I’m not entirely certain of where I’m going. I’m not entirely certain of where I am now. I know that I am in some strange nowhere land, a place not as terrible as the limbo between decision and opportunity. More like the wading pool between action and success.
The difference is in one you feel the urgency of life and the necessity for accomplishment. In the other you feel a cool breeze, a false sense of rest, the place that allows you to breath and heal the wounds this journey has inflicted on you. While this may sound fulfilling the entire time you are enjoying your moment of nirvana you can see the looming horizon reminding you that if you stay in this pool for too long you will drown and find yourself a shining example of mediocrity.
Fear isn’t what keeps you in that place. The truth is I have no idea what lies in wait for me on the next leg of this journey, it could be amazing. What causes pause for one in my position is the memory of the path just taken and suddenly every extremity feels like it’s been replaced with led.
The thing that is pulling me towards the shore and undoubtably saving my life is fear. I have bone chilling fear of building a life in that wading pool. The idea of pulling my self through my fairly tumultuous early twenties only to settle in the bog of “coulda been” makes every inch of me wince in disgust.
My problem is not a lack of effort, I’ve been working and making work. What is causing more than a little mental disruption is how passionless I seem to have become. I used to get out of bed and fight this city tooth and nail till one of us said give. Now I roll out of bed and play my part, make my moves because I started them I need to finish them, damn it. I keep on keeping on now because I know that the things I am doing are the things that I love, I’m just not doing what I love enough and in ways that remind me why I love them.
I’ve replaced art with commerce. I have been pushing so hard to produce something that I know will sell instead of looking for the story I am desperate to tell. I’ve been dismissing ideas, seeds of inspiration, because they didn’t sound marketable instead of developing them, allowing them to grow and mature into a solid, relevant and beautiful story. I have been dismissing my muse out of what feels a lot like ambition but looks a lot like fear.
“Dance like nobody is watching” the same goes for writing, acting, or any other creative endeavor worth a damn. All of this tells me where I am is that place where the universe tells you to shut the fuck up, and put on your dancin’ shoes.
I love you all
KH-
