Productivity, stability and serendipity. Those are the words that can best describe my life since the last time I updated you. In a strange turn of events my life has kind of come together. The evil troll known as hogell moved out (not without causing some physical damage to the apartment first of course) and I moved my things in.
The rhythm of the universe has finally caught up with me and one thing after another keeps falling into my lap. I found a job passing out flyers that kept my head above water just long enough to land myself a doorman job and a job at Godiva.
I was actually recruited for both jobs while either selling or promoting on the street. Apart from the practical, my life, my ego, my sense of self and well being have all been finding a kind of harmony. October came and went and I survived it, more than that I thrived.
I fully expected a heart wrenching month, the 1 year anniversary of my mothers death and the single most devastating moment of my life and it wasn’t impossible to get through. Tears happened but they were good tears. They were tears of healing and catharsis, they were tears of acceptance and understanding, they were the kind of tears that baptize you and bring a sense of emotional and spiritual salvation.
I am not one to believe that one “sticks around” after their passing but this October I felt the presence of my mother and it was palatable and I knew that while the pain will follow me for the rest of my life it serves no one for me to bare it like a cross. This is a pain that becomes apart of your skin and my mother’s memory is not honored by me cutting into this wound again and again in an effort to “not forget her”.
This acceptance and growth wouldn’t have even been fathomable without the friends I’ve made here. It’s like I just woke up one day to find that I had cultivated my very own NYC family. I have a real, honest to goodness home with a circle of people that honestly love me. This journey has made me a new person, I’m still figuring it out and I’m still in the middle of a metamorphosis but as of right now, for the first time in what feels like the past four years I have a moment to take a deep breath.
“But Kyle what about the reason you went to New York in the first place?” Yeah I know, all my posts have almost nothing to do with my acting or writing career. Well this year I guess I just needed to become the kind of man that could legitimately chase this dream. I had the ambition but not the tools.
Now I feel I have both. I am not auditioning, I have decided I will not be happy with the show unless I’m running it; so I have written a 20 min short that I plan on producing before the end of the year. I’m going to start fund raising for it in the next month so keep an eye out for that.
This project will serve as my acting, directing, writing, editing and production portfolio and with any luck it will bring me work I can really sink my teeth into. But I know I wont be sated by just making shorts and features and putting myself in them. This dream just got bigger and hopefully with the help from some talented friends both from good ol’ Rockford and from NYC I can put together a production company that is a resource not only for our own projects but something that is a resource for all kinds of filmmakers.
I feel like I finally have the know how, the ambition and the faith to get this done. All I needed was a few years of hell and a moment of clarity to make me see it all.
In short?...sup life
I love you all
KH-
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