Dream Catching and Self Awareness.

Over the past few weeks I have realized a few things. I have forgotten a lot of the things that made me interesting in the past and more then a few things that made me happy. I have been rediscovering music, politics, and idealism.

What I forgot about myself is that I am an idealist with endless potential. I get things done and when shit hits the fan I hit the ground running. I guess New York has a way of making you feel like a drop in the bucket.

When I came here I fully intended on grabbing my dream with both hands. When I was a kid I intended to change the world. Now what do I intend on doing? A few months ago my aspirations including making rent, eating right, and losing some weight maybe. Now I feel the fire of inspiration coursing through my veins.

I am not satisfied with losing “some weight” I must become a physical specimen. I am not satisfied with making rent I must win the game as much as a game such as this can be won. I am not content with just “chasing my dream” I must inform the national conversation and redefine the plot of our generation or possibly the generation behind me...

I don’t give a goddamn if any of this is plausible I just know it is what I’m going to do. I have to ask myself, where this second wind has come from? If i’m honest with myself I would say it’s a combination of a long resting period after a 4 year stretch of turmoil and a network of friends who are equally and possibly more idealistic then I am.

I’ve given up on what New York has to tell me about success because as much stupid quixotic soap boxing you’ll find here you will find even more nay sayers telling you how you should do things and how all your choices till now have been wrong. No one can tell you how to do things your way.

SO all of that being said this is my new goal/playbook. I will become as physically fit as I can without sacrificing my artistic endeavors. I will sell my writing to the highest bider. I will not low ball myself. I will at most redefine the plot of my generation through writing and film making and at the least be heard and spark a conversation that engages hearts and minds. I will not live in a way that betrays my potential.

Hop on for the ride or stand back and watch but this train is leaving the station. I thought leaving for New York was the start of the story but I had absolutely no idea...

I love you all.

KH-

P.S. help those goals come true, donate to Dry Spell :)


http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/216634181/dry-spell-a-feature-length-romcom-starring-suzi-lo

50 Shades Of Stop...Just Stop...

I haven’t talked about it yet but after a recent job posting I was sent I can’t seem to help myself. I applied for a freelance writing position working on a “how to guide” for BDSM beginners. One of the requirements for this position was to have read “all the books of the 50 Shades Of Grey series”. I didn’t ask them how I was expected to read two books that haven’t been published yet.

You can expect to see a lot of this in the coming months. Movies, episodes of your favorite TV show, books, magazine articles, they will all be trying to cash in on the BDSM cash cow that is the adapted Twilight fan fiction (no bull shit it really started that way) ’50 Shades Of Grey’. But this isn’t anything new, if something sells you can expect to have it exploited. The BDSM community can expect a nice, bright, annoying spot light shined on it, looking to both demonize and romanticize the entire culture.

Keeping this in mind I feel like I need to get some things off my chest and educate my very small readership (consisting entirely of my friends and family) on why this dribble getting sales is so irksome to me. 

My biggest protest is that it is terrible writing, but it is twilight fan fiction so I don’t know what I expected, it is also erotica which tells you a lot right there. I can already hear my closeted “girl porn” readers ( you know who you are) protesting. There is very fine, well written erotica out there; but come on guys you know as well as I do, those are the exceptions not the rules. 

It has also gotten a lot of flack for not portraying BDSM in the proper light. I’ll confess that I have read just enough of the book and just enough of a summary of the book to have an opinion but I didn’t get very far it was so painful to read. Keeping my possibly ill-informed opinion in mind, from what I understand contracts were drawn up between the two characters which seems on the level to me. Apart from that though I agree with 50 Shades supporters in saying “hey...it is fantasy.” 90% of safety in BDSM is common sense, if your dumb ass gets hurt because you didn’t discuss what you are doing with your partner or because you didn’t demand a discussion with your partner then I chalk that up to the vital thinning of the herd.

