::This blog entry contains adult language::
I'm updating you early because I wont have time tomorrow to do that. My day was incredibly unproductive but it did give me a lot of time to think. I went to the DMV to get my non drivers ID for my security license. First I went to the DMV on 8th ave only to be told that for what I need, because I never had an NYS ID before I needed to go to the DMV on 6th. I walk my happy self over there, catching up with travis on the phone as I walk, get to the floor the DMV is on and strap in for a long day of waiting.
The DMV office is pretty much what you would expect it to be, white with that awful puke green in a solid stripe around all the pillars and bordering the walls. I stand in a line that seems to be uncharacteristically long for what it is for. When I see a line this long I assume it's for a roller coaster, a bar, a sold out concert...a blow job contest...something...anything more interesting or fun than to get some personal identification.
I stand in this line for almost 3 and a half hours only to be told that I don't have enough ID to get an ID. I need my original birth certificate as well as something other than my drivers license and social security card for me to prove it's me. I walk out discouraged, and start wandering aimlessly just to collect myself. I have to sit down eventually, I had been standing for so long and than the walking married to the fact that I had a muffin for breakfast 9 hours prior and that was the extent of my food intake for the day just left me exhausted. After a short rest and a moral boosting talk with Alex it was time to walk back over to the temp agency I went to before.
I renew my application I fill out the hiring packet and they tell me to sit and wait because they will have work for me today. I sit and wait for another 3 hours and no work...at all. I could have been finding work for myself, setting up interviews, dropping of resumes in that time...I would have been livid were it not for meeting a guy who seemed fairly nice. While I was waiting I called a security office about a job and they gave me an interview but told me I would have to pay 100 for my 16 hour training (I only have the 8 hour). I told this to the guy I was making friends with and he tells me "Yeah I used to work at that office they sell security training...they told you a hundred but when you get there they will rack up fees and processing charges and it will be more like 200, bet they promised you a desk job checking people in and out huh? yeah I know that speech and you get those jobs but not often."
Well thank you kind stranger...I didn't have the hundred anyway. I walked out of that temp agency once again feeling lost, angry, scared. I call Lauren as I try and regroup and figure out my next move. My spirits lifted a bit after that conversation but I still needed my woosah moment, a calming of the spirit. I get myself a slice of veggie pizza because holy hell I need some food in me. Right next to the Madison Square Garden there is a Borders and I know I can always find solace there. I am walking through these isles reading covers and titles when really all i want to do is teleport to my old bed just for a couple hours, for a nap in a familiar place with familiar things.
There are some times where a boy just needs his Mother, so I gave her a call. After having her offer me some perspective, and after i was done squeezing out some tears like a little girl I had to let her go. I sat on the steps of the Garden for a few minutes when it hit me, like a sack of bricks I realized something, I had a revelation. Yes I am tired, I am lonely, I am homesick, yes I am scared about the future...but I'm Kyle Fucking Hoskins.
I get scared and I soldier on, I get tired and I regroup, I get lonely and I make some new friends and call old ones if I have to, I get homesick I wander into a borders and remember Rockford. I did all of these things today because that is what I do...how on earth could I have forgotten that I am Kyle Fucking Hoskins a BAMF from Illinois with a dream on his back and a give em hell attitude?
I sucked up the snot I had been sniffling, let my eyes dry, bought a pouch of drum tobacco (screw you I earned it) rolled a cigarette, lit it up and walked to Jessica's for some more of my things with the re realized knowledge that I get shit done...it's what I do. If I need to cry I'm man enough to do it but I don't ever forget that failure isn't a word I recognize, it isn't an option and it is a non possibility.
Tonight I revamp my resume for service industry work. Tomorrow I go door to door, restaurant to restaurant, at least ten till I get an interview. I do the same thing every day till I get a steady job again. I sell some blood if I have to, I make my money stretch, I make it work. I'm Kyle Fucking Hoskins and I'm Dream Catching in New York City and I should never...ever forget that.
KH-
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