was kind of awesome. Like I said I stumbled on a bakery that sold little custard pies and chocolate rum balls for 75 cents. I also discovered veggie dumplings...they are pot stickers but with veggies instead of pork...and they are amazing.
The entire place felt exactly like what it was. It felt like an entire culture and country setting up shop in a foreign land. You could see the authentic Chinese market amidst all the Americanization. Cheap fruit, nick nack shops, everything with Chinese lettering on it...it was really surreal and I kept waiting to find someplace I could buy a mogwai...
(kudos to anyone who got the reference)
I love you all
KH-
So much going on I don’t even know where to start. Did I mention yet I’m in a play called “Something Wicked”? It’s a modern day adaptation of Macbeth I play Murderer 1. It isn’t a grammy winning role or anything but I get to rough up an English girl and look scary which is pretty much what I do best.
I got another short paying gig. The director of Something Wicked is also a film student and I got 10 dollars an hour to be in his short film. I also was cast as “Chef Randy” in an upcoming web sitcom called “Doc and Marty’s”
It’s about 2 managers who run a Back To The Future themed restaurant. Filming for the pilot (which I’m not in) starts in a couple weeks. Episode 2 has a few chef Randy features in it that I’m looking forward to.
Summer is coming which means sales are getting better...I’m still running scared with the money thing but things are looking like it is going to be feast instead of famine again in a couple weeks.
I started going to yoga. There is a place called “Yoga For The People” in the East Village that hosts yoga sessions for donations and it has been amazing. Not only is my body getting it’s ass kicked but you would be surprised what yoga does for ones mental well being. Regular work outs have nothing on this stuff.
Put aside the fact that it constricts and releases arteries to provide a full arterial flush and cleans out my system but focusing my breathing and being lead in some light mediation has really opened some doors to me.
I’ve been more present for my own life which has been an issue recently. I think I’m becoming a little dependent because I haven’t been to yoga in a couple days and already I’m starting to feel a little disconnected again.
I’v even started to make some emotional break throughs that I have really been looking for in direct response to the yoga. The other day I was riding the train home from the session and I almost started to break down on the train when I realized the core issue of my denial about mom.
I have accepted the fact that mom is gone and that is the reality of my life now, I have embraced reality so as to go on living a normal life. I have said to myself I will be okay and it’s going to be okay. I have never said and believed, really believed that it’s okay that mom is dead.
I’ve never accepted the possibility that the fact that she is gone is okay...it isn’t good by any means but it’s okay...I don’t know if that makes sense. What I mean to say is that it is the natural order of things, people come and people go and that is okay...it’s not something anyone likes but it is what it is. That isn’t something I’m willing to accept just yet but at least I know where I’m trying to go now. Before that I had no idea what exiting my denial and acceptance looked like.
Life in the city continues to surprise and delight me. Adventures, new friends, hardships to keep it interesting, self discovery and not to mention .75 cent mini custard pies and 4 for 6 veggie dumplings in china town (a new discovery) and dollar pizza.(an old stand by)
I should probably mention China town. I saw the middle of China town for the first time really a couple days ago. It was kind of awesome. Like I said I stumbled on a bakery that sold little custard pies and chocolate rum balls for 75 cents. I also discovered veggie dumplings...they are pot stickers but with veggies instead of pork...and they are amazing.
The entire place felt exactly like what it was. It felt like an entire culture and country setting up shop in a foreign land. You could see the authentic Chinese market amidst all the Americanization. Cheap fruit, nick nack shops, everything with Chinese lettering on it...it was really surreal and I kept waiting to find someplace I could buy a mogwai...
(kudos to anyone who got the reference)
I love you all
KH-
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
New York Day 169 "I'm A Leaf On The Wind"
I took a trip to Illinois last week for the premier of Raymond Did It. Over 300 hundred people in a packed theatre accompanied by my father, My Aunt Robin my Uncle Jamie, my Uncle John and of course my woman. 300 plus people being genuinely entertained by the year of work me and my friends put in, 300 plus people some watching through the lens of friendship some watching through objectivity all enjoying themselves. Every time I hear a holler or a laugh or a gasp my heart races my face flushes and I feel so blessed that my passion can play some small role in other people’s enjoyment.
I learned something that night, that I am not in this for the popularity. All the attention I received that night was nice but it made me a little uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to respond when someone patted me on the back and said good job, I didn’t know how to respond when someone gushed about what I did and that may be because I know just how hard other people worked to get this done, harder than me for certain.
