New York Day 169 "I'm A Leaf On The Wind"

I took a trip to Illinois last week for the premier of Raymond Did It. Over 300 hundred people in a packed theatre accompanied by my father, My Aunt Robin my Uncle Jamie, my Uncle John and of course my woman. 300 plus people being genuinely entertained by the year of work me and my friends put in, 300 plus people some watching through the lens of friendship some watching through objectivity all enjoying themselves. Every time I hear a holler or a laugh or a gasp my heart races my face flushes and I feel so blessed that my passion can play some small role in other people’s enjoyment.

I learned something that night, that I am not in this for the popularity. All the attention I received that night was nice but it made me a little uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to respond when someone patted me on the back and said good job, I didn’t know how to respond when someone gushed about what I did and that may be because I know just how hard other people worked to get this done, harder than me for certain.

I also think it’s because large amounts of personal attention have never really sat well with me, I just have a hard time knowing what to do in that situation. Acting isn’t an exercise in ego for me it’s becoming the embodiment of a character and the facilitator of a message...that is what gets my heart pounding and my adrenal glands whistling, that is why I do this.

People have been asking me why I have been so quiet lately. New York is ever changing and forever standing still, it will always be a fast paced, exciting rat race, a fight for survival and an opportunity for experience. Some weeks that may mean I have so much to say that I just can’t contain it and some weeks that may mean I have to retreat into myself, that I have to regroup and allow my self to become reclusive.

I am still a walking petri dish of emotions and subconscious baggage and lately that has been manifesting in the form of lethargy and discontent and that doesn’t lend it’s self to good writing.

As for my living situation I am back on the wire, I had some cash flow issues, it’s a long story that I don’t want to get into but the gist of it is I’ve been juggling a few things around to maintain the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed too...which is still poverty but the kind of poverty that allows for a bed and heating.

I have thrown down the gauntlet on my acting and writing careers. I decided that I am going to go down some roads less traveled because the traffic I’m getting on the beaten path is hindering productivity. I joined a meet up group that does live performances now and again that offer “moderate pay”, I’ve applied for a few journalism internships and have started writing a few projects I plan on getting produced myself.

Forget these casting websites they are doing nothing for me, forget begging for management with a small resume, forget networking with other actors who’s honest plan seems to be getting discovered at Mcdonalds it’s time I started writing my own book...metaphorically and literally.

I took everyone’s advice as a launching pad but thus far that has brought me to the city and given me a very rough idea of how things work...I have to do the rest from there.

I love you all

KH-

New York Day 154 “Hibernation”

A lot has happened in the last month, sorry I haven’t been keeping you updated but I’ve been fairly anti social. Like I said, winter does this to me. The biggest piece of news is that we had a critics screening for the premiere a while back. It was a pretty fantastic night. We had some drinks, enjoyed some company and I got to enjoy the fruits of my labor for a night. With the exception of a 15 minute hickup with the DVD player (which felt like an hour) where I mainlined whiskey the entire time everything went smoothly. Next week is the world premiere.

I’m coming back to Rockford for the premiere but I probably wont see anyone unless you are actually at the premiere because I’m not coming back for long and I’ll be spending time with the lady.

Work has slowed to an almost complete halt. Winter is terrible for ticket sales it really is. I’m scraping by though. I feel that perhaps the novelty of me being here has worn off and that’s why I haven’t really updated because at this point all I’m doing seems day to day normal to me where as a few months ago every single day was a New York adventure. I still absolutely love it here but now I love it as a natural habitat as opposed to a country boy falling in love with the novelty of a big city.

I have a room now officially. I was sleeping on a couch but now I have my privacy back which has been a breath of fresh air.

I’m scared to go home to tell you the truth. I’ve been having a lot of dreams with mom in them and usually when I wake up I just convince myself that the feeling of her still being here is true. I choose to delude myself into believing she is still alive and when I go home the reality will be too visible to ignore.

Tomorrow marks 4 months since she passed...I knew I wouldn’t be okay this early but I think I thought I wouldn’t be this messed up. I’m having trouble figuring out who I am now after this, I’m having trouble adjusting and I’m having trouble not letting my inner turmoil not affect my life and my interactions with the people I love.

I guess thats all I got for now...see you all on the 11th!

I love you all
KH-