253 New York Day 365 “Year of the Tiger In The Concrete Jungle”

So here it is, 1 year in the big apple and holy hell has it been a trip. “These streets will make you feel brand new, bright lights will inspire you, let’s hear it for New York.” Yes...lets, but Alicia you left out the part where this city will also ride you hard and put you away wet.

Don’t mistake my tone for complaining, I’m just saying people who come here expecting not to get eaten alive are kidding themselves. This has been the single most enlightening, heart breaking, exciting, educational experience of my 24 years on this planet.

I have been a sucker and a con man, I’ve been an emperor and a drifter, I have been a king and the court jester and I have lived more in 365 days than most people do in 5 years. I haven’t achieved any grand ideals of stage or film, but at the end of the day that doesn’t really matter.

I have learned what it means to make things happen. Going from living on bread and water to dining out nightly and back again is the karmic equivalent of a masters program and I am grateful for it.

At the moment however I am faced with one haunting question. “Is it worth it?” I have sacrificed so much to be here, given up so much to pursue a dream that to all outside observers seems like chasing the wind.

I have had to put even that aside just to keep my head above water. Every day is an endless struggle and for what exactly? It’s hard to keep site of your goals when you are dealing with a broken heart. All I have wanted these past few weeks is to run home and cry to momma so to speak.

But if she were here she would be telling me how proud she is of the strength I’ve shown in staying and that I should continue marching forward.

I still look around at this beautiful city of mine and take it all in, I’m still awe stricken that I live here, that this is the place I call home. I am still proud that I have carved my way out of stone here. I am proud of the lessons I have learned and of the man I am becoming because of what this place and the people here have taught me.

I am proud of the decisions I have made and I am proud of the character those decisions have given me. I know so much more about myself now. I know that if I narrow my gaze and embrace the pain of my decisions I will come out of it with either the end goal I had started with or with an outcome that is above all else positive.

I’m proud of who I am and this city is a big part of that.

I came here a lost boy to either find myself or to get more lost and some how I have accomplished both.

This blog is kind of a mixed bag but so is this city so I guess it’s fitting.

Synopsis? I came here with awe of what the city had to offer...I still have that awe but I also have much different eyes to see the world with and I think that kind of change only comes with hardship, and I’m happy with these new eyes.

I love you all

KH-