I also think it’s because large amounts of personal attention have never really sat well with me, I just have a hard time knowing what to do in that situation. Acting isn’t an exercise in ego for me it’s becoming the embodiment of a character and the facilitator of a message...that is what gets my heart pounding and my adrenal glands whistling, that is why I do this.
People have been asking me why I have been so quiet lately. New York is ever changing and forever standing still, it will always be a fast paced, exciting rat race, a fight for survival and an opportunity for experience. Some weeks that may mean I have so much to say that I just can’t contain it and some weeks that may mean I have to retreat into myself, that I have to regroup and allow my self to become reclusive.
I am still a walking petri dish of emotions and subconscious baggage and lately that has been manifesting in the form of lethargy and discontent and that doesn’t lend it’s self to good writing.
As for my living situation I am back on the wire, I had some cash flow issues, it’s a long story that I don’t want to get into but the gist of it is I’ve been juggling a few things around to maintain the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed too...which is still poverty but the kind of poverty that allows for a bed and heating.
I have thrown down the gauntlet on my acting and writing careers. I decided that I am going to go down some roads less traveled because the traffic I’m getting on the beaten path is hindering productivity. I joined a meet up group that does live performances now and again that offer “moderate pay”, I’ve applied for a few journalism internships and have started writing a few projects I plan on getting produced myself.
Forget these casting websites they are doing nothing for me, forget begging for management with a small resume, forget networking with other actors who’s honest plan seems to be getting discovered at Mcdonalds it’s time I started writing my own book...metaphorically and literally.
I took everyone’s advice as a launching pad but thus far that has brought me to the city and given me a very rough idea of how things work...I have to do the rest from there.
I love you all
KH-
I learned something that night, that I am not in this for the popularity. All the attention I received that night was nice but it made me a little uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to respond when someone patted me on the back and said good job, I didn’t know how to respond when someone gushed about what I did and that may be because I know just how hard other people worked to get this done, harder than me for certain.
I also think it’s because large amounts of personal attention have never really sat well with me, I just have a hard time knowing what to do in that situation. Acting isn’t an exercise in ego for me it’s becoming the embodiment of a character and the facilitator of a message...that is what gets my heart pounding and my adrenal glands whistling, that is why I do this.
People have been asking me why I have been so quiet lately. New York is ever changing and forever standing still, it will always be a fast paced, exciting rat race, a fight for survival and an opportunity for experience. Some weeks that may mean I have so much to say that I just can’t contain it and some weeks that may mean I have to retreat into myself, that I have to regroup and allow my self to become reclusive.
I am still a walking petri dish of emotions and subconscious baggage and lately that has been manifesting in the form of lethargy and discontent and that doesn’t lend it’s self to good writing.
As for my living situation I am back on the wire, I had some cash flow issues, it’s a long story that I don’t want to get into but the gist of it is I’ve been juggling a few things around to maintain the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed too...which is still poverty but the kind of poverty that allows for a bed and heating.
I have thrown down the gauntlet on my acting and writing careers. I decided that I am going to go down some roads less traveled because the traffic I’m getting on the beaten path is hindering productivity. I joined a meet up group that does live performances now and again that offer “moderate pay”, I’ve applied for a few journalism internships and have started writing a few projects I plan on getting produced myself.
Forget these casting websites they are doing nothing for me, forget begging for management with a small resume, forget networking with other actors who’s honest plan seems to be getting discovered at Mcdonalds it’s time I started writing my own book...metaphorically and literally.
I took everyone’s advice as a launching pad but thus far that has brought me to the city and given me a very rough idea of how things work...I have to do the rest from there.
I love you all
KH-
Monday, February 7, 2011
New York Day 154 “Hibernation”
A lot has happened in the last month, sorry I haven’t been keeping you updated but I’ve been fairly anti social. Like I said, winter does this to me. The biggest piece of news is that we had a critics screening for the premiere a while back. It was a pretty fantastic night. We had some drinks, enjoyed some company and I got to enjoy the fruits of my labor for a night. With the exception of a 15 minute hickup with the DVD player (which felt like an hour) where I mainlined whiskey the entire time everything went smoothly. Next week is the world premiere.
I’m coming back to Rockford for the premiere but I probably wont see anyone unless you are actually at the premiere because I’m not coming back for long and I’ll be spending time with the lady.