I think the fact that this freelance job exists is a positive step, I think if people want to play in this world then they should know what that means and apparently there is a growing need for that. Ultimately I am upset that this one little piece of shitty writing is coloring an entire subculture that has existed since we first discovered rope. I’m upset that there are droves of people looking at this book as a how to guide and I’m pissed at the inevitable backlash on a safe and private community because a few idiots picked up a dirty book and said “this looks fun” and jumped right in without looking first.

I don’t know anyone in the scene that is open about their proclivities but one thing I have learned is no book is it’s cover and a lot of my friends could very possibly be curious but scared to ask. So this is me coming out of the kink closet and telling you, ask, because this play is for adults mature enough to do so...and in practical application it does not look like 50 Shades. 

The Dream Chasing Continues.

So you haven’t gotten a real update from me since April...that is a crime. When I moved here every day was an adventure, a story that begged me to tell it. I’m not saying that has changed but much like a week to week television show my adventure has become less about the random happenstance of my day to day and more about the over all seasonal story arch.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe New York is making me callous but at any rate here is a brief rundown of April to August. I was the doorman for a bar in NoHo called “Nolita House”. After a little landlord owner dispute Nolita sadly closed it’s doors.

I told the world I would find a new job in 2 weeks. Well, I did but it turns out I didn’t need it because the people who run Nolita late night took over Friday and Saturday nights at a different bar and asked me to re-join the old Nolita team. I love that bar, I love those people and that’s all that can be said about that.

During my travels I was also, for a short time, the doorman for a BDSM dungeon. Sadly that lovely, educational establishment, was forced to close it’s doors due to bureaucratic small mindedness. I have plenty of stories from both places but I haven’t decided if sharing them would be in bad taste or not yet so for now I will keep that under my hat.

When the lease ran out on my apartment I moved back in to my very first, legitimate apartment. I am back under the same roof as my dear friend Amanda, with a better room then before, a hundred dollars less a month in rent then I was paying in the other place, and the cherry on that Sunday is that I didn’t even have to say goodbye to my old roommate because he has joined me in this nest of healing and sanity.

The real news here is that I am only months away from shooting the first feature I ever had a hand in writing. Travis Legge and I under took the task of writing a romantic comedy much in the style of Judd Apatow with a dash of High Fidelity thrown in. Financing is our biggest problem at the moment. Not only did I have a hand in writing this but I am a co-star next to Suzi Loraine (who I have come to know as a beautiful human being). If you would like to help us make the movie I have a link to the Kickstarter page Here.

Dry Spell is the culmination of so many things for me. We are filming in the exact locations where only a year ago I was fighting to survive. We location scouted New York last week and it was like a greatest hits of “places Kyle felt alone, helpless and defeated” and now I am making a movie there.

This movie is more then a fun little slap and tickle for me, this movie means something. This movie is my ambivalent love letter to the city of New York and a trophy for my future self to remember what I am capable of. It is also tackling subject matter (marriage, divorce and dating) that has been the subtext of my entire journey.

I started this outward stretch with a divorce, in many ways if life hadn’t come up and showed me to myself and said “hey! You lazy, ungrateful little shit...fix yourself or die” in the form of a broken marriage (largely broken by my clumsy hands) then I wouldn’t have done any of this. Now, at the precipice of my next developmental plateau  I am telling a story about love, divorce and moving on.

The symmetry of my life is uncanny.

That is me so far. Hopefully I don’t neglect this blog anymore because I am realizing a growing need for an outlet like this one and I’m confused as to why I abandoned it in the first place.

I love you all.

KH-

America, Land Of the Armed (A reaction to the Colorado Dark Knight Rises shooting)

“A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” -The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution.

So tell me readers is a well regulated militia really necessary to the security of a free state in 2012?

The figures for the strength of our military are in constant flux but according to globalfirepower.com we have a defense budget of $692,000,000,000, we have 2,384 Navy Ships, 1,477,896 active Military members, 1,458,500 in active reserve, and that doesn’t even scratch the surface of our defense resources. lets not forget that we have the entire Department of Homeland Security working around the clock to figure out new and inventive ways of keeping us safe. We are a paranoid nation and maybe that paranoia is warranted, maybe it isn’t, but I think we can all agree that we haven’t needed a militia since Paul Revere.

