I wish I could type here that I was involved in some wild evening or some kind of uniquely New York adventure but that wasn’t the case today. Today was a blind panic of craigslist hunting and praying for opportunity. I was in my head all day freaking out, visions of living on the street tired and hungry, I went out to get a bite to eat and walked past a guy sleeping in a door jam and it sent a shiver up my spine.
That wouldn’t happen of course, because I have family who love me so I would just end up back in Rockford. But stepping off the plane in O’Hare with no more than I left with, head hung in shame at my failed endeavors, having to face all the people I said good bye to with empty hands and an empty heart…the door jam is starting to sound a lot cozier.
I just have to hope and pray that I get a job which shouldn’t be too terribly difficult. I have security certification class tomorrow and a possible bouncing job after that, it isn’t much but it’s a start and I have to hope that I can wrangle something that can get me into an apartment sooner rather than later. I am welcome in the space I am occupying but I don’t want to take advantage.
My goal is I am out of here or at least have arrangements to be out of here by the end of the week…I want to be on my own and if I can’t do this, if I can’t accomplish something as simple as renting an apartment and getting a job to sustain that apartment than I might as well give up the acting dream all together….or becoming any kind of useful member of society for that matter.
There is an internal monologue going inside me every second of every day that I am holding on to for dear life. “I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.” And god damn it I can I just have to man up and do it and trust that the leap I made by coming here will continue to prove its self the right move.
Spoiler: I am writing this on day 13 and things do take a positive turn I just don’t want to mess with the flow of this blog so look forward to good news tomorrow.
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