Work has slowed to an almost complete halt. Winter is terrible for ticket sales it really is. I’m scraping by though. I feel that perhaps the novelty of me being here has worn off and that’s why I haven’t really updated because at this point all I’m doing seems day to day normal to me where as a few months ago every single day was a New York adventure. I still absolutely love it here but now I love it as a natural habitat as opposed to a country boy falling in love with the novelty of a big city.
I have a room now officially. I was sleeping on a couch but now I have my privacy back which has been a breath of fresh air.
I’m scared to go home to tell you the truth. I’ve been having a lot of dreams with mom in them and usually when I wake up I just convince myself that the feeling of her still being here is true. I choose to delude myself into believing she is still alive and when I go home the reality will be too visible to ignore.
Tomorrow marks 4 months since she passed...I knew I wouldn’t be okay this early but I think I thought I wouldn’t be this messed up. I’m having trouble figuring out who I am now after this, I’m having trouble adjusting and I’m having trouble not letting my inner turmoil not affect my life and my interactions with the people I love.
I guess thats all I got for now...see you all on the 11th!
I love you all
KH-
I’m coming back to Rockford for the premiere but I probably wont see anyone unless you are actually at the premiere because I’m not coming back for long and I’ll be spending time with the lady.
Work has slowed to an almost complete halt. Winter is terrible for ticket sales it really is. I’m scraping by though. I feel that perhaps the novelty of me being here has worn off and that’s why I haven’t really updated because at this point all I’m doing seems day to day normal to me where as a few months ago every single day was a New York adventure. I still absolutely love it here but now I love it as a natural habitat as opposed to a country boy falling in love with the novelty of a big city.
I have a room now officially. I was sleeping on a couch but now I have my privacy back which has been a breath of fresh air.
I’m scared to go home to tell you the truth. I’ve been having a lot of dreams with mom in them and usually when I wake up I just convince myself that the feeling of her still being here is true. I choose to delude myself into believing she is still alive and when I go home the reality will be too visible to ignore.
Tomorrow marks 4 months since she passed...I knew I wouldn’t be okay this early but I think I thought I wouldn’t be this messed up. I’m having trouble figuring out who I am now after this, I’m having trouble adjusting and I’m having trouble not letting my inner turmoil not affect my life and my interactions with the people I love.
I guess thats all I got for now...see you all on the 11th!
I love you all
KH-
Saturday, January 8, 2011
New York Day 125 “The Highlights”
I saw Tron with my friends Dan and Mike (excellent by the way), than we hung out in the village and got a little toasty and had an all around great day.
Then there was the blizzard. I was working when the snow started and enjoying a drink when it was getting really nasty. Finally when I was ready to leave not only was the snow not done falling but not an inch of it had been plowed. As a result of this spectacular failure in city response I had to do some creative navigating to get home.
I found a train still running into
“Hi officer, two questions, one what is the best way to get to
I let them take care of my light weight and found a train that stopped three blocks from my apartment. Now this normally wouldn’t be much of a walk but as I said before, no plows had come and this snow was about up to my thigh. By the by, I’m six foot four inches in case you forgot…the snow came up to MY thigh.
When I had gotten home I felt like Homer returning to my shores. Than I sat in my apartment for two days waiting for the ice age to melt over.
New years came and went. My friend Alex came in town to visit which was awesome and always therapeutic. I went to my first rave and ALMOST got into my first fight with a raving hipster. Nothing big he was just pushing into me so he could dance with my friend who I was guarding against unwanted advances for her boyfriend…pretty boy on the wrong side of town almost got swung at. Lucky for him I’m a gentle giant.
How do I know this was on the wrong side of town? Because the first twenty seconds I was in there I saw the door woman punch some girl in the face and I was frisked. Aside from both of those incidents it was a generally awesome and danger free time.
That should bring us up to speed. Until this morning I was broke as all hell again. Drama at work has been putting a choker hold on my finances. Dad sent me a bit of mom’s life insurance money and now I have enough to give my roommates for a deposit and first and last month’s rent when the third roommate finally moves out.
I have some ideas about my future career that I am keeping on the down low for now. I can tell you that I’m getting new headshots, printing out resumes, paying off some debts and signing up for some auditioning websites again.
Shit is about to get real again, I have at least a couple months where simply feeding myself doesn’t have to be my one and only concern so lets see how this all plays out.
Sorry for the late response, I can’t promise it wont happen again. Winter, no matter where I am, tends to bring out the lazy morose side of me, I’ll do my best to curb that instinct however.
I love you all
KH-
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