Perhaps we can throw this question on the board as well, how many civilian gun users are actually part of a militia? I’m not talking about a few guys who like to shoot cans in their back yard I’m talking about a well regulated, registered, militia?

Consider this, the gunman in the recent Colorado Dark Knight Rises screening went out got himself an Assault Riffle, a Shotgun and a Nine Mil. pistol, put them in a bag walked into a theater and started shooting and until he pulled the trigger he hadn’t actually done anything illegal (Colorado is a carry and conceal state).

Will there always be a black market and a criminal element that will be able to get their hands on firearms? Yes of course, but is this enough reason to make obtaining firearms easier? Can someone explain this logic to me?

“The right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed” is a great soundbite but when paired with the rest of that statement it makes the idea of modern day civilian fire arm ownership look asinine.

“Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Right but I’m pretty sure I have a better chance dealing with a guy holding a led pipe or a knife then I do with someone pointing a semi-automatic weapon at me. Abolition of firearms in this country will never happen but the focus should be centered much more heavily on reduction.

I currently work in a profession where in order to achieve financial advancement I will have to eventually go out and buy a gun but if our law makers ever get their heads out of their asses I’d gladly give up that need.

We are so scared of losing our rights and put so much stock in our assumed “freedom” that we forget that the constitution is a living document designed to change with our needs and with our cultural evolution. The amendment process exists so that we can keep our constitution relevant. I’m not talking about giving away our privacy to protect us from enemies abroad (because it is a bit to late for that) I’m talking about making it harder for civilians to get their hands on tools of death and destruction.

Living in a gang neighborhood I’m not entirely certain I am comfortable with the idea of a total ban on civilian gun ownership when thinking about my own safety, but I do know that the people who shot up Prospect Park last week or Nostrand Ave a month ago would have probably gone to jail before they pulled the trigger had gun ownership been a bigger deal in this country. (If you are surprised you didn’t hear about these shootings don’t be. I live in a poor black neighborhood...CNN cameras don’t reach this far).

Put plainly, if Obama wants to come for my guns I’ll gift wrap them for him. Because guns are fun on a shooting range but if I want a cheap thrill I’ll hop on a roller coaster.


I love you all

KH-

Give Me Time

I realize it has been a while since I posted in this, as usual. I apologize once again but life is busy in the big apple, it always has been and I think it will always be. I am working on getting in shape, getting my ass kicked three days a week by my roommate and surrogate sister Amanda and watching my body totally transform. I am working on getting a movie and a short made in the fall, I am working on new job opportunities and trying to keep up some semblance of a social life. I am also rediscovering a spiritual identity.

While all of this sounds like it is incredibly hectic I have managed to find a peace in the chaos. Zen is probably the world I am looking for. Since I started the transformation of self about 5 years ago...I say started I mean was shoved into I have discovered one mantra that keeps my motors running.

In the spirit of that, in appreciation for how far I've come I wrote this bit of free form that I thought I might share with you. I hope you enjoy.

"Give Me Time."

The cloud of discontent, it’s voice is steady
When the tide rises its voice booms across
the horizon of my mind.

“You are not good enough,
You are not fit enough
You are not talented enough
You are weak.”

It forces me to find the eye of the storm
the place of hush inside
The quiet place my soul finds form
The world settles as I narrow my eyes

I find my center, my place in this world
This dark cloud can feel my will
It’s voice trembles
As I move into the still

My mantra builds inside
Like waves crashing to shore
The dark cloud knows I found it out
It knows what I know,
that I am the Master of my mind

Still it clings to desperate whispers

“You wont make it to the horizon
Give up now
It is too far down
The shore runs from you
You are the lost son”

It’s conviction is laughable now
It knows what is coming
In a moment the world stops
My lips set to release me from the storm

It knows this domain is Mine
When I claim the domain of my mind
And say with steady breath

“Give me time.”

