253 New York Day 365 “Year of the Tiger In The Concrete Jungle”

So here it is, 1 year in the big apple and holy hell has it been a trip. “These streets will make you feel brand new, bright lights will inspire you, let’s hear it for New York.” Yes...lets, but Alicia you left out the part where this city will also ride you hard and put you away wet.

Don’t mistake my tone for complaining, I’m just saying people who come here expecting not to get eaten alive are kidding themselves. This has been the single most enlightening, heart breaking, exciting, educational experience of my 24 years on this planet.

I have been a sucker and a con man, I’ve been an emperor and a drifter, I have been a king and the court jester and I have lived more in 365 days than most people do in 5 years. I haven’t achieved any grand ideals of stage or film, but at the end of the day that doesn’t really matter.

I have learned what it means to make things happen. Going from living on bread and water to dining out nightly and back again is the karmic equivalent of a masters program and I am grateful for it.

At the moment however I am faced with one haunting question. “Is it worth it?” I have sacrificed so much to be here, given up so much to pursue a dream that to all outside observers seems like chasing the wind.

I have had to put even that aside just to keep my head above water. Every day is an endless struggle and for what exactly? It’s hard to keep site of your goals when you are dealing with a broken heart. All I have wanted these past few weeks is to run home and cry to momma so to speak.

But if she were here she would be telling me how proud she is of the strength I’ve shown in staying and that I should continue marching forward.

I still look around at this beautiful city of mine and take it all in, I’m still awe stricken that I live here, that this is the place I call home. I am still proud that I have carved my way out of stone here. I am proud of the lessons I have learned and of the man I am becoming because of what this place and the people here have taught me.

I am proud of the decisions I have made and I am proud of the character those decisions have given me. I know so much more about myself now. I know that if I narrow my gaze and embrace the pain of my decisions I will come out of it with either the end goal I had started with or with an outcome that is above all else positive.

I’m proud of who I am and this city is a big part of that.

I came here a lost boy to either find myself or to get more lost and some how I have accomplished both.

This blog is kind of a mixed bag but so is this city so I guess it’s fitting.

Synopsis? I came here with awe of what the city had to offer...I still have that awe but I also have much different eyes to see the world with and I think that kind of change only comes with hardship, and I’m happy with these new eyes.

I love you all

KH-

New York Day 355 "here we are again"

Haven’t done this in a while. Sat down to the key board, put on some tunes and wrote. It’s one of many things I’m hoping to introduce to my life again. I have been so overwhelmed I haven’t been able to even consider putting the proverbial pen to paper in what feels like months.

I’m not going to go into details, mainly because of how painful those details are, but at the moment I am drifting again. Luckily I have the resources this time around that I have a definite end date in site.

The short story is that I was going to move, those moving plans fell through but not before my roommates took a security deposit from someone intending to take over what was supposed to be my vacancy. Shortly after that my friend Reagan expressed a need for a roommate and while my moving situation was FUBAR acts of extreme gratitude and maturity allowed me the resources to take over Reagan’s soon to be vacant room. So now I am in a living situation limbo until the old roomie moves out.

I don’t mind it terribly actually...at this moment I kind of like being a leaf on the wind. I think that’s just because the hardships of drifting make you appreciate everything. My friend Cara is staying with her man tonight and has allowed me her room which has a real, honest to goodness bed...I’ve been sleeping on a futon for 8 months so this is heavenly. It’s moments like this, solitude and privacy when you are used to exposure, comfort when you are used to compromise, safety when you are used to uncertainty that just makes everything worth it.

On top of that I am in the process of shifting my career focus. I had been putting so much of my time, effort and energy into a project that I believed in but ultimately wasn’t something that suited me. Thankfully my boss and friend Dan is understanding enough to continue to offer me enough work that could potentially pay my bills while I also try to find a second job and focus finally on acting.

There are other things happening that are a bit more traumatic but nothing I want to air out in public. Lets just leave it at this, this has been and intensely stressful few months...actually when I think about it it’s been that this entire year.

The choices I have made, the roads I have chosen to travel have led me through some of the most painful and stressful situations I have ever encountered and if pressed I would say I don’t really believe things will ever get this insane for me again, because well, not to tempt fate but how could they?

Aside from that though I have grown more, learned more about life and myself, and experienced more life in the past year than I think I have in the previous 23. When I moved here my mother said “I just want you to have life experiences” well mom...your welcome.

I am looking on the horizon of my life and I don’t know where it is going and at the moment I am devastated over missing pieces...huge chunks in my life that should be there but aren’t, but logistically I am seeing things come together that (I say with bated breath) seem to offer a sense of security and normalcy finally. Now lets see if I can finally making some headway in the goals I came out here to achieve.

In about 10 days it will be 1 year since I made the trip...I guess I’ll talk to you again than.


I love you all...especially you....you know who you are and I miss you.

KH-