New York Day ? "Just Dance"

I’m not entirely certain of where I’m going. I’m not entirely certain of where I am now. I know that I am in some strange nowhere land, a place not as terrible as the limbo between decision and opportunity. More like the wading pool between action and success.

The difference is in one you feel the urgency of life and the necessity for accomplishment. In the other you feel a cool breeze, a false sense of rest, the place that allows you to breath and heal the wounds this journey has inflicted on you. While this may sound fulfilling the entire time you are enjoying your moment of nirvana you can see the looming horizon reminding you that if you stay in this pool for too long you will drown and find yourself a shining example of mediocrity.

Fear isn’t what keeps you in that place. The truth is I have no idea what lies in wait for me on the next leg of this journey, it could be amazing. What causes pause for one in my position is the memory of the path just taken and suddenly every extremity feels like it’s been replaced with led.

The thing that is pulling me towards the shore and undoubtably saving my life is fear. I have bone chilling fear of building a life in that wading pool. The idea of pulling my self through my fairly tumultuous early twenties only to settle in the bog of “coulda been” makes every inch of me wince in disgust.

My problem is not a lack of effort, I’ve been working and making work. What is causing more than a little mental disruption is how passionless I seem to have become. I used to get out of bed and fight this city tooth and nail till one of us said give. Now I roll out of bed and play my part, make my moves because I started them I need to finish them, damn it. I keep on keeping on now because I know that the things I am doing are the things that I love, I’m just not doing what I love enough and in ways that remind me why I love them.

I’ve replaced art with commerce. I have been pushing so hard to produce something that I know will sell instead of looking for the story I am desperate to tell. I’ve been dismissing ideas, seeds of inspiration, because they didn’t sound marketable instead of developing them, allowing them to grow and mature into a solid, relevant and beautiful story. I have been dismissing my muse out of what feels a lot like ambition but looks a lot like fear.

“Dance like nobody is watching” the same goes for writing, acting, or any other creative endeavor worth a damn. All of this tells me where I am is that place where the universe tells you to shut the fuck up, and put on your dancin’ shoes.

I love you all

KH-

Its Always Sunny...

Friends, family, practical strangers, I believe I owe you an update. Work is fantastic and at some point I will have to write a book about my adventures in night life security. I won’t spoil the book by giving you a lot of bouncing stories now (that’s me covering my ass legally while also appearing to have artistic integrity), but if any friends or family ever get worried about me and my work I want you to consider your reaction to a 6’5” 350lb man walking aggressively towards you and saying “walk away right now!” and remember I am that man and your reaction is pretty much everyone else’s reaction as well.

In other work related news you may have heard the official announcement that me and Travis Legge have finished writing and plan on producing a feature length romantic comedy called “Dry Spell” starring Suzi Loraine. I’m so proud of the work we have done so far and I can not begin to describe how excited I am to start shooting.

What you have not heard, and you can consider this my official announcement, I have written a short that I plan on producing at roughly the same time as the feature. The short is called “One Night Stand” and I plan on releasing more details over the next month about both projects.

Business aside I have been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. My roommate would probably call it “bitchy” and that wouldn’t be off base. I’ve decided that every now and again I need to embrace my nomadic tendencies otherwise I get lazy, complacent and a general pain in the ass to be around. In an effort to remedy this I am heading to Philly tomorrow for a few days to stay with a dear friend and some of her friends which are total strangers to me (which makes it more fun for me honestly). Happy hippies, music, food, and stepping foot in a city and state I have never been to before...it’s shaping up to be a great week.

20 Dollar bus ticket, 2 hour drive time, a bag full of clothes, my harps, a book, and my music, pair that with my overwhelming wanderlust and I would call that a recipe for adventure and the formula for grabbing a piece of life’s marrow.

I love you all